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towards our fine university.

I think Mr. Melon

should be expelled.

What are you going

to do about it?

Well, Thornton...

I'm only going

to ask you this one time.

Is the work that

you turned in your own?

I can't lie to you,

Dean Martin.

Yes, it is.

I'm satisfied.

- Phil?

- I'm outraged.

Gee whiz, Phil!

I just asked the man...

if the work was his,

and he said yes.

What do you want me to do,

torture him?

I suggest a comprehensive

oral examination...

conducted by all of

Mr. Melon's professors.

Oral examination?

Yes. If you've done the work

you say you have...

there should be no problem,

should there?

Hey, Jase.

Hey, Lou. How you doin'?

Come here.

I want to tell you something.

What?

You were pretty hard

on your father last night.

I know, but the guy

doesn't understand.

I know your pop thirty years.

He understands.

He's a nice guy,

and he's tough.

Like me.

I'm nice, and I'm tough.

I'll give you an idea

what I mean.

My two boys... I put one

through college...

and the other

I put through a wall.

Your papa loves you.

He's lookin' out for ya.

Look out for him.

What's goin' on?

I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason.

This college thing

was a big mistake.

- So you're gonna give up?

- I can't win.

They want me to take oral exams

in all my subjects.

If I don't take them,

they'll kick me out.

And if I take 'em,

who knows where they'll kick me.

Hey, Dad, you remember

what you told me...

when I told you

I wanted to quit?

You told me that a man

without an education is nothing.

I can't do it.

You can do anything

you want to do.

You can do anything

you want in life.

Remember, you're a Melon.

Don't quit. I'll help you.

Before we begin...

I would just like to thank

each and every professor here...

for taking time out of

his/her extremely busy schedule.

And a special thanks, of course,

to Mr. Thornton Melon...

who I don't have to remind

anyone is the donor...

of our new

Melon School of Business.

We're wasting time.

Sorry, Phil.

Now, Mr. Melon,

you'll have three hours...

to complete the examination.

If you fail any part of it,

you will be expelled.

Mr. Melon, do you understand?

- The Council of Trent.

- Excuse me?

I missed the question.

We haven't begun yet.

Well, Dr. Barbay,

I suppose you're up first.

I have only one question

for Mr. Melon...

in 27 parts.

I'd like to break him

in 27 parts.

Excuse me?

No, nothin', nothin'.

Discuss the foundations of

modern global business systems.

Part one:
Define

and differentiate...

the three economic

philosophies...

of capitalism, socialism

and communism...

as pertains to:

A... management fundamentals;

B... organizing and staffing;

C... labor management;

and D... production

and operations.

Part two...

Are you getting

all this, Mr. Melon?

Yeah. It's a piece o' cake.

Jason?

Valerie.

I wanted to apologize

for the other night...

my behavior

and the things I said.

And to thank you...

for your behavior

and the things you said.

I'm really sorry.

And I'm really

in love with you...

and I really have been

for a very long time.

And I can't believe

I'm saying this.

I don't want

to embarrass you...

or make you feel

uncomfortable with me...

but...

I've been needing to tell you

this for a very long time.

Are you aware that

that's the most...

you've ever said to me

at one time?

Except, of course, for the time

that you were ravingly drunk.

I love you, too.

In response

to Roman numeral 27...

section three, part two...

of subset D...

of the question...

the answer is...

Mr. Melon?

Mr. Melon?

Hey, relax. This man's been put

under a lot of pressure.

Let's take it easy on him.

Say it! Say it!

The answer is... four?

Right.

Dr. Turner?

Hold it. That's it.

I can't take it no more.

I feel like I just gave birth

to an accountant.

Wait a minute, Thornton.

Thornton, do you remember

when we discussed...

the Dylan Thomas poem...

"Do Not Go Gentle

Into That Good Night"?

I don't know.

No. Maybe.

Thornton, think.

What's going on here?

Philip, relax. It's my turn.

Do you remember it?

"Do not go gentle into...

"into that good night.

"Old age should burn

and rage...

"at close of day.

"Rage, rage against

the dying of the light.

"Wild men who caught...

"and sang the sun in flight

and learned too late...

"they grieved it on its way.

"Do not go gentle

into that good night.

"Grave men near death...

"who see with blinding sight.

"Blind eyes could blaze

like meteors and be gay.

"Rage, rage against

the dying of the light.

"And you, my father,

there on the sad height.

"Curse, bless me now...

"with your fierce tears,

I pray.

"Do not go gentle

into that good night.

"Rage! Rage against

the dying of the light!"

Thornton, what does that poem

mean to you?

It means...

I don't take sh*t from no one.

I'm gonna pass this test.

I'm stayin' in school!

Who's next?

Now diving for

the Atlantic Eastern Eagles...

current conference champion...

Doug Nelson.

You know what you

almost never see?

Somebody heckling a diver.

- You're all right, kid.

- Thanks, Lou.

Please refrain from making

loud noises during the dives.

Next up, the Atlantic

Eastern Eagles'...

Bill Steincap.

That concludes Atlantic

Eastern's ten-meter dives.

Next up,

the Grand Lakes Hooters.

We would like to remind you...

tickets to all Grand Lakes

sporting events...

are available through

the student services office.

Are you interested

in Valerie Desmond?

She's with me.

Coming into your own,

are you, Melon?

I wouldn't break my arm...

patting myself on the back

if I were you.

Because... get this, towel boy...

no matter what you think,

you will always be a crude...

obnoxious, nouveau riche

little phlebe...

and you're gonna end up

just like your father.

God, I hope so,

'cause I happen to love the guy.

First up for

Grand Lakes University...

Chas Osbourne...

former national

high school champion.

- Jason dive yet?

- Not yet. Did you pass?

I don't know.

They'll let me know.

Now diving

for Grand Lakes University...

Jason Melon.

Attaboy, Jason! You did it!

All right!

I can't believe it.

We could actually win this.

Melon's dive has put the Hooters

back in this meet.

What's the matter?

You're up next, Chas.

I have got

a really bad cramp.

I've been having

really bad cramps all week.

- It's probably menstrual.

- Screw you, Melon!

Coach Turnbull,

you got another eligible diver?

Melon!

Melon! We need ya!

Get your suit on!

Go ahead.

Oh, not a chance.

In the shape I'm in...

you could donate my body

to science fiction.

Get your suit on! We need ya!

Come on, pal.

Show 'em what you got.

Melon! We need ya!

Now diving in substitution

for Grand Lakes University...

Thornton Melon.

He's on my substitute roster...

but I don't have it right now.

But what I'll do is,

first chance I get...

I'll bring it to you.

What dive is he gonna do?

The Triple Lindy.

Melon! Melon! Melon!

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