Bachelors Page #5

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I've never really had

a girlfriend to cheat on.

But I have to admit,

after nailing the last few

girls since I met Kayla,

I did feel a little bad.

Hey, sexy, let's get you home.

Don't want you

driving home too late.

Matter of fact, I felt so bad

I actually confessed it

to Kayla.

I couldn't believe

I was snitching on myself.

I'd never done anything

like that before.

It was like

an out-of-body experience.

I expected her to scream, cuss,

scratch my eyes out

and shank me.

But she didn't.

We just talked about it.

And she forgave me.

I mean, I know she wasn't

my girlfriend or anything,

and I shouldn't care, but...

she forgave me.

Wow.

You don't need to say anything.

You know what to do.

Oh, f*** yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, sh*t!

Good evening, gentlemen.

Whoo!

You all ready to have

a good time tonight?

Oh, yeah!

All right.

Here are the rules.

Do not touch the girls.

Boo! That's bullshit!

They can touch you,

but you can't touch them.

I'm serious.

Tip.

Performing tonight

for your visual pleasure

are the finest, the freakiest,

the most fascinating b*tches

to ever work a pole!

- Please!

- Luscious!

Are you boys

ready for the night?

Yummy!

Hello, gentlemen.

Precious.

Who wants to be spanked?

Yeah!

Chastity!

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Delicious.

- Hello, hungry boys.

- Dreamy.

I'll make your dreams come true.

Temptation.

- You want some of this?

- Sin.

- You guys ready to party?

- Seduction.

Who wants to get nasty?

All right, girls,

go do your thing.

Make that ass bounce

Up and down

like a basketball

Your booty's so round

Let's play ratchetball

Shake that sweet

brown sh*t, girl.

Mmm! I like what I see.

Sit this here

Get nasty on that ass you got

Girl, you better not

go past me

I play the sexophone

I don't mind if

you get a little jazzy

Whoo!

Dirty old man, you!

Ooh! That one.

She a kidnapper

Amber alert, Amber alert

Be quiet

That's a grown woman

She be in the gym

Get over here, girl!

Relax, beautiful.

Don't... touch.

Come on, relax. You and I

got a nice rhythm going.

Hey, hey, if you're friendly,

there'll be a nice fat tip

in it for you.

Baby, come on, big fat tip!

Hey, girls.

Do you wanna come out?

The guy's your man.

Oh, my!

If we must, we must.

Sh*t! You girls seem like

you may have done this

one or two times before.

Whoo-hoo!

I'm an Aztec god!

Cheez-alcoatl!

Is it cool if later, I crawl up

inside you and take a nap?

This is so fun to watch.

Touch your toes,

touch your toes.

Go ahead, bend over,

touch your toes.

Wait. Where we going?

All right, girls.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Remember, you said there's

a big fat tip in it for me.

Trust me, baby.

It is.

Ow!

Oh, hell no.

Hey, a**hole, I told you!

No touching!

- What did I say?

- Come on! What?

Ladies, that's it.

Pack it up, show's over.

No! No!

Oh, come on!

No! No!

What'd you do, man?

What the f***

did I tell you, man?

Be respectful!

You motherfuck!

- Hey! Hey!

- Control this animal!

F*** you! F*** you!

What the hell are you doin'?

You f***in' f***ed it up!

I can't believe you fags

are making such a big deal

about these stank-ass

f***in' hookers!

They're back?

Nice house.

Good evening, gentlemen.

I'm Detective Armstrong.

This is Detective Gonzalez.

Well, well, well,

if it ain't the popos!

Yeah, what can we do

for you, Detectives?

Looking for this scumbag

right here:
Jesse Jameson.

You guys seen him?

Yeah, he escaped from prison.

Our sources informed us

that he might be right here

at his cousin's bachelor party.

Is that true?

Which one of you is his cousin?

That would be me, Detectives,

but I haven't seen Jesse

in ages.

Last I heard,

he was still in prison.

That's right, Detectives.

We're all law-abiding

citizens here.

We would never harbor

a fugitive from the law.

That's crazy.

It's just a bachelor party.

Bachelor party.

All right.

You see this motherf***er,

give us a call, right?

Yes, sir, Detective Armstrong.

Absolutely.

Let's go. Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Now wait a minute, gentlemen!

You sure you don't wanna

have a little cocktail?

Gus, what are you...

Don't be silly.

They're detectives.

They don't have time for that.

They've got crooks to catch.

Besides, they can't drink.

They're detectives.

Oh, sh*t!

Sorry, dog!

Hey, I like y'all.

Anybody who said it wasn't fun

drinking with cops are lying!

Y'all motherfuckers are crazy!

We gotta go, man!

Oh, my God! What the...

Okay, they're gone, Jesse!

You can come out now!

You're dead, motherf***er!

Get the gun!

F***ing gun!

- I got it! I got it!

- Get off!

F***!

That motherf***er

almost got me busted!

Hey, I saved your ass!

If it wasn't for me, those cops

would've left here suspicious!

Gus, shut the f*** up!

Dude, you broke out

of f***in' prison?

Yeah.

God damn, Jesse!

Could've got us all busted

for hiding you out!

We didn't know we were

hiding you out! F***, man!

You said you served

your time, dude!

I lied.

Look, man, I'm sorry.

I have 16 months left.

Oh, God.

Does Butterfly know?

You're my favorite cousin, Sean.

You always been there for me.

I wasn't gonna miss

your big day.

I did it 'cause I love you, cuz,

I swear to God.

Jesus.

F***!

I'm so sorry.

Where the f*** is Floyd?

I had to shut his ass up.

Hey, Floyd, how you doin'?

We're having a great time.

Just wanna let you know.

And I'm really sorry

about all of this.

Just so you know,

before I remove this gag,

everything is cool,

so just be cool, okay?

Did I hear shooting?

Are the police still here?

Did anybody get shot?

Did they get in the shootout

with the cops?

Is anybody bleeding?

If they're bleeding...

No blood in the house!

No!

Get me out of here!

Dick don't even realize what

an altruistic move that was.

The goddamn hero of the hour.

Hey, don't let the bullshit

get you down, Gus.

You had good intentions, bro.

That's all that matters.

Let's lighten the mood,

keep the party going for Sean.

Cheers.

What makes you think I need you

to lighten my f***in' mood?

I can lighten

my own goddamn mood.

Oh.

Oh, calm down, Gus.

Calm down?

I am calm, okay?

I was really calm

until you came over here

like Florence F***in'

Nightingale

with your little toast.

I propose a toast.

Hey, everybody! Hey, guys!

I'd like to propose a toast,

a toast to Miles!

Miles, the only guy I know

who's so perfect,

his sh*t don't stink!

Cheers!

What's your problem

with me, Gus?

What makes you think I got

a problem with you, Mr. Perfect?

I'm not perfect, Gus.

Oh, I know that.

I've been watching your games.

You damn sure

ain't perfect, okay?

If I'd gone professional by now,

I'd be better than ever

because I'd be using the

knowledge and the understanding

and the wisdom that I've

accumulated throughout the years

and combined that

with my God-given talent.

But you're not me.

You're number two!

You're still number two!

Remember that!

Whatever.

Oh, whatever? Whatever?

I'll show you whatever.

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