Baby Mama Page #5

me a little bit crazy

that you get to feel it

and experience it,

while I just watch.

And I might be

a little bit jealous.

Jealous? How could you be jealous of me?

I'm sorry

I called you stupid.

I'm sorry I farted

into your purse.

What?

I found this shell while running

barefoot through the Toronto airport.

I want you to make our

flagship store like this shell.

You want it

to look like the shell?

You know, Rick, when you talk

to me in that tone of voice,

I get incredibly angry.

I couldn't have

been more specific...

You want it to have

the essence of the shell.

Yes, that's it, exactly. Thank you,

Kate. I'm sorry I flipped, Rick.

Give me the essence

of this shell.

As your pregnancy progresses,

your partner can help you

prep your perineum

for the great stretch

of delivery.

Massage the area

daily with a little EVOO

to help you stretch

and prevent tearing.

What is she talking about?

I think she wants me to

rub olive oil on your taint.

Is it cool if maybe I just spray

a little PAM down in that area,

right before

the baby comes out?

You have to admit

it's a valid suggestion.

So, are you pissed that

no one ever married you?

Well, I almost got married

once to a guy named Scott.

We were together

for six and a half years.

Damn, just shy

of common-law.

Yeah, actually. He was the

only guy I ever lived with.

So now he has three kids,

beautiful kids, with another woman,

an old co-worker

of mine, actually.

That sucks.

You know what?

Don't worry about it,

'cause you're super-successful,

and you have sweet-ass legs.

Thank you, I think.

I had one good boyfriend

before Carl.

Really?

Donny Landis.

We used to work at Blimpie

together when we were 16,

and sit and eat pickles

in the back.

He waited a whole month

before he touched my b*obs.

Then he went

to the University of Scranton,

and I never heard

from him again.

He was my Justin Timberlake.

Angie, you can still have

a totally different life.

You're a very

smart person.

Thanks.

I figured out how to beat

you at this game, by the way.

Yeah, that's what it's about.

There's a lot of

techniques that you can use.

I come home

in the morning light

My mother says When you

gonna live your life right?

You gotta hold the note till the end.

We're not

the fortunate ones

And girls just

want to have fun

Oh, girls just

want to have fun

Come on, get up here.

Just wanna, they just wanna

They just wanna, they just wanna

- Girls!

- Girls!

Girls just wanna have fun

I think that was harmony.

That was harmony!

Look at her.

She's got good jugs.

My avatar is dressed

like a whore.

So, what do you

wanna talk about, Carl?

I want you to come

home. Baby, I miss you.

I haven't had sex

in two weeks.

I've been gone a month.

Whatever.

Carl, after spending

time with Kate,

I kind of feel like I can evaluate

the direction my life is going,

and I feel like that direction

does not include you. Carl!

You and your best friend,

Kate? I got bad news.

She's using you

to have a baby.

You think you guys would

be friends in real life?

She's a business lady.

It's just business.

You don't even

know her, Carl.

All right, you got no right

to cut me out of this deal.

Who's the one

who said you should go

into the baby-making business

in the first place? Me.

When the pee-stick said no, who's the one

who figured out how to keep things going?

Me.

- You should...

- Here you go.

You shouldn't have forged

that pregnancy test, Carl.

Maybe you should've actually gotten

pregnant like you were supposed to.

You did a dumb thing, moving

in with that lady. Real dumb.

We were supposed to

forge the test,

send her the ultrasound

picture in the mail,

and then cash the

checks. One, two, three.

The ultrasound looked like

a squirrel, by the way.

'Cause it was a squirrel. That's

all I could find on the Internet.

Look, Katie's gonna notice.

You're not getting bigger.

When you go

to the doctor's office,

and you take the test,

she's gonna know.

Sweetie, you're not smart

enough to pull this off.

Excuse me. These are mine, right?

How far along are you?

I'm pretty pregnant.

She's 14 weeks.

Me, too! You're so lucky.

You're not showing at all.

Nice talking to you.

Angie?

I'm going to work.

Feel better, okay?

I'm done. No.

I'm not done!

Morning sickness.

Sounds like she's dying.

Just so pregnant.

Right there.

What?

- On your hand.

- Where?

- Right... Yup... See. Right.

- Where?

Girl, that's vomit!

Do something about

them vomit chunks, girl!

Okay. God!

I love it, Kate.

I wanna reward you with five

minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Yay.

You can stay, Rick,

if you... Okay.

In the last 24 hours, I got clearances

on the titles and the permits,

tax-incentive grants from

the city and the states,

and Barry on the plane

to surf camp.

I'm at the top of my game.

That's great!

Let's do something.

Let's celebrate!

I thought we could order food

and watch this DVD that I got.

It's a British documentary

about a woman

who gives birth to a

15-pound baby, vaginally.

Can't wait to not watch this.

You and I need to go out.

- Let's go clubbing.

- Clubbing?

You need to get out of your

comfort zone. Go meet some dudes.

Although, I do have a new ginger body

splash that I've been dying to try.

- Wow!

- Yes.

That's really frisky.

Let's do it.

Congratulations!

You're wearing that?

Well, we are going

to a nightclub.

Ain't no good

gonna come of this.

This place is awesome.

I haven't been to a place

like this since ever.

Okay. She'll have a double

margarita, no ice, and two of those.

And I'll have

a bottle of water.

- Hey, let's dance!

- Okay!

Stop framing

your face.

Okay.

I think it's good!

It's not.

Here, drink this!

Oh, my God!

That is strong.

Is it?

Try this one.

That is stronger!

I know, I know.

Do this shot.

Why am I doing this?

Are you having fun?

I am!

You know what

I've always wanted to do?

This one is for the ladies!

All right!

Good slow jam!

Old-school!

All right! All right! Hey! Hey!

Listen to it!

It's a really beautiful song!

If I was alone, I mean, not pregnant,

I would be macking on all of this.

There's nobody here

I would ever go out with.

Are you serious?

What about that guy?

He looks like a laundry

bag full of meat.

What about that guy over

there? He's wearing a suit.

It's denim.

You're so picky!

Well, at least he's not a

grade-A dork like that guy.

Oh, my God, Scott!

Who?

That's my ex-boyfriend, Scott, that

I told you about. Why is he here?

You went out

with him?

I did.

Why?

He's beautiful.

Where?

Look at his mustache!

I know!

I'm gonna go say hi.

No, don't,

it's a bad...

Kate, I'm gonna

watch your drink.

Hi, Scott.

Kate, my gosh, you look

great! What are you doing here?

I'm just clubbing.

You remember

my wife, Jean?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Jean, how are you?

How's everything?

It's great. We just bought

a house in Bucks County.

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