Baby Mama Page #7

- I'm not really... What?

- Isn't it wonderful?

Holy sh*t!

- There's a baby in there?

- Yep!

- How did it get in there?

- It's a miracle.

What did you

wanna tell me?

I'm so excited.

Yay!

What do you mean, pregnant? I

thought you was lying to Kate.

I was. I am. It's not

Kate's baby. It's Carl's.

So the procedure thing...

Didn't take.

And then I was crying,

so Carl and I did it.

And it's just country.

I missed a couple periods,

and I thought maybe it was my hormones,

you know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't know

nothing about that.

But then I started spotting,

and I thought that was my period,

but usually I don't

have a heavy flow.

Stop it.

My b*obs didn't hurt, so I was

like, "It's not my period... "

You know what? Look, I'm just

gonna lay it out, all right?

I'm not discussing

the lady business with you.

I mean, I think it's a

beautiful thing and all that,

but it's disgusting, okay?

And I'm afraid if we

keep talking about it,

that our cycles

might synchronize...

What am I

supposed to do, Oscar?

I can't cash that check. I

can't take any of Kate's money.

But I am gonna stay here

until I figure out what to do.

I don't know anything

about being a mother.

You better start learning.

It's good if the kid's

raised here, though, you know?

Better school, better

apartment, better situation.

Is that what you want?

No, I wanna keep it.

Have you read this?

"One in four million babies are

born with a full set of teeth. "

Angie, it's gonna be fine.

Where you going?

I have a date

with that guy, Rob.

Are you gonna

tell him about me?

No. I've made

that mistake before.

It turns out

they don't like it

when you talk about the successful

transfer of embryos on the first date.

Read the chapter about hermaphrodites.

You won't sleep for a week.

Hello, folks, my name

is Chet. I'm your waiter.

Are you folks familiar with

the raw food vegan movement?

- Yeah.

- I think he is, more than I am.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, should we start

with some appetizers?

Yeah. How's the

sea kelp pizza?

That's got a nice earthy taste,

little bit of a dirt taste.

It's very nice.

Salty. We'll stay

away from that.

You know what looks good

is the blue algae?

- You wanna just...

- Yes, yes.

Excellent.

Be right back.

So what kind of law

did you practice?

Corporate. You know

when you're watching the news,

and you see some bloated

CEO involved in a scandal,

and you kind of

wonder to yourself,

"How is this prick

not going straight to jail?"

Sometimes it was

because of me.

You must be very proud.

All right, here's your blue-green algae

and a yeast bowl

for the table.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

This looks good.

- Oh, it's warm.

- Yeah.

What about you?

You like your work?

I do, but I mean,

I have other things

in my life besides my job.

I like to travel for work.

Oh, that's a...

That's a good yeast.

Very yeasty.

How long have

you been vegan?

I'm not.

I'm sorry. I'm not,

I thought that you were,

and that's why

I took you here.

Because of where you work,

I never would have... Oh, God.

- Can we... Yeah, you want to...

- I eat meat.

Yeah, I eat meat

like nobody's business.

I'll have a large steak with

provolone, no Cheez Whiz, no onions,

peppers on the side,

don't overcook the meat.

Also, I'd like you

to slice me a new fresh roll,

because those ones have been

sitting out for a long time.

I want a Birch Beer,

cold, no cup.

You really should consider changing

those Styrofoam cups to paper ones,

because they're very bad

for the environment.

Yeah, I'll have the same.

I'm sorry. I'm a little overly thorough.

Some people would say that

I am bossy and controlling.

No, that's just prejudice.

They call you bossy and

controlling 'cause you're a woman.

But if you were a man doing the

same stuff, you'd just be a dick.

What?

Nothing.

No one's ever called me

a dick before on a date.

Term of endearment.

So listen, there's something

that I haven't told you.

And it may be

a deal-breaker.

Oh, boy, you are super

fruity, aren't you?

No.

But I do

have a daughter.

She's 12 years old and she lives

with me every other weekend.

I think that's great.

Yeah?

Okay.

You have any kids?

I've never

been married.

Well, Kate,

you don't have to

be married to have a kid.

Do you want to

go back to my...

Yes.

I was going to say

apartment, just to be clear.

Yeah. I'm 37.

I know how this works.

- Okay.

- Let's go.

It's actually

this way.

Okay.

- 1406.

- Yeah.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Look who just got inducted

into the walk of shame.

Why are you all shiny

like a soul food cook?

I want you, now,

to look your partner in the

eye, and I want you to tell her

she is beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Tell her,

"You are strong. "

You are strong.

Tell her, "Thank you

for giving me this baby. "

Thank you for giving me this baby.

- Are you crying?

- No.

I am. I'm crying a little bit.

All right.

Romaine, Cheyenne,

time to go.

We have a playdate

with Wingspan and Banjo.

Those kids would have got their asses

handed to them in my neighborhood.

My sister wants to know what kind

of cake you want for the shower.

Kate, I don't think I

should go to that, you know?

I mean, that's just

kind of for you.

No, it's for both of us.

My mother wants to meet you

and make you feel weird.

Excuse me.

Yes. Barry, hi.

No, I'm pulling into the

construction site right now.

Think I went to

a rave here once.

Please, I asked you

to wait in the car.

It's too hot in there,

and your weirdo air conditioning,

I don't know how to work it.

- Barry, I'm sorry.

- Kate, where you been?

I'm having second thoughts

about this location.

Is it the taxes?

It's probably because this place

gives you a weird vibe, right?

Yes. That one.

I'm not getting

good vibes here.

And if there's one thing

Oprah taught me,

it's to trust my instincts

and follow my fear.

Is that the episode where

she got her ears pierced?

No, this was at her home

in Maui. Who are you?

I'm Angie.

She works for me.

She's very intuitive.

I read people's energies.

- You read energies?

- Yeah.

Good. Very good.

How's the energy

in this site?

Green, mostly.

Like healthy leaves.

Money?

Exactly.

I like your maid.

So do I.

Let me put my hands

into your hands,

and I'll whisper to you

the secret of success.

So, are we back on?

We were never off.

What did he say?

The secret of success.

And?

He said

"Have a big penis. "

- No, he didn't.

- Yeah, he did.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Look! Wait.

- Is that the face?

- I think.

That was a big one!

Oh, my God.

What does it feel like?

Like if you ate

a meatball sandwich,

then that meatball

sandwich was kicking you.

I think I gotta tell Rob

about you and the baby.

What? Why?

Well, we've been

going out for a month,

and I didn't think

it would turn into anything,

but it sort of is.

I don't think

that's a good idea.

You know, he may break up with you.

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