Baby Mama Page #6

I'm still doing stuff

for Doctors Without Borders.

Recently, we took in

some Hurricane Katrina dogs.

And I was in a bicycle accident

that made my penis bigger.

How are you?

I'm doing awesome.

I've just been working a lot, and

I cannot have babies, it turns out.

So, good job

picking this one.

What it is, actually, is my uterus

is T-shaped, which is like...

So, but actually,

funny story. See that...

Okay, see that little

blonde woman, over here?

- I am paying her to have...

- Hi. Stop talking now.

Bye, Jean.

Why does he

make me so crazy?

Forget about him. He

dumped you. He's an a**hole.

No,

he's a good person.

No,

you're a good person.

You don't need another good person

around you. That's your thing.

He's trying to

take that from you!

He wanted to marry me, and

I wanted to focus on work.

Of course you did!

Because working is awesome

and being married sucks!

That's his car.

- What, this right here?

- Yes.

Silver Infiniti,

Penn State sticker,

baseball mitt

in the backseat...

This is Scott. You

know what we should do?

Yeah!

I was gonna say

leave a funny note!

Where are we?

WeBeSoCa.

What? You're so wasted.

Stop right here! This is

good. Pull over right here.

Angie, I'm gonna go

get a ginger carrot juice,

and you should go home

and get some rest,

because you look

very sleepy and tired.

Where are you going?

We're closed!

Yeah, well, it looks about

the same as when you're open.

Don't tell me, your people are gonna

start bulldozing the neighborhood tonight.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm really, really sorry

that I'm so good at my job.

What is this,

a taste test?

No, actually, I wouldn't

do that if I were you.

No, that...

That's not...

- It's horrible.

- Not very good.

It's a combination

of papaya juice and coffee.

I keep this notepad by my bed

in the middle of the night,

and I write down these

ideas when I'm half asleep,

and they never

make any sense.

I do that, too.

And then I wake up, and I have these

little notes that say things like,

"make everybody be twins"

and "electric toilet. "

Those are not

good ideas.

They're really not.

So why are you out so late? Are

you a prostitute at night, or...

No.

I went out tonight for the

first time in a long time,

and I let a friend

of mine dress me.

Well, your friend is

a great American.

Sorry.

You know,

I really like your logo.

Yeah?

Yeah, I did it myself.

I really like it.

You don't think

it looks like a penis?

- No, I don't see that.

- No?

No, I don't see that.

Over here

you got two obvious...

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- ... stiff ones... No?

No, I don't know

what you're talking about.

You're being nice.

Thank you.

Also, I don't think you wanna

pick a fight with Jamba Juice.

I mean, they're not

exactly Wal-Mart.

Well, they are. They're the

Exxon of frozen juice companies.

Yes, I think I saw a Michael

Moore documentary about that.

That's embarrassing.

So is that offer to get together

some time still on the table?

Are you asking me out?

Yes, I think I am.

Okay, yes,

then, yes. Yeah.

Great.

This came off my head.

Some of that

hair's real, right?

No. I'm bald. I'm...

These are real. So we

got that going for us.

Hi, Carl.

What's up,

hot stuff?

What are you doing here? I

told you to stay away from me.

You think you're getting

this payday without me?

No way.

I want my half, okay?

And I've got insurance,

the actual pee-stick.

I don't even know if that's

real. You probably peed on it.

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

But I'll tell you this.

It's gonna raise

a lot of questions

when Kate takes

this down to the lab,

and they start doing

DNA tests with CSI stuff,

and molecules and proteins

and the hair follicles,

and they're gonna

connect the dots.

And then you're

gonna be busted.

Carl, I don't wanna do

any of this anymore.

I want a common-law divorce.

You wanna give me back the ring

that I made for you in metal shop?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, you know what? I'll tell

you when this relationship's over,

because there's a lot of girls

there sitting on the bench

that wanna come

into this game, all right?

So I am canceling

this relationship, okay?

- Please come back to me, Angie.

- Oh, my God!

Wait, wait! Hold on, hold on, please!

I wanna say goodbye to you proper,

okay? We owe that to one another.

Can we please have a quickie in the car?

- What?

- What's wrong with you?

You know what? I'm not gonna be

here for you when Kate kicks you out.

So deal with that.

My girl rocks?

My girl does not rock, okay?

My girl is a divorce.

So I hope

you got Kleenex,

'cause you just said goodbye to the

coolest thing that ever happened to you.

I'm gonna bang your friends.

Consider them all banged.

The reason I called you collect is 'cause

it's gonna take more than a few quarters

to express how I feel

about you, baby.

Hey, where you going?

I knew something was up when I saw

you beating your baby bump like that.

It wasn't supposed

to happen like this.

Everything just

got way out of hand.

I think

I'm just gonna split.

That's a good idea.

Just slip away

in the dead of night

and leave Kate thinking

you stole the baby.

That would destroy her.

This ain't some little scam where

you just call up Domino's and be like,

"Yo. You know, I'm doing some church

youth event. I need 10 free pizzas. "

Why, does that work?

You're lying about the

existence of a human being.

If you don't tell her, you'll

never be able to live with yourself.

Maybe you can tell her

after I'm gone.

I'll tell you

what I'm gonna do.

Not a damn thing, 'cause

you're gonna tell her yourself.

I've got

a surprise for you.

I got a surprise

for you, too.

It is a brochure for the

Philadelphia School of Textiles.

They've got

a great fashion program.

Thanks.

But that's not the

whole surprise. Open it.

I'm giving you

your check early.

No, Kate. I can't take that. You

gotta put that through the agency.

No, it's not gonna bounce.

Don't you trust me?

Where are we going?

You have

an ultrasound appointment.

What? No.

Today's Thursday.

Ultrasound isn't Thursday.

Birthing class is Thursday.

Usually, but you're 18 weeks, and

so you have another ultrasound.

I can't wait.

I hope the baby's in a good position,

so we can see its little profile,

because I'd really like to get one of

those printouts to hang over my desk.

Do you think it could look like me yet?

Could the baby look

like you at 18 weeks?

What if it has

little tiny glasses?

I'm joking. That's me

trying to make a joke.

- That's cold.

- Sorry about that.

Just...

If... When you get mad, do

you stay mad for a long time?

Yes, yes. I'm a big

grudge-holder, actually.

- Hear that?

- What?

That's your heartbeat.

You nervous?

Yeah, a little.

Okay, I'm just... Just having

a little trouble finding...

You're gonna have

a lot of trouble.

Kate, I gotta tell you

something. I'm not really...

There's the baby's heartbeat.

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