Baby On Board Page #5

Don't leave.

Stand your ground and make Curtis

realize what he's throwing away.

By the time you're done with him,

he'll be begging for forgiveness.

Did you try that with Dad?

No.

But Curtis isn't your father,

and you're not me.

Try to keep this family

from breaking up

before it even has a chance to start.

Tough love!

- Tough love?

- Tough love.

You're gonna want to fold.

You're gonna want to say

something nice and sweet.

Don't.

The second you do,

it's a license for her to gobble other

men's c*cks for the rest of your life.

No matter how long.

Even if it takes a year.

A year?

Don't talk to him for a whole year?

He'll fold long before then, honey.

Trust me.

He's not the manly type.

Not manly?

Hey, you're a quarter queer.

We all knew that back in law school.

But this is your opportunity

for greatness, pal.

This is ridiculous.

I'm getting love advice from a man

who just paid $200

to fake-f*** a stripper.

You want to get Angela back or not?

Then do not talk to him.

He's the father of my child!

I know.

That's the only thing that's keeping

me from killing him, sweetie.

For this agreement

to be valid and enforceable,

it must be based

on a full mutual disclosure

of each party's financial status

to the other party... Uh...

...of the other...

Mr. Jenkins, I am so sorry.

See you, guys, in a little while,

okay? I love you.

- I love you, too.

- Have fun with your daddy, okay?

Hey! Give me some love!

Daddy!

Come here!

Aw!

All right, ladies.

That's it. Breathe.

Very nice.

They're right there.

Right there.

Hi, baby!

There we are.

Counselor Marks?

- It's good to see you.

- Mr. Rohe and, uh...

Oh, she doesn't speak English.

She's Russian.

Mail-order.

You bring them over

for, like, two grand,

and they f***

like their life depends on it,

because it does.

Um, don't you, uh...

Don't you have to marry them?

Oh, no, no.

All you have to do is say

you're gonna marry them.

Uh, Mr. Rohe,

I have a very busy day.

- What can I do for you?

- Curtis...

What do they say about you?

There's none better.

Well, I need you, buddy.

I need the best.

Okay. Uh... I've already

gotten you out of alimony.

The f***ing money pit.

Writing that mortgage check

every month is like a living hell.

I want a motorcycle

and penile implants.

I want out of this.

- What about your wife?

- Ex-wife.

- What about your kids?

- Ex-kids.

I don't think it works that way,

Mr. Rohe.

I see you've been to another lawyer.

A few lawyers.

I admit it, I was trying

to find someone cheaper,

but those guys all turned me down

on moral grounds.

Can you believe that sh*t,

moral grounds?

That's when I knew if you want

the best, you got to pay for it.

You.

So, what do you say?

Oops. I "breaked" the "vater."

Now, remember,

don't start the video conference

until I'm sitting.

Mm-hmm.

You know, Mary is a woman, too.

Kind of.

She might actually understand

that you are with parasite.

Mm-unh.

I'm not losing my job

because Curtis' sperm

didn't know what to do

when they hit rubber.

Listen, you just

have to stop treating Mary

like she's some kind of supervillain.

You were saying?

Hi, Mary!

How's Japan treating you?

Okay, well, you can

just drop the pleasantries.

Am I crazy, or is it just the camera,

or does it look like you put on a few?

It's, um...

It's glandular?

All right.

Let's just take a look.

You didn't get the graphs

that I e-mailed you?

Raphy! Raphy! Uh...

Hmm.

These rolly chairs are so fun.

I love them.

Because my back is really...

Doo-dee-doo-doo!

Angela...

Yes.

I think I know what's going on.

You do?

Yes. I think I do, and it is okay.

It is?

Yes, it is.

Believe it or not,

I used to do a lot of drugs.

There was a night back in '89

where I did so much PCP,

I could have choked an antelope.

But I got over it.

I overcame it, and so can you.

You think I'm on drugs?

Nothing to be ashamed of.

The first step is to stand up

and admit that you have a problem.

Mary, I'm sorry.

I can't do this. I'm not on drugs.

I'm...

I'm pregnant.

Unh-unh, Vice-President.

Why don't you just tell your boss

you're pregnant?

- Because she'll fire me.

- Let her!

Then Curtis can sue them

for discrimination.

He might be an a**hole,

but he is an excellent lawyer.

How do I look?

Do you want the real answer

or the girlfriend answer?

Um... Girlfriend first

and then real.

You look beautiful.

You can't, can't even tell

you're pregnant. You can't tell.

Okay. Now real.

You look like a fat candy cane.

Sh*t.

Oh!

I give up.

Nothing fits.

Jesus!

Your head is enormous.

You know, I can't hide it

from my boss anymore.

She's gonna know.

- Ow!

- Hold on to the bench!

You're pulling my hair.

You're pulling my hair!

Ugh!

What does Curtis say?

He hasn't said a word to me.

And he probably never will.

F***ing hormones, I tell ya.

Is everything all right?

Yeah. She's pregnant,

and her husband is cheating on her.

You know what?

I think you need to step it up.

Oh, Curtis!

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, I do believe

that two filet mignons

and three scoops of mint chocolate

chip is too much for breakfast.

Are you through

with the food jokes?

No.

Okay. Now I'm through.

Do you think that I look fat

in this dress?

I think you look terrific, Angela.

Better than ever.

You actually look

like you're getting ready for a...

A date!

Oh.

I got to go.

I have...

I have people that I can call.

I have... I have friends, too.

Doctor Bob?

Oh, come on!

Okay. Fine.

Are you sure you're all right

with me drinking wine?

Oh, I don't mind.

You'd be surprised.

It's a common fight

husbands and wives have.

Over wine?

Mm-hmm.

Well, the husband keeps drinking it.

The wife can't.

She takes it as a sign

he won't be changing his life.

Sparks ensue.

Well, that's dumb.

Yeah.

And I could never see you getting

involved in a dumb tug of war.

Angela, I'm here for you.

But this has gotten out of hand.

You love each other.

Just stop with the games.

You're right. I just...

I don't know how we got here.

Tomorrow I'm gonna sit down, and

I'm gonna talk to him like an adult.

What?

Oh, hell!

Oh, bastard!

- Who are those people?

- It's my wife and her lover.

He's trying to make me jealous.

- She's fat!

- She's pregnant!

Isn't that what we're doing?

We are now!

You're so funny!

On three, laugh.

One, two, three.

Come here.

Well, it took you long enough.

I'll tell you a secret.

I thought you might

make a move tonight,

so I shaved it into a "C,"

just in case.

For "Curtis."

Okay, why don't we stop talking?

Come on, Angie.

Hey! Hey!

Stop her!

Yeah. Come on.

Hey!

Hey!

Right here. Right here.

Oh, yeah.

Just what's going on here?

If you don't like it, Dr. Bob,

why don't you and Angela leave?

Morris?!

Morris?

My husband!

- That's my b*tch, b*tch!

- Is this guy serious?

As a heart attack!

Oh!

Curtis!

Morris!

Oh, sweetie, honey, baby pie!

Thanks, Morris!

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