Bachelors Page #3

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Butterfly's bringing her girls.

Butterfly?

Butterfly is Jesse's wife,

and she's just as tough

as Jesse.

Butterfly's done

some bad things.

Some really bad things.

But whenever Jesse

gets locked up,

Butterfly writes him letters,

keeps money on his books

and visits him.

Even I have to admit,

Jesse and Butterfly

are perfect for each other.

One of Butterfly's many

hustles is managing strippers.

According to Jesse,

she's got real quality product.

F***in' A!

Yeah, man, she's got

a batch of 'em comin'.

But listen,

Butterfly don't take no sh*t

when it comes to clients

messin' with her girls.

Don't worry about it, man.

Listen.

We're all respectable men.

- It's all good.

- All right.

Let's have a good night then.

Wait a minute!

Aaron, what is he doing?

Floyd, listen.

Hey, listen.

Nobody is going to jail, okay?

- But we agreed. No drugs!

- It's just marijuana.

Besides, it's medicinal.

It's fine.

Listen, I'm gonna get that.

You just sit down right here.

Relax and, uh...

inhale.

Yeah, there you go.

Don't forget to lock the door!

- Hey, you wanna hit this sh*t?

- No!

I was really hoping

Miles could make it.

It's been a minute

since we've seen him.

We're all so damn proud of him.

We get excited whenever

we get a chance to see...

Gus?

The one and only.

Gus wasn't invited.

Now surely you a**holes know

that a party ain't a party

without the Gus-Man, right?

How did you know we were here?

Hey, you never know

what to expect from ol' Gus.

Guess that's what makes me

such an outstanding person.

Whoo! Yes!

It reminds me of that game

against Mount Vernon High.

You remember that game, right?

Sean and I know Gus

from high school.

Most people don't like Gus.

To be honest, I'm not

too crazy about him myself.

And I smashed that puck

right through

that goalie's five-hole.

Gus has a lot of

unlikeable qualities.

For instance, he's always

talking about himself.

Always trying to be

the center of attention.

I'm just the type of person

whose light is so bright,

it's kinda hard to be around me,

you know what I mean?

I'm the type of person who

women just find themselves...

And always using

big words out of context.

Because my style,

it's irrevocable, you know?

It's ubiquitous to

my atmospheric surroundings.

But before you

pass judgment on Gus,

you have to understand

what helped mold him

into the a**hole he is today.

Although this might

be hard to believe,

Gus used to be the sh*t.

When we were in high school,

Gus was the number one

hockey player.

Everybody thought he was

gonna go pro, especially Gus,

but his f***ed-up attitude

f***ed up everything.

Now, 20 years later,

he's still trying

to convince everybody

how great he still is.

Oh ho ho ho ho!

Look who's in

the motherfucking hittee!

Hey, hey!

Who in the heck is this guy?

I don't know him.

He's not one of the groomsmen.

Why is he in my house?

Uh, I'm Gus.

Surely you've heard

Aaron and Sean tell stories

about my glory days

in high school, hello?

I was the sh*t, no?

Never heard of you, Gus.

Now, would you please

get out of my house?

Gus, this was sort of

an invite-only kinda thing.

Oh, no, no, that's cool.

I invited myself, yeah.

Will somebody

please tell this guy

that a party ain't a party

without the Gus-man?

Hello, hello!

I'm here to see my boy Sean

bitin' the poison apple!

Gus, if you don't leave,

I'll be forced

to call the police.

Is he forced to call the police?

Man, f*** the police!

I ain't afraid of no popos!

My heart don't pump

no Kool-Aid!

Besides, cops wanted me.

They were begging me

to join their ranks,

They were begging me to join,

but then I realized

I'm too law-abiding to be a cop.

Follow me on that one.

Okay, okay, that's it!

Last warning!

It's gonna get ugly

if you don't get the heck

out of my house!

Floyd, Floyd...

Floyd, Floyd, calm down.

Can you cut Gus a break,

all right?

Okay, sorry.

Aaron promised it would be eight

people total, including me.

Eight people total.

I hear you, and we're sorry.

Look, I will admit,

Gus is an a**hole.

But I would feel like a bigger

a**hole if I asked him to leave

after he came all this way

to celebrate with me.

Do you know what I'm saying?

So can you just do me

this solid, please?

You promise he won't

touch me anymore?

We'll try our best.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Good. You look sharp,

by the way.

- Very GQ.

- Yes.

Can I borrow that tie sometime?

- Of course!

- All right.

- It's all good.

- It's all good?

To be honest,

I really wasn't worried.

You guys aren't crazy.

So how's life been

treatin' you, Sean?

- Life's pretty...

- That is so great, man.

My life is just fantastic.

Things are so good with me.

They're just so good, you know?

They just keep getting

better and better.

My team is doing great.

Then again,

how could they not be

with such a great and

pulchritudinous leader,

you know what I mean?

Hey, so how's the missus, huh?

Or should I say

soon to be missus?

- Irene, she's...

- Oh, man, my wife Mary-Lou,

she's hanging in there.

Once in a while,

she gets a little mouthy,

nothing that a quick backhand

or a right hook can't solve.

You know what I mean? Hey.

Word to the wise about marriage.

You better establish

your dominance

coming right out

the freaking gate

because if you do not,

you will live

the rest of your days

as a henpecked,

yellow-belly eunuch.

Believe me.

I know.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

Wow, that's crazy.

Speaking of which...

Hey, do you remember

that game that I won for us

against Schroeder High

in our junior year?

I just pulled that article out

yesterday and read it.

They had us down by 11.

The entire team had given up,

but not me.

No, no, no, no.

I knew if I wanted that win,

I had to take over

like a real man.

That's when I sliced that

big overgrown b*tch Whittaker

right across his face and

made him bleed out of his chin.

He was crying,

bleeding all over the eyes.

Do you remember that?

I think that's Miles.

You don't remember that game?

I slashed him right across

his f***in' face, remember?

I was the f***in' hero,

remember that?

Make sure you lock the door!

Oh, yeah, there he is!

How you doin'?

How are you, brother?

Good to see you, man.

Miles went to high school

with us, too.

Later this year, he'll be

retiring from a very successful

professional hockey career.

He's pretty f***in'

rich and famous.

But despite his success,

Miles is probably the humblest

and nicest guy I know.

All right, how's the fam?

Oh, the girl's

too informed, man.

You gotta give 'em mind, man.

They miss Uncle Aaron.

I would love to.

I would love to, man.

- Is everybody here?

- Yeah, everyone's out back.

Oh...

sh*t!

- What's up, man?

- How are you?

- Good, man, good seeing you.

- Good to see you.

I don't know if any

of the other fellas

have ever noticed

how much Gus hates Miles.

I don't even think

Miles knows it.

Gus's grudge goes all the way

back to high school

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