Bachelors Page #7

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B*tch.

- You f***!

- Oh! Oh!

It's a fight!

Hey, guys...

Oh! Look what you did!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, guys, look what he did!

Sh*t! Sh*t!

Sh*t! F***!

You two should be

ashamed of yourselves.

You're brothers!

I can't feel my left side.

Sean started it!

It's his fault!

And I'm sure you gave him

a very good damn reason.

You are one very unhappy and

bitter motherf***er, Stanley.

And that's something

you have to work out!

But despite it all,

your brother here

is one of the very last

creatures on this planet

who loves you.

He really does.

And I think it's high time

you recognized that.

F***ing Ulysses!

You must be Epiphany.

Yes, ma'am,

I will send him right in.

Just wanna say also

that it's an honor

to actually meet you in person.

Finally.

Heard a lot about you.

Whew.

My friend...

it's the moment of truth.

You're a grown-ass man.

I can't tell you what to do.

But here's your opportunity

to prove to yourself

some of the old Sean

is still in you.

I'm proud of you.

I can't.

What?

I can't do it.

What are you talking about?

I can't do it to Irene.

Sean.

What do you mean

you can't do it?

Dude, you said you were

gonna go all out tonight.

Come on!

Do you realize what you're

about to do to yourself?

Get your ass in there!

- Hey, hey!

- If you don't go in that room...

Get the f*** off

my brother, all right?

If he don't wanna cheat on

Irene, he doesn't have to.

And none of you guys are

gonna make him feel guilty

about that decision.

Come on, bro.

I'll take you home.

Irene's waiting on you.

What the f*** is going on?

Are you serious?

Sorry.

Be a lot cooler if you did!

Hey, bro, hold on a second.

Look, man, I'm sorry

I yelled at you and grabbed you,

but I'm sure you can understand

where it's coming from.

I'm just trying

to protect you, man.

I'm doing this

for your own good.

Party sucks.

Hello, Miss Epiphany.

It's an honor

on behalf of everyone.

I would like to apologize

for the delay.

And I wanted to let you know

that I will personally

pay any penalty

or inconvenience made.

Look, Aaron.

I'm in love with Irene.

I wanna marry her.

I wanna spend the rest

of my life with her.

I know that sounds crazy to you,

but she makes me happy.

I hope you can find

that kind of love, too.

See you later, yeah?

I'm gonna go home,

make love to my wife.

Damn.

What'd I miss?

I failed, Floyd.

Thought I could stop it,

but I couldn't.

All this was for nothing.

For nothing? For nothing?

I put my life on the line

for nothing?

You're sitting over there

feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm over here, I'm contemplating

my own mortality.

Do you have any idea

what's gonna happen to me

when Joy comes home?

Do you?

I'm over here mourning

the loss of a best friend.

You're over there

spooked by a woman

who's a hundred miles

away from here, Floyd!

We have plenty of time to clean

this goddamn f***in' sh*t!

Calm the f*** down!

God damn! F***!

What the hell?

Oh, no.

Oh, hey, Joy. Uh...

We weren't expecting you

home so soon.

It's good to see you!

And just so you know,

none of this was Floyd's idea.

This was all me.

I will pay for everything.

Floyd!

Floyd!

Floyd!

Calm the f*** down.

What did you say to me?

You heard me.

I said calm the f*** down.

It's time I remind you I am

the man of this goddamn house!

Okay? So you,

you can go to your room,

you can unpack your sh*t,

and you can wait

while I finish with my friend.

Then... I'll come.

And we can have a sensible talk.

Do it now, Joy!

Okay. Floyd.

But when you come talk to me,

be ready.

To be honest,

I think Joy is gonna literally

beat Floyd to death.

But that's not important.

When Floyd stood up to Joy,

he faced his greatest fear.

And how many of us can say that?

Sure you don't want a lift?

No, thanks, I'll make it.

So did your production last

night go the way you planned?

No, Uncle Ulysses,

I can't say it did.

Well, son, every man

has to walk his own path.

I don't think Sean really knows

what he's getting himself into.

I'm sure you know what

I'm talking about, right?

Seems like you and I are the

last soldiers still standing.

And thank God for guys

like you, Uncle Ulysses.

You're a real inspiration to me.

You never compromise.

You always live your life

on your own terms.

I mean, 2,500 women?

That sounds like

a good life to me.

Well, life is meant

to be experienced.

I've done a lot of partying,

lot of women-chasing

in my day.

Yes, you have.

But sometimes,

at the end of the day

when I'm just

sitting there with a drink,

I keep thinking about all

the good women I let get away.

Seems as though, no matter

how much partying I do

or f***ing I do,

I just can't escape

the truth of life.

I guess that's why I always

keep it here with me.

Matter of fact, I think

it's time I show it to you.

Oh, no, Uncle Ulysses.

- Look, I...

- No, no!

I don't need to see that.

I really don't.

- No, you need to see this.

- I don't need...

Holy sh*t.

Well, I guess I should be going.

See you tonight at the wedding.

Irene, do you take Sean

to be your lawfully

wedded husband,

to have and to hold,

to love and to cherish,

for richer, for poorer,

as long as you both shall live?

It's really happening.

And I'm standing here

watching it happen.

Sean knows exactly

what he's getting into,

but he still looks happy.

How can he be happy?

Suddenly, the faces

of all the women

I've been with

throughout the years

flashed before my eyes.

Damn.

I can't even remember

most of their names.

I used to be happy

with a variety of women.

But now...

even that's getting boring.

I used to be so happy

in the club.

Thought if I wasn't out

partying and meeting women,

I was missing something.

Now I realize...

I ain't missing sh*t.

Besides,

do I really wanna be

the old man in the club?

You need to stop

being so afraid.

What am I afraid of?

After all the theories and

legends about the suitcase,

it was empty.

Empty?

What the f***?

What am I afraid of?

What am I afraid of?

What the f*** am I afraid of?!

Sorry.

Sorry.

And, Sean, do you take Irene

to be your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold,

to love and to cherish

for richer, for poorer,

as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Then by the power

vested in me by God

and the state of California,

I now pronounce you

man and wife.

You may kiss your bride.

Oh, sh*t.

No worries.

I'll tell Sean.

You better hurry.

F***!

F***!

Kayla!

Aaron?

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

What... What are you doing?

Oh! You're still here!

I'm okay, I'm okay.

I just needed

to tell you something.

If you leave, I will slit

my wrist with a butter knife.

I will drown myself in a puddle.

I will throw myself in front of

a speeding yellow school bus

full of bad-ass kids.

Just don't go.

Aaron, I really

appreciate you coming here

and getting hit

by a car and all.

I've had to do

some thinking, too.

Now I'm the one who's afraid.

I've got a few things

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