Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation Page #2

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to buy some groceries, man?

Yeah, if the Mystics would

cover the goddamn spread, l could.

The Mystics?

You're bettin' on the W.N.B.A.?

Mm-hmm. Well, hello.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi. l'm-l'm Judith.

l-l work with Mel.

Oh, hey,Judith.

l'm Jason.

l'm, uh, Ron's best friend--

since childhood.

Yeah. And this is Seth,

his college roommate.

And that's Derek.

Used to be his boss. Yeah.

- Are you all in finance?

- Actually, l'm in consumer products testing.

[ Sniffing ]

[ Sneezes ]

- Derek, do you still work with Ron?

- No. l, uh--

l left that company a while back...

but, uh, l'm still

in finance, you know.

l'm telling you, man, she had a pine tree

air freshener in her underpants. Gotta go.

- What do you do?

- l am in the advertising game.

- Yeah.

- Advertising?

- Mm-hmm.

- That sounds exciting.

lt is. Yeah, it is.

You know,Judith, you're a friend

of Mel's and l'm a friend of Ron's...

so l'm thinkin'

we should get together.

You know, maybe--

maybe grab a pizza, f***.

No? You don't like pizza?

Seriously, who doesn't like pizza?

Hey, uh, everyone?

Everyone, um--

l don't know how to say this, but...

Mel and l simply could not come to

an agreement on our wedding colors...

so we are breaking up.

Very sorry.

Everyone drive safe.

- [ Crowd Laughing ]

- Yes! Welcome back, buddy.

He was kid-- He was kidding.

- [ Stammers, Laughs ]

- Sorry, Mel.

lt's okay.

Anyway, uh, two short months ago...

l wandered into the Cleveland Museum

of Modern Art.

l was, of course, lost,

um, but then...

l laid eyes on the best exhibit

in the whole joint-- Mel.

- [ Crowd Sighs ]

- [ Scoffs ]

Uh, no, l know that two months

is an awfully short time to get engaged...

but, to be honest with you,

l was ready to propose on that first day.

So needless to say...

when Mel proposed, l said yes.

- [ Crowd Laughs ]

- l didn't want to give her time...

to change her mind,

so we have set a date.

On May 31 , one month from today...

you are all invited

to our open bar--

- Which will also feature

a wedding, but, you know--

- [ Laughing ]

All right, let's get drunk.

Hey, uh, Derek?

Why is your kid dropping a deuce

in that plant?

Jesus! Stop it! Bah! Bah!

Mmm.

[ Chuckles ]

Now, Abe, l've taken a look at the numbers

for last quarters.

l think we've got some dead weight.

Here, look.

Take a look at this.

- Hey, hey, fellas.

- [ Abe ] Ron, come in.

- Abe, you're a whiskey man, is that right?

- Absolutely.

All right, l got

something here for you.

What have we got here?

Mmm.

Oh, that's nice.

What is this?

Jameson's 30-year Private Reserve.

l'm half lrish, so l gotta support the motherland.

l brought you a bottle.

You're lrish?

My mother's from Galway.

Geez, it's gonna be great to get some

more lrish blood in the family here.

You know, Todd here is English,

but we try not to think about that.

[ Laughs ]

- You like Cubans?

- Uh, yes.

- Thank you.

- From what I understand, Ron...

you're a, uh--you're a numbers man.

Yes, sir.

l'm a financial consultant.

l started out as a numbers man.

ln fact, Ron, you remind me a lot of myself

when l was a young man.

We can always use more numbers men

in the company.

You know, it's overrun now with

too many goddamn lawyers.

No offense, Todd.

After all, it is a family business.

Well, uh, thank you, sir.

lt's a very generous offer.

No, no, no. Abe.

You call me Abe.

Looks like you need a refill.

Todd!

- Yes, sir?

- Let's go find that bottle of yours, huh?

- Take care of that, would you?

- [ Hisses ]

So, Ron, have you heard the one about the

horny jockey and the Venezuelan stable boy?

[ Ron Laughs ]

No, but it sounds painful.

lt's been a great

couple of months...

and l can honestly say

that you are the best two interns...

we have ever had here.

Unfortunately, we can only

hire one of you.

So... let the best intern win!

[ Crowd Cheering, Hooting ]

[ Bell Rings ]

Get in there, Maxie!

Get in there!

Get angry! Get angry!

[ Cell Phone Ringing ]

- Oh, that's not good.

- [ Grunting ]

- Y'ello.

- Ronny, it's Todd.

Oh, hey, Todd.

What-What's goin' on?

Oh,just a little thing called your bachelor party.

So what's the game plan?

l, uh, don't know.

My buddies are big fans

of''Two-for-Tuesday'' lap dances at Spanky's.

Listen, Ron,

this is your last hurrah.

We gotta do this thing in style.

Thinkin' we fly somewhere warm, hmm?

Where the drinks have umbrellas,

the hotels are five stars...

the vagina flows like water--

Sweet, sticky water.

Wow. That sounds great, but some

of the guys are on tight budgets.

That's what

the company card's for, right?

l mean, like Abe said,

this is a family business.

Look, that is very generous of you,

but l can't let you pay for all that.

Look, l'm really happy

that you're marrying Mel.

l mean, l always wanted a brother...

but unfortunately my mother

died when l was pretty young.

Look, l know we're

not blood or anything...

but, look, l would be honored

if you would let me...

throw my new brother

his bachelor party.

Well-- Of course, Todd.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Awesome.

Now listen, you probably

want to get some sleep, bro-ham...

'cause you're gonna need it.

Wow, Todd, l--

l'm so sorry about your mom.

l never knew.

Billy, are you f***ing retarded?

She's not dead.

She's in Phoenix...

with her second husband

and her third set of tits.

- l'm sorry.

- Yeah. Yeah, you are.

Now, look.

l need recon on this guy.

Ron Simmons.

l wanna know everything about him--

every little detail.

Every man has his weakness, Billy,

and l wanna know his.

The old man's steppin'down soon.

I'm next in line.

l haven't been sleeping with this cow

of a daughter for the last three years...

just so Daddy's little favorite

can come in and take it from me.

Uh-uh.

Mmm. Sadly, Billy...

l just don't think this little union's

gonna make it to the altar.

Mmm.

- [ Horn Honking ]

- Let's go! l'm still sober.

Come on, man. The chicks in South Beach

aren't gonna f*** themselves.

- Hey, Mel.

- Hey, boys.

l love you, baby doll.

See you soon. Mmm.

Hey-- Oh! [ Chuckling ]

What's that for?

Well, you gotta buy

the groom a lap dance.

Pick a hottie.

See? That's why l'm marrying you.

- [ Tires Screeching ]

- Oh, sh*t.

It's my first wife. Let's go, let's go,

let's go, let's go!

- Love you.

- Go, go, go. Come on, go!

[ Tires Screeching ]

Nice try, a**hole.

lt's your weekend with your son.

Remember?

Hey, it's Ron's bachelor party.

That is your problem,

sh*t for brains.

Ron, congratulations.

Oh! Marriage is a beautiful thing...

and l am so very happy for you.

Ass wipe.

Thanks, lrene.

l'm sorry you're not gonna be able

to make it. That sucks.

Get in the van, Ron.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

JJ [ Headphones:
Rock ]

All right, l'm goin', okay?

My life knows no joy.

All l know is work and alimony payments

and babysitting.

So if you think l'm missing out

on a weekend...

of drunken debauchery,

you're sadly mistaken.

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