Bachelor Party Page #10

He hums the Wedding March. Chulo hums along. His humming is

a driving Jimi Hendrix-like guitar lick that all but drowns

out Father's humming.

FATHER FALWELL:

He's orchestrating the proceedings.

FATHER FALWELL:

Flower Girls... Now Rick...

(he gestures for him

to start down the

aisle)

Good... Debbie and Mr. Thomerson.

As he gestures for them to make their walk to him, a gust of

wind lifts up Father's cassock, exposing his bare ass. He

quickly grabs his cassock and covers himself.

RICK:

He begins to walk toward the priest. Suddenly, out of nowhere,

Cole appears at his side.

RICK:

Cole. Don't you know it's bad luck

to see the groom before the wedding?

COLE:

I want Debbie.

RICK:

Cole...

COLE:

You dump her and I'll give you cash.

RICK:

What's Debbie's blue book value right

now?

COLE:

Five thousand dollars.

RICK:

No.

They are now standing near Father Falwell. Debbie is

approaching them with Mr. Thomerson. Mr. T. shoots Cole a

signal to up the ante.

COLE:

Seventy-five hundred.

RICK:

Not interested.

COLE:

Okay, ten thousand plus a G.E. toaster

oven, a Litton microwave, a

Cuisinart...

RICK:

I'm marrying Debbie.

COLE:

Michelin tires... brand new. A set

of Sears Best metric tools...

RICK:

(to O'Neill)

What is this person's story here?

O'NEILL

The way I see it, the big lug is in

love and he's got a lot of major

appliances lying around.

Debbie and Mr. T. have joined Rick.

DEBBIE:

Cole, what are you doing here?

MR. THOMERSON

He's just trying to save you from

making a mistake.

(to Rick)

A big mistake.

RICK:

Thanks, Dad.

(to Cole)

Cole, go away.

COLE:

He's gonna hurt you, Debbie. He'll

never be true to you the way I would.

RICK:

Thank you. We'll all keep that in

mind. 'Bye now.

Cole turns red with anger.

COLE:

(pissed)

Rick, me and you aren't through yet.

He runs off.

RICK:

(a la talk show host)

Ladies and gentlemen, Cole Whittier.

Let's hear it for him -- a funny,

funny guy. We love ya, babe.

The wind suddenly picks up. A storm is coming in off the

sea. Father Falwell's cassock blows up again. It starts to

rain and hail. Everyone runs for cover but Rick and O'Neill.

RICK:

(to O'Neill)

You think the gods are telling me

something?

INT. RICK AND DEBBIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Rick is snuggled cozily on his side of the bed, fast asleep.

Debbie is staring anxiously at the ceiling. After a couple

of beats, she tugs at Rick's shoulder.

RICK:

(drowsy)

Huh? Wha...

DEBBIE:

I can't sleep.

RICK:

Oh... I got something for that.

He groggily reaches into the nightstand, pulls out a hammer.

He raises it as if to hit Debbie over the head.

DEBBIE:

Stop fooling around... I need to

talk.

RICK:

What's the matter?

DEBBIE:

I don't know... I just feel scared.

RICK:

(he sits up)

About what?

DEBBIE:

The wedding, my parents, your family,

our friends, my job, the future, our

relationship, the caterers, my gown,

your tuxedo, our honeymoon, the

apartment, my shower, your bachelor

party...

RICK:

I think the only think you've left

out are our relations with the Soviet

Union. Sweetheart, everything's gonna

be all right.

DEBBIE:

Before or After I have my nervous

breakfown?

RICK:

C'mere.

He starts to gently rub her shoulders. She breathes deeply,

trying to let go.

DEBBIE:

That feels so great.

RICK:

Good...

DEBBIE:

Um... that's very relaxing.

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