Bachelors Page #6

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Let's take it to the ice!

- What?

- You heard me, Mr. Hockey Star.

I challenge you to a shootout.

First three points.

I got sticks, pucks.

What are you

f***in' laughin' at?

I got sticks, pucks

and everything in the car.

I'm so real with it

I even got a f***in' goal!

Let's go!

What's the matter, Miles,

you scared?

You're scared? Huh?

Let's rock it!

Let's do this.

Watch close, chumps.

You're about to watch

a master at work.

Oh, come on!

Do your thing, Miles!

Show us that thing!

Watch close, punks!

- Aah!

- Ohh!

Come on, Miles,

punk-ass b*tch!

Nothing gets past!

Oh!

That's why he's

the motherfucking best!

Shut the f*** up!

I'm just warming up!

Ohh!

Bee-yotch! You scared?

Do you wanna get past?

Ohh!

Ah, sh*t!

Now watch the magic, b*tches.

- Ohh!

- It's good though.

Just follow through, brother.

Just follow through.

Shut up! It's all part of

my strategy, dumb-asses.

- Watch this!

- Miles! Miles!

Go ahead.

Here come the pain!

Ohh!

All right, I got this.

I'm just warmin' up here anyway.

Come on!

I'm a stenchy b*tch.

Nothing gets past me. Nothing!

This is what I do!

Ohh!

Thataboy!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! We done?

Oh, that's cool.

I just forgot to warm up.

If I was playing on ice

with my skates,

I would've rocked it.

Thank you.

Can I get a beer now?

Can we finally start drinking?

I'll be right back.

Gotta go take a leak.

Ah, yeah.

Sweet smell of victory

So what's up?

You all right?

I've been thinking about

what you've been sayin'.

And the truth is,

the idea of spending the rest

of my life with one woman

f***in' terrifies me.

You have no idea

how long I've been waiting

to hear you say this.

Look, Irene,

she's a great girl, man.

But marriage, hey, this is...

Maybe you just need

to slow down a little bit.

The problem is, bro,

the wedding's tomorrow.

It's not like I can

just call it off.

I'd go down as

the biggest a**hole

in the history of a**holes.

It's never too late.

It is never too late.

Sean, you and I have been best

friends since the fourth grade.

We've always had

each other's backs,

and we have each other's

backs right now.

If you don't wanna

go through with this...

I'll pay for everything.

I will take the heat.

You don't even know

what you wanna do, do you?

Because you've lost perspective.

That is exactly why

it is so important

that you have a taste

the good life tonight

to get your senses back.

What time does

Epiphany get here?

Yes!

All right. All right.

I love you!

Pull it together,

pull it together.

It's okay.

You're still number one.

You're still the Gus-man.

Oh!

Hey, good game.

Yeah, man, good game,

good game, great game.

- Hey, Gus.

- Yeah.

Do you remember junior year,

the big game against Riverdale

High when I missed the goal

- and we lost that game?

- Yeah.

Do you remember what

I asked you after the game?

No.

I asked you if you thought

I had what it takes.

Do you remember your answer?

No.

Well, you asked me if I thought

I had what it takes.

And I said yeah.

Then you said,

"Then it doesn't matter what

the hell anybody else thinks."

I said that?

Hell yeah, you did.

Gus.

I never forgot that, ever.

And I hope you didn't

forget it either.

I mean, you're a coach.

A coach!

Just think about how much

Coach Modesto influenced us.

You're doing the same thing

for these kids.

That is a lot

to be proud of, man.

You're right.

Thank you.

- You bet.

- Thank you.

Let's grab a beer, man.

I wanna hear all about the team.

- All right.

- All right.

Basically, I got

a really good team, right?

But the teams today, they gotta

be the laziest sons of b*tches

- who ever lived!

- Yeah, they are.

They really are.

Part of my plan was for Sean

to get f***ed up tonight.

I wanted him to have the

kind of fun we used to have.

I don't want him

to get too drunk

'cause if he does,

he'll be so hungover,

he'll be happy to leave

this life behind.

Plus I paid a mint for Epiphany,

and he's gonna enjoy it

if it f***in' kills me.

I ain't seen him

this happy, man.

I just hope Irene

ride like Butterfly.

I just have to know

when to take his MFD,

his motherfuckin' drink.

I have to get me another MFD...

Not that I was checking,

but Kayla's social media page

said that she was leaving

for Chicago tomorrow night

to accept the job.

I guess it is what it is.

What? What? What?

I appreciate you being

my best man, bro.

Where are you going with this?

I'm saying...

I appreciate you.

I gotta take a sh*t.

I just wish we were closer.

Between me and you,

it's been pretty tight

since my assistant coach left.

We're already losing.

Now we're the biggest losers

in the state.

It's so f***in' magnanimous.

And the principal

just told me the other day

if I don't turn this sh*t around

now, they're gonna fire my ass.

Coaching is my life.

If I lose that gig, I might

just lose my reason to live.

I know I act like

everything's great,

but I'm really struggling, man.

Bro, I feel you, man.

I'm struggling, too.

You struggling?

Come on, man.

I was just hating when

I said all that stuff

about you losing your skills.

You still got it, okay?

Be proud.

I appreciate that.

It's the truth.

But I know I can't keep up

with these young boys.

I'm not trying to.

I just...

I don't know what the hell

I'm gonna do with myself

after I retire.

I don't have any hobbies.

I don't wanna be a sportscaster

or an actor

or anything like that.

I mean, between you and me,

it's all got me

a little depressed.

Actually, it's, uh...

it's got me a lot depressed.

I'm seeing a therapist.

It's really hard

keeping a positive face

for my wife and family,

you know?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

God damn!

I guess sh*t really ain't

greener on the other side.

I mean, I'm just saying

I'm sorry, bro.

Don't sweat it.

I'm sure you'll find it.

It's gotta be something

right under your nose.

I mean, you'll find something.

I wish I could have

a real pro like you

to be my assistant coach.

That b*tch-ass principal

won't talk about firing me then.

Plus I'd have somebody on

my team who understands the game

damn near as well as I do.

I'll do it.

Nah, I...

Are you serious?

Serious as an ice fight, man.

Yeah, I'll do it.

Hell yeah!

Oh, man!

Let's go do some shots

or something. Come on! Yes!

You're cool?

Ah.

I'm cool.

Good. Then stay cool.

Here, come on, okay.

Incoming!

Oh, you havin'

a good time, Stan?

I want you to have

a good time, Stan.

You know, you haven't smiled

since we were kids, Stan.

Come on, stop with that

affectionate sh*t.

- Seriously.

- What? What?

Brothers should be able to

share affection with each other.

Yeah, save that sh*t

for your b*tch.

What did you just say?

I said save that sh*t

for your b*tch.

Don't call Irene a b*tch.

F*** you.

If I wanna call her a b*tch,

I'll call her a b*tch.

You know, I am so sick

of your negativity.

What are you gonna do about it?

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