Bachelors Page #4

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when Gus was number one

and Miles was number two.

I guess I can understand why

Gus would be a little envious.

Miles is a star hockey player.

Gus is a high school

hockey coach.

Miles married a model.

Gus's wife is... nice.

Miles is a millionaire.

Gus is broke.

Everybody loves Miles.

Everybody hates Gus.

- Good to see you.

- You, too.

Hey! There he is.

- Hey, brother.

- Oh! Hey, yeah.

- Good to see you, Gus.

- Mmm.

Oh, man, it's been too long.

How's life treatin' ya?

Oh, man,

everything's perfect with me.

It's just...

Couldn't be any better.

Got the f***in' world

by the ass!

- Nice.

- What's up with you?

Oh, sh*t! I've been

meaning to tell you.

I saw that game,

your last game that you played

against the Ducks.

Your game seemed

a little off, you know?

Like maybe you couldn't get

around the ice like you used to.

Isn't that a shame when players

play longer than they should?

A guy needs to know when

his time has come and gone.

You know what I mean, don't you?

- Yeah, I feel you.

- Yeah, cheers.

There's supposed to be

some b*tches coming, man.

I'll see you in there.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing. Nothing.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

You were about to call

Irene, weren't you?

What?

No! No.

- Give me your phone.

- No.

Give me your f***in' phone!

Get the f*** outside!

All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm going.

Sean's got it bad.

Worse than I thought.

Although it's kinda weird

not getting any calls

or texts from Kayla.

We used to randomly

send each other funny texts

and pics throughout the day.

And sometimes we just hung out,

not even talking or laughing.

Just silence.

Even when I was sick,

like the time I thought

I had the bubonic plague,

Kayla still came around,

took care of me

and made me laugh.

What the f*** am I doin'?

Hey, Stanley,

is Uncle Ulysses coming?

How the f*** would I know?

Do I look like a goddamn

party planner?

F***!

Tom Cruise-looking

motherf***er!

Uncle Ulysses

is Sean and Stanley's uncle.

Actually,

he's their great-uncle.

Uncle Ulysses is

a real interesting dude.

He's sort of a Renaissance man.

He's traveled the world.

He's met, hung out and

gotten drunk with everybody.

Presidents, kings, movie stars,

gangsters, you name it.

He's been a soldier,

a medicine man,

a fortune teller, a mercenary,

a migrant fruit-picker,

a pearl diver,

and who know what else.

He never got married

or had any kids.

Most importantly,

it's been said that he's

nailed over 3,000 women.

I believe it.

Uncle Ulysses is most famous

for being a party animal.

He's known worldwide

as being the Yoda of drinking.

On countless occasions,

he's drank Sean and I

under the table.

Literally.

Another thing about

Uncle Ulysses,

he walks everywhere.

Whether it's 20 blocks

or 20 miles, he walks.

And he carries that goddamn

suitcase everywhere he goes.

Although I've inquired

many, many times,

nobody knows what's inside

his goddamn suitcase.

Like I said, Uncle Ulysses

is a real interesting dude.

Aloha!

Hello!

How'd you get in here?

I told you to lock

the front door.

- I did.

- How you doin'?

Well, well.

Hello, you!

- Good to see you, man.

- Oh! Let's party!

Oh! Be careful.

Guys, what is this,

like a gay circle jerk?

I came to see some

titties and ass!

Tonight's collective toast

is to a young man

who's committed to

the most wonderful commitment

an individual can commit to.

Sean, I wish you love, life

and liberty.

All right!

Sean, I love you,

you're my best friend,

but it's not too late

to back out.

Oh!

P*ssy!

Hey, Miles, I wanna say

congrats, cuz.

Irene's good people, man.

Hope y'all have a gang

of little motherfuckers, man.

This is to you.

There you go.

So long, sucker!

Whoo!

- Hey, man, pass that sh*t.

- Come on, pass!

Pass, pass, come on!

F***.

Congratulations, Sean.

I just wanna wish you and

your new wife all the best.

Please take it easy on my house.

Oh, no, no.

I've been looking forward

to this a long time.

That's some sh*t.

Congratulations to Sean.

We go way back, my man.

Contrary to what these jokers

are trying to make you believe,

marriage,

it's a beautiful thing.

Just always keep it real

with each other.

Cheers, my man.

God damn.

Here.

Why you gonna be

an a**hole, Stanley?

Suck my dick.

I wanted all of you to be a part

of my big day for a reason.

Each of you helped mold me

into the man I am today.

Yes, I did!

Good... and bad.

I appreciate

every one of you guys.

I f***in' love you, a**holes.

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink!

Drink! Drink!

- Yeah!

- Ha ha! Yeah!

Here! Keep it full.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Now we got a party.

It's all over the floor.

So when shall we be expecting

these strippers?

Don't worry. We have plenty of

live entertainment

coming shortly.

- That's what I wanna hear!

- Me f***in', too!

Strippers?

Live entertainment?

- Yeah.

- Dirty.

We had an agreement, Aaron.

Eight people total.

Strippers and/or

live entertainment

makes way more than

eight people!

I'm gonna have

to shut it down, okay?

Okay, guys! That's it!

Wait! Just shut the f*** up

for a second, all right?

You're ruining the goddamn plan!

Look! Joy is far, far away

from here.

Grow some f***in' balls,

will ya?

Just calm the f*** down.

Have a great time

and enjoy yourself.

Can you do that?

Can you calm down?

All right,

let's have a good time.

Can I borrow you for a second?

Now I wanted tonight

to be special.

I mean really special, okay?

Don't ask me how I did this

'cause I'm never gonna tell you,

but...

I was able to get Epiphany

to come tonight.

What? Epiphany?

To the average person,

the name Epiphany probably

doesn't mean that much.

But those who know

know that Epiphany

is a stripper.

Actually, she used

to be a stripper.

Now...

she's a legend.

Epiphany only makes

special appearances

at select bachelor parties.

Mostly she's hired

to bang the groom

on his last night of freedom.

Word has it, after a guy

hooks up with Epiphany,

he's never the same.

Epiphany's

unbelievably expensive.

But for Sean,

she'll be worth every cent.

I don't... I don't know

what to say.

There's something else about

Sean that I find amazing.

Sean has never cheated on Irene.

No bullshit. Never!

That is f***ing amazing to me.

In my humble opinion,

cheating is inevitable.

How can you wake up

to the same face everyday

and not get tired of it?

Like I always say,

a guy could line up

all the women in the world

and take his time to pick

what he considers to be

the most beautiful one.

In three months,

he'll be tired of her.

Crap!

Everybody cheats.

You have to keep in mind

men and women

see cheating differently.

The woman wants to know...

I don't care if you f***ed her!

Did you love her?

The guys wants to know...

I don't care if you loved him.

Did you f*** him?

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