Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan Page #2

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and they needed things.

Just so happens

what they needed wasn't legal.

- What you do differently

if you could go back in time?

- Probably invest in Google.

(Laughter)

- Trish, you're up.

- (Scoffs)

There was this bar fight.

Cops showed up.

One of them asked me

what happened,

And the officer behind him

wouldn't stop staring at my ass.

- (Laughs)

- So I popped him.

- Excuse me, ma'am,

but you do have a nice ass.

- (Laughs)

- C.B., it's your turn.

- I was coming back

from a party.

I was a little buzzed.

The car in front of me

ran this red light.

I couldn't stop in time,

and I hit him.

The driver got thrown

from the car.

- You weren't hurt at all?

- Just a little cut on my knee.

The other driver

wasn't hurt either,

But he reeked of booze.

- He was drunk too?

- It was his third offense

for drunk driving.

- Oh.

- He hit three cars in town

Before he ran that light.

- You stopped that guy

from killing someone.

You deserve...

You deserve a medal

rather than being here.

- That's right.

The system is messed up.

It's not fair.

- Well, two d. U.I.S

don't make a right.

She did break the law.

- Screw that.

I would've hired a lawyer.

Sued him for a million.

- A million?

I would've got 12 million.

- My lawyer said it was better

to just plead guilty

Than to fight it.

- And you thought

that was unfair.

- He ran the light.

I was just a little buzzed.

Nobody could've stopped in time.

I shouldn't be here.

- No one thinks

they should be here.

- Hey, Im glad you're all here.

We all have things

we keep inside,

Stuff we don't want to share.

By the time we're finished,

I'm hoping we've all grown

into something

Bigger than ourselves.

- Trees grow tall,

and then the trees fall!

- What the...

- But the river...

The river only goes one way.

- Sir,

this is a private meeting.

I'd appreciate it

if you'd moved on.

- Is he part of the program?

- Somebody grab the camera.

I think we just found bigfoot.

- God damn it, s. T.U.M.P.S.

What in the name

of sweet Lorraine

Is going on out here?

Oh, hello, Meeks.

I thought I smelled you.

- (Laughs)

Fire's a fire.

I'm just keeping warm.

That's all.

- You got my invitation

to the party then.

Oh, you know, that's funny,

'Cause I didn't send you one.

Now, I want you to clear out

of here

And stop interrupting

my angry sleep.

I've got this campground

for the next six days,

And that means six days,

I don't see you,

I don't hear you, and I sure as

hell don't want to smell you.

Savvy?

- Yeah.

Well, now,

We all got things

we want to hide,

And we all

just want to be wanted.

(Chuckles)

Oh, and while

you're sleeping tonight,

All nice and cozy,

Look out for them little...

Them little critters,

Because they like to find

a nice little warm spot

To crawl up into, you know...

(Gibbers wildly)

(Laughing)

- Jesus.

- Yahoo!

(Laughs)

- Holy sh*t.

- You just met

some of the local wildlife.

His name is Meeks...

Lives up here on the mountain.

Pretty sure he's harmless.

- Pretty sure?

- All right, everybody.

Let's get back to the session.

- No, no, no, session's over.

You s. T.U.M.P.S needs to get

some shut-Eye.

0500 comes awfully early

in the morning.

- 5:
00?

Is he crazy?

- Move out, s. T.U.M.P.S.

Let's go.

Hit the hay.

- 5:
00.

I don't even think my clock

has a five on it.

- We'll continue this later.

- Good night, sister.

- Where have you been?

- Shh.

Shut up and f*** me.

- (Chuckles)

There you go.

Yeah.

- (Giggles)

(Gasps)

- (Clears throat)

You've broken the first rule

of the camp.

If you do it again,

I have to write you up,

And that means you're gone.

- Here.

- So, Trish, out.

Now.

- Thanks.

(Sighs)

- What happened?

- You were snoring.

- Oh, sorry.

- Morning, ladies.

Stop dreaming.

Time to wake up

to the nightmare.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Drop your c*cks

and grab your socks.

We're going on a hike!

- Another beautiful day

in paradise, chicken little.

- I hope you enjoyed your

accommodations last evening.

Compared to today,

It's gonna feel like

a five-Star resort.

Today we are going on a hike.

Going off-Road.

We're going to blaze

our own trail.

(Knock on door)

- Wow, this is nice in here.

Fire, mini fridge...

reading material.

A guide to eastern philosophies

and religion?

I'm shocked; you read.

- It's just the next book

I throw on the fire.

- Can you do me a favor

and leave that behind?

You're intimidating enough

without it.

- (Growls)

You happy?

- Yeah.

- Well, good for you.

- Yeah.

- Well, I hope you can keep up.

March.

Move it out.

Move!

Left! Left!

Left, right, left!

Left! Left!

Left, right, left!

Tell me, happy hour,

when you had to walk the line,

Was it left, right, left?

Your field sobriety test,

do you remember?

Or were you too blacked out?

And you.

You like to fight, huh?

When Im done with you,

you'll be able to take on

A whole battalion!

I'm sure

that'll make your daddy proud!

Left, right, left!

Left, right, left!

Do you have two left feet, son?

Left, right, left,

wasted space!

Make a hell of

a ballroom dancer.

Chicken little, Im sorry.

There's no internet out here.

You cannot Google

left, right, left.

Very good, thornbush.

I like your intensity.

Your attitude may actually work

for you out here.

You're gonna repeat after me.

I look ahead,

who do I see?

All:
I look ahead,

who do I see?

- Louder!

I look ahead,

who do I see?

All:
I look ahead,

who do I see?

- it's sergeant Hoke,

that s. O.B.

All:
it's sergeant Hoke,

that s. O.B.

- Now you're getting it!

I look ahead,

who do I see?

All:
I look ahead,

who do I see?

- sergeant Hoke,

that s. O.B.

All:
sergeant Hoke,

that s. O.B.

- a life of crime

is not for me

All:
a life of crime

is not for me

- Ill contribute to society

All:
Ill contribute

to society

(Adventurous music)

- Move! Move!

Up that hill.

Go! Move!

Go, go, go, go.

Keep up, people, or I will

leave you on this mountain.

Move, move, move!

Up that hill.

Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig.

Navigate through those trunks.

These stumps represent you.

This is what you are.

You are stumps.

You want to grow

into those mighty trees.

That's what you want to be.

- (Gibbers)

(Chuckles)

(Laughing)

(Gibbering)

(Laughs and gibbers)

Your move.

(Laughs)

- All right, s. T.U.M.P.S!

Get across that river.

This is where we'll picnic

for lunch.

Move, move, move!

Please join me for a meal

Prepared by the great state

of Minnesota,

The correctional department,

and my own two loving hands.

(Inhales and exhales sharply)

Not doing too bad.

- For a cube rat.

- Right.

- You wouldn't really

leave me behind, would you?

- Oh, absolutely.

- I'll kill for a burger

and fries right now.

- How about just a shake?

- Yo, this dude's crazy.

I can't do this all week.

I'm out of here.

- I don't know, man.

- You want to be worked

to death?

- I don't want to work at all.

- Who's with me?

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