Bachelors Page #2

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Unfortunately,

the rest of the fellas

were dropping like flies.

I swear, every month

I got another invite

for another guy's wedding.

It was like getting

their obituary.

And after our friends

were married,

they were never the same.

It was like they were suffering

from post-traumatic

stress disorder.

Sean and I were gonna

live the fun life.

We gonna love them ho's!

Forever.

Ah!

Until one night...

Sean met Irene.

Sean took Irene to dinner,

kept her laughing,

blah, blah, blah.

But the idiot forgot

his wallet and cell phone.

Turns out Irene only had

seven bucks herself.

To make a long story short,

Irene washed and Sean dried.

She must've really liked Sean

because she

went out with him again.

And again and again and again.

Sean had fallen in love.

I'm not a hater,

but I'd be lying if I said

I wasn't a little...

disappointed.

What?

Now come the bad times.

About six months ago...

God, I don't even

wanna say it...

Sean proposed to Irene.

Of course she said yes.

Believe me, I tried to talk

some sense into him,

but Sean being Sean

wasn't trying to hear it.

And now his dumb ass

is getting married.

Tomorrow.

You motherf***er.

Gross, gross.

I've been trying to talk Sean

out of this marriage madness

since he first proposed.

I've tried everything.

You gonna come up for oxygen

anytime soon?

No? Okay.

Tonight is my last chance

to save my best friend

- from eternal damnation.

- Bye, honey!

- We miss you!

- Bye, babe!

Desperate circumstances

call for desperate measures.

I can't f***in' stand her.

She's driving me crazy over

not having enough goddamn chairs

for the reception.

Goddamn f***in' chairs!

It looks like you have a lot

to look forward to

getting married there, buddy!

So is loverboy ready

for tonight, huh? Huh?

Without a f***in' doubt.

Yeah, bullshit.

Oh, you'll see.

Tonight old Sean is back.

I just hope

you're steppin' up your game.

Oh, don't worry about me,

Kemosabe.

You just let me do what I do.

So where are we headin'?

Floyd's.

Floyd's.

Get the f*** outta here.

You get the f*** outta here.

We met Floyd in college.

Floyd has always been

just like he is now:

straight-laced,

God-fearing, organized,

responsible, nervous

and uptight.

But if you really wanna

understand Floyd,

we have to first talk

about his wife Joy.

Floyd met Joy

right out of college.

If you ask me, she basically

strong-armed Floyd to marry her

'cause she knew Floyd

would be a good partner.

She and Floyd made a lot

of dough doing real estate,

even though Floyd

does all the work

and Joy takes all the credit.

Joy really cracks

the whip on Floyd, too.

We've seen her

grab him by the collar

and shake him like

she was his mama.

The company is in her name,

the house, the cars,

the bank account.

She even...

I shouldn't laugh

because it's pretty bad.

She even gives Floyd

an allowance.

Poor Floyd.

Luckily, Joy's out of town

for the weekend.

Took me forever

to convince Floyd

to let me host the bachelor

party at his place.

It had to be somewhere special.

- Floyd!

- Hey, Floyd!

I promised Floyd

it would just be Sean

and his six groomsmen.

I mean, come on.

How out of control

could that possibly get?

Yeah!

Floyd!

I'm shutting it down, Aaron.

We are already off

to a very bad start.

A very, very, very, very,

very bad start.

Okay, Floyd, take a deep breath

and calm the f*** down.

We agreed! No drugs!

What are you talking about?

Your convict cousin is...

He's brought drugs

into my house,

and he's preparing

to do them as we speak!

Oh, sh*t, Jesse's already here?

- I'm sure it's just weed.

- Just weed?

Yeah, in fact, maybe you

should smoke some. It'll...

Stay cool.

I'll take care of it.

No, I can't stay cool!

Aw, perfect.

Who's here?

Harold. It's Harold!

How you doin', Harold?

Harold is another buddy

from college.

Harold's got a wife, two kids,

and a big job at a bank.

Overall, he's a great guy.

But Harold has

a serious problem.

Porno flicks, cybersex,

porn magazines, strip clubs.

You name it, Harold's into it.

Harold is one of those guys

who doesn't mind spending.

And he never wants to go home.

I mean, he never, ever, ever,

ever wants to go home.

But if you went home with

Harold and saw his wife,

you might understand.

I don't like

to call people ugly,

but Harold's wife

is f***ing hideous.

And God forgive me

for saying this:

Even the kids are ugly.

I can honestly say

that tonight's event

means more to Harold

than anybody.

And he's not even

the one getting married.

Maybe you could come

socialize, huh?

Hey, guys.

This is bullshit!

That chick I met

on ChristianMingle?

Lesbian.

Then I spent all my goddamn

money on this goddamn liquor.

F***in' in debt

'cause of that monkey suit.

This is bullshit, man!

This is bullshit!

Stanley is Sean's older

and only brother.

I call Stanley

the ultimate pessimist

because he has to be the most

negative motherf***er

to ever walk the planet.

He sees the negative side

of everything,

especially

when it comes to Sean.

- Freeze!

- Ohh!

Sh*t! Just the motherf***er

I wanna see. What's up, man?

You ready to tie the knot

tomorrow, cousin?

You mean get sentenced?

Hey, man, you're lookin' good.

It's a slick shirt, cousin.

That's the ugliest f***in'

shirt I've ever seen.

- You deal with that.

- Thank you, Stanley.

According to Sean, Stanley's

only been remotely happy

one time in his life.

Supposedly, this is

a true f***in' story.

Stanley had just gotten married.

He thought his wife was

the most wonderful woman

on the entire goddamn planet.

Stanley was actually in love.

But that night,

a demon killed Stanley's wife

and took over her body.

From that point on,

Stanley lived with a demon.

The demon eventually divorced

Stanley and took everything.

He's got three kids

the demon won't let him see,

but he pays child support for.

He's got a bullshit job where

he's overworked and underpaid.

He's in debt,

the IRS is on his ass,

he's got high blood pressure.

I could go on, but it's all bad.

Sean wanted his big brother

to be his best man.

But I don't think

Stanley felt too honored.

I can't afford this.

This party is costing me

an arm and

three f***in' legs, man!

I always feel kinda sorry

for Stanley.

It has to be shitty

to go through life

always seeing and expecting

the bad in everything.

I'm probably gonna get cancer...

in my cock.

Hey, man,

I've been waitin' on you.

The man of honor

gets the first puff.

Yeah, boy.

Jesse is Sean's favorite cousin.

I guess you can say that...

Jesse is a little on

the other side of the law.

Jesse's done some bad things.

Some really bad things.

And he's been locked up

more than a few times.

But despite his rap sheet,

Jesse has a heart of gold.

Fortunately, Jesse was

released just in time

to be a groomsman

in the wedding.

Hey, man, you take care of that?

Oh, yeah, man, for sure.

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