Bachelor Mother Page #4

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It's the greatest thing I ever read.

I couldn't put it down.

Everything you need is right in there.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Now, wait a minute.

How do you know you're doing that right?

Doing what right?

Feeding it.

Well, there's nothing

very scientific about this.

You just put the food in the baby's mouth

and it swallows it.

From there on he's on his own.

That's what you think.

We'll just look into that.

Here we are.

Feeding, feeding...

Here we are.

"After the food is prepared,

the mother will, A, get a spoon."

Wonderful. How did he ever think of that?

Oh, please, don't be so smart.

Just do as he says. Get a spoon.

A spoon.

"B,

"take a spoonful of the food

and place upon a piece of gauze."

-Piece of gauze?

-What for?

Please, just do as he says.

Quite possible that a man

with 20 years' experience

might know what he's talking about.

Piece of gauze.

Next.

"Gently rub into the navel."

What?

"Gently rub into the navel."

(COOlNG)

Well, that's ridiculous.

No, it isn't.

It's probably to get the child's stomach

accustomed to the temperature of the food.

I think it's very logical.

I've never heard of such a thing.

And in future, all children

are going to be brought up like this.

Scientifically.

Well?

Here, let me look at this.

I read very well. I've been doing it for years.

I read a little, too.

"Take a spoonful of food

"and place on a piece of gauze,

and gently rub into the..."

You read very well.

Well, I don't care what it says.

I don't believe it.

Oh, please.

Don't tell me you know more about it

than the man with 20 years' experience

and a printed book on the subject.

Well, I'm certainly not going to

rub any oatmeal into this baby's navel.

Who does this...Yes.

Who does this Dr Eagleman or Eaglefoot,

whatever his name is,

think he is, with such...

Oh. What do you know about that?

"To relieve gas on child's stomach,

"take a spoonful of warm oil and

"place on a piece of gauze

and gently rub into the navel."

-I think it's very funny.

-lt certainly is.

I suppose if it had said,

"Hang baby by neck,"

you'd have thought it very scientific.

I'll feed the baby my own way.

Come on, darling.

Hello. Open your mouth, come on.

Just because you get

a couple of pages stuck together,

there's no reason

to condemn the whole book.

Defective duck.

Couldn't be that you wound it too tight?

No, I wound it quite normally.

That was made for a child to wind.

Well, that's pretty silly.

Do you think a child that size

is gonna wind up a thing like this?

It's inferior merchandise, that's all.

Where'd you get it?

John B Merlin & Son.

Well, it doesn't matter, it's still inferior.

Just get it exchanged tomorrow.

Ha ha.

What is the "ha ha" for?

Oh, nothing, just ha ha.

What is wrong

with our exchange department?

They don't exchange anything.

Oh, they only exchanged $50,000 worth

of goods last year, that's all.

-Just get the thing exchanged.

-Never mind, I'll just buy a new one.

Then I'll get it exchanged for you.

Certainly.

You probably could get it exchanged.

For a grand piano or something.

Well, I've got a Chamber of Commerce

thing tonight, so I'll...

go now.

And I'll leave this with you for the...

I'll take this back.

Good night.

Thanks for everything.

-Good night.

-Good night.

Oh, Mr Merlin.

It's been laundered.

(WHlSTLlNG)

Pick that up.

Don't lean on the counter.

All right. Break it up, break it up.

No gossiping.

Here, straighten up this counter.

Put those things away.

How do you expect to get anyplace?

(TOY DUCK QUACKlNG)

Hello, Mr Merlin.

I never would have recognised you.

Why the disguise?

I'm gonna show you that I can get this duck

exchanged without anybody knowing me.

Fine.

Would you mind stepping over

to the exchange department with me?

No at all. Mary, would you look after these?

This gentleman

wants to exchange something.

Ha ha.

I'll show you. I'll have this duck exchanged

in exactly one minute, and courteously.

We'll see.

-I have a duck here I want to...

-You'll have to get in line.

Fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty. One more.

Well, I had to get in line, didn't l?

Have this signed by the section manager

and bring it back here.

Oh, all right.

-I have a duck here I want to exchange.

-Certainly, sir.

What seems to be the trouble with it?

It's broken.

I can see that.

But how did it happen to break?

Well, I had it...

What difference does it make?

I must know where to place

the responsibility.

Well, just place the responsibility

on the duck and give me a new one.

Very well, sir.

May I see the sales slip?

Have you got the sales slip?

-I threw it away.

-You should have kept it.

-I threw it away.

-You should have kept it.

How did I know

the duck was going to break?

How did I know

the duck was going to break?

It's printed clearly on the back of the slip

that it must be kept for 30 days.

I can't keep a sales slip for everything I buy.

I can't keep a sales slip for everything I buy.

-The house would be full of them.

-House'd be full of them.

-(SCOFFlNG) It's silly.

-(SCOFFlNG) It's silly.

I'm sorry, sir,

I don't make the rules for the store.

They're made by the executive office.

Well, I don't care anything

about the executive offices.

(POUNDlNG)

I want a new duck.

Well, you're not going to get it by shouting.

I should say not. Or any other way. Ha ha.

That's what you think.

I'm exchanging this for a new duck and

you can straighten it out any way you like.

Oh, well, can I help you, sir?

(DUCKS QUACKlNG)

Listen, wait a minute.

MARY:
Hey.

Hey, look. Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute.

Hey. You can't take that.

Hey, Mac!

Shoplifter! Shoplifter!

Oh, no, you don't. I saw you steal that duck.

You can't get away with that.

Mr Merlin!

Excuse me, Mr Merlin.

It's all right, folks. It's nothing at all.

I'll help you there, sir.

All right. Now, leave me alone.

Gee, Mr Merlin, I didn't know it was you.

I thought it was a customer.

-A customer?

-Yes, sir.

It's lucky for you it was me.

A customer would sue the store.

How long have you had this job?

-Well, you know.

-I know what?

You know, since yesterday.

And what did you do before that?

I was a stock clerk.

Then I have a little secret to tell you.

You're still a stock clerk.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr Merlin.

It was all a mistake.

You've disgraced the toy department.

MARY:
Hey, you. Come on.

Come on. Break it up.

What are you sitting there for?

How do you ever expect to get anyplace?

Oh, shut up.

They can't do this to me.

I know where the body's buried.

Well, if you do,

why don't you crawl in with it?

You'll see.

Hello, Louise.

What time do you want me to pick you up?

Why, David,

are you under the impression

that we have a date tonight?

Impression?

-Are you kidding, Louise?

-Why, no, David.

The last thing you said to me,

ten days ago, was that you'd call.

Well, I got in rather a mess.

I'm terribly sorry, David, but I'm afraid

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