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Jesus standing right there if he could.

Richard, you are so bad.

Hey, what's with this new

Sony colour system?

I'm not with Sony anymore.

- I switched to Akai.

- Really?

Bob is just coming through the gate!

- It's about time.

- I better go.

- Listen. You don't need him.

- No, I better run.

I put that stuff you wanted in your

trailer. If you have any questions, call.

Hey, man.

- Good morning, Bob.

- Morning.

Clary.

Herr Hogan.

Had a late night, did we, Bob?

Armand, you do your job

and I'll do mine.

Stand aside!

Magician at work.

Take four.

And, action!

I'm serious about this, Hogan.

Well, colonel, it's not really

my responsibility, now, is it?

Hogan, I'm counting on you.

Well, I'll see what LeBeau can do.

What did you say?

Hogan, what's bothering you?

It would appear Colonel Hogan

is daydreaming again.

- What is this?

- You will tell us everything, Hogan...

...or we have ways of making you talk.

What's...? What's going on?

You will tell us now.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Patti wants to get married,

but I can't do that to Anne.

- I'd never forgive myself.

- Himmler was in a similar situation.

- What did he do?

- He sent the wife...

...and the mistress to Dachau.

- Tell me more.

All I think about all day long is sex.

Having sex.

Filming sex. Watching sex.

Hogan, that's all any of us

really think about.

Nobody else has their

own video specialist.

Video specialist?

Yeah, only mine's a fruit,

or a half-fruit, whatever it's called.

- You must send him to the Russian front!

- No! No, I can't replace him.

Sex thing, Patti thing, the fruit thing...

I don't recognize my own life anymore.

I'm ready for you, Hogan.

- What?

- It'll be a modern marriage.

Klink and Schultzie can join in too.

Come on, Hogan. F*** me right here.

The lighting's perfect!

Go for it, Big Daddy.

I've got you covered.

Bob? What do you say?

Go ahead. F*** her, Bob.

Go balls-deep, Pop.

No, I can't.

Klink, tell me what to do.

- What's the answer?

- The answer?

We don't have answers. We're Nazis.

Dismissed!

Dismissed, Hogan.

Dismissed, Hogan!

Hogan?

Bob!

Are you with us?

You look like you drifted off there.

Yeah. Sorry. Where were we?

Anne?

Oh.

Hey.

What a day!

I was cleaning up today...

...and I went into your darkroom.

Yeah, why'd you do that?

I saw them.

Photography studies.

There was picture after picture.

You know I sometimes play

the drums at the clubs.

How many women are there?

We need counselling...

- How many?

- Anne, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm...

Anne. Anne, Anne, I'm sorry.

Do you think the children

would be proud of you?

I'm sorry.

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. And Mrs. Robert Crane.

Hogan's Heroes left the airwaves

on July 4th, 1971...

...after six seasons and 186 shows.

I was determined to do right by Anne.

In the settlement,

she got the house, the car...

...and custody of the children.

Patti's pregnant.

I need work.

Sid! How are you, my friend?

What kind of roles you want

me to be looking for?

Anything.

I got a Westwood mortgage,

alimony, child support.

- I got a baby on the way.

- She got pregnant?

- I thought you said you had the...

- Vasectomy.

It leaks.

It leaks?

I need work.

I don't understand.

You were on Hogan's for six years...

...the thing was a hit.

You didn't save any money?

- This is not a good time for film roles.

- Bobby Darin!

- Yeah?

- Bobby Darin gets film roles.

Well, he's married to Sandra Dee.

- You'd have to audition.

- Whatever it takes.

I just want to leave Hogan

and the leather jacket...

...behind me for once

and for all, you know?

According to The Washington Post, while

still in office as attorney general...

...John Mitchell had personally

controlled a secret Republican fund.

Mitchell vehemently denied

any such involvement...

...and called the story ludicrous.

Vice President Agnew...

Bob, you are not a failure.

This mortgage is eating me alive.

I'm drowning in debt.

You know, I've never gone this long,

ever, I mean, without work before.

I'll get that.

Hello.

Yeah. Yeah, no,

I just got held up. Great.

It's John, isn't it?

You said we were gonna

spend tonight together.

I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just gotta get out. Okay?

This thinking and dwelling on my

problems, it's driving me crazy.

- It's lonely in this house without you.

- I know. Listen.

Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night, you and I, us.

Promise?

- Promise?

- Promise!

Bad boy! Get out!

You know what time it is?

It's f*** time.

Let's hear it for the

inimitable Miss Kitty!

Now totally nude, yeah.

And once again, our old friend

Colonel Hogan.

Robert Crane. Thanks again, Bob.

We're gonna take a little pause

for the cause. Back in 10.

Well, I was in radio for 15 years.

Six years in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Nine here in Los Angeles.

Six years on Hogan's.

Wow. That's 20 years of solid work.

Rotten to be out of work.

You've been bad.

Yes, I have.

I know what to do with boys like you.

Stripping is a part-time thing for me.

Mostly, I'm a dominatrix.

Here, I'm Melissa.

But my real self is Mistress Victoria.

- You, you...

- You will respect Mistress Victoria.

You joking?

You tell me.

It's hard to explain, Carp.

You ever been on a roller coaster?

You know that feeling you get

when you take that first...

- You know, that plunge?

- Yeah, sure.

Well, imagine getting off while

you're zooming straight down...

...and your heart is going,

you know, thump.

Thump, thump. It's...

That's what it's like.

There's no way to compare it.

Wow.

It's dead air.

- What?

- Dead air.

It's the one thing

every disc jockey knows:

Don't get stuck with dead air.

That's what I've got.

I've worked and I've worked

and I got dead air.

I hate it.

Dinner theatre.

- You're kidding.

- Why?

- You've done summer theatre.

- That was summer theatre!

That was to keep busy, not something

to do during prime time.

Dick Van Dyke does dinner theatre.

And Jim Nabors...

Maybe I need a new agent.

Maybe you're the problem.

All right. Here's the phone.

Who do you want to call?

I've got all the numbers.

Len, that's not what I meant.

I'm not the one coming here saying

he's going crazy without work.

I'm trying to help you.

Just keep trying.

Something's gotta turn up.

- What the hell is that?

- Sounds like fire engines.

- Well, I know that.

- Oh, look, they're right on our street!

My God! The building's on fire!

And look at all the police cars

and photographers!

Photographers?

It's okay.

Photographers? Oh, look,

and there's the mayor too.

- Is my wife down there?

- What does she look like?

I can't remember.

The play was called Beginner's Luck,

a sophisticated sex comedy.

We played dinner theatres

around the country.

Patti and I performed together,

but it became clear...

...that for Scotty's sake,

she should stay in Los Angeles.

- Scotty!

- Hey, hey, hey.

Wait. Hey, hey, hey!

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