Back to School Page #7

His parties usually are.

I'd love to come,

except for I have a date.

Oh. Well, hey, bring him along.

It's OK.

You just both come by.

I'll really try.

Good. I hope

I'll see you there.

It sounds like fun. I wish

my dad were more like yours.

Hey, Chas.

Good luck, buddy.

Let's get them.

Yeah. Thanks, Melon.

I'd wish you luck, too...

but I guess a guy like you

doesn't need luck.

What's that supposed to mean?

With your old man behind you...

I figured since he bought

your way onto the team...

he probably bought off

the judges, too.

Oh, there's Thornton.

Diane!

I can't imagine what you can

possibly see in that man.

Philip, would you excuse me

for a minute?

Yes, yes.

- You look great.

- Oh, thanks.

Where you been?

I called you a hundred times.

I made four dates

with your answering machine.

I'm sorry I missed you.

Things have been so hectic.

I've been reading midterm papers

and grading exams.

Did you read mine yet?

Not yet,

but I'm looking forward to it.

I'm throwing a party

in our room tonight...

and you better be there.

I'm sorry. I have a date

with Philip tonight.

Bring him along.

We may run out of ice.

First diver

for Grand Lakes University...

Chas Osbourne.

Hey, Coach! How are ya?

How you doin', huh?

Next diver for Grand Lakes...

Jason Melon.

Melon.

What's going on?

This is always

the best party of the year.

I don't know.

Some big event at the dorms.

- We're thinkin' of going over.

- To Melon's? Are you nuts?

Why don't we go?

Valerie, please.

It'll be horrible.

Jason said it would be great.

It might be fun.

Jason's a twerp. We could have

won if it weren't for him.

Haven't you ever messed up?

No.

I'm all dressed up

with nowhere to go

Hey, baby!

Walking with a dead man

over my shoulder

I'm all dressed up

with nowhere to go

I love three girls at once.

If I fall asleep,

they have each other to talk to.

Nice look.

What are you going for?

The heavy, disassociated

artist thing...

or the "I'm going blind" thing?

Oh, It's the deaf thing.

Maybe this will cheer you up.

Oh, do me!

Derek! Get up, will ya?

You look like the poster boy

for birth control.

Jason, it's a party.

What's your story?

What's the matter?

The swim meet?

Forget about it. It's history.

Come on, will ya? Snap into it!

You're right, Dad.

It doesn't matter, Dad!

Right, Dad?

Come on, party, right?

Hey, buddy!

Everybody, make some noise,

have some fun!

What's that noise?

It's a party, Philip.

Midterms, remember?

They're just blowing off steam.

You there.

What's going on here?

The Melon man is throwing

the greatest party of all time!

The whole world is there.

It's the best thing...

that's ever happened to me

in my whole life!

Oh, God.

Look at that!

Listen to that racket.

This is disgraceful.

I should phone security.

Oh, Philip.

Good. Apparently I'm not

the only one around here...

with a sense of decency.

Yeah. Cool!

Did you see...

where are you going?

Intellectual curiosity, Philip.

Sounds fun in there.

Come with me.

- Oh, please!

- Oh, Philip!

It's a dead man's party

Who could ask for more

Everybody's coming

Leave your body

at the door

Leave your body and soul

at the door

Don't run away

It's only me

Don't run away

It's only me, only me

Don't be afraid

Of what you can't see

Say when.

Right after this drink.

Hey, what's a bath

without Bubbles?

Hey, Bubbles,

come over here, will ya?

Well!

- Hi there.

- Hi!

- What's your favorite subject?

- Poetry.

Really? Maybe you can help me

straighten out my Longfellow.

Excuse me.

Have you seen Thornton Melon?

I think he's in there.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Has anyone seen Thornton Melon?

That's what I call

marine biology.

Diane!

Say hello to my nieces.

Wait a minute!

Jason? There you are.

I was looking all over for you.

Jason, are you OK?

I'm sorry about the swim meet.

Sh*t. Swim meet.

Jesus, you think I care

about the swim meet?

I mean, it's just

a stupid college game.

It's just bullshit.

Why are you acting like this?

I know you don't think

like that.

Oh, you do?

Grow up, Valerie.

You think this is real?

This isn't real.

College is a dream world.

This is something you do

to pass the time...

till you go out in the real

world and start buying people.

Let's go for a walk

and talk this out.

There you are.

Can we go? I'm bored.

Oh, Christ, Osbourne...

will you just get

your ass outta here?

What a surprise.

Another sh*t-faced Melon.

Do I gotta knock your teeth

down your throat?

Easy. Your father isn't here

to back you up this time.

Don't!

Are you OK?

Jason! I was lookin' for ya.

Hey, come here. Where ya goin'?

Where am I going?

I'm leaving school, Dad.

One of us has gotta go.

You're having such a great time.

I'm getting out.

Why? I don't get it.

Because you didn't win

the diving meet?

No, not because I didn't win!

Because I shouldn't

even have been there.

Chas told me

you bribed the coach...

to put me on the team.

Real good!

What? And you believed him.

I never lied to you in my life.

I didn't bribe the coach.

You were on the team

because you deserve it.

You made it on your own.

Dad, you don't get it.

Everything I have

is because of you...

and because of you...

I get my astronomy homework

done for me by NASA.

I just want the best for you.

That's all I ever wanted.

I did it all for you.

I know, but you don't know

when to quit.

I know you came here to help me,

and I really appreciate it...

and it's really sweet,

and it's really not working.

Can't you let me just do

something for myself?

I just want to see you happy.

Well, take a good look!

'Cause I was a lot happier

when I was miserable.

I enjoyed reading that, Susan.

It's a nice improvement.

Thank you.

Diane, why'd you fail me?

I didn't, Thornton.

You failed me.

- Is it because of last night?

- No. I can accept the fact...

that you're completely

regressed emotionally...

but you won't pass my course by

turning in someone else's work.

What do you think,

someone else wrote this?

All I know is that you didn't.

That's what disappoints me.

Whoever did write it...

doesn't know the first thing

about Kurt Vonnegut.

And another thing, Vonnegut.

I'm going to stop payment

on the check.

What's that? F*** me?

Kurt, do you read lips?

F*** you!

Next time

I'll call Robert Ludlum.

Derek, have you seen Jason?

I think he's on

a three-state killing spree.

Here's some more

potentially bad news.

Dean Martin wants to see you

in his office right away.

Dean Martin.

And she said, "Let's do it.

The room's already paid for."

Oh, golly.

I'm afraid we have...

a potentially unpleasant

situation on our hands here.

Phil, would you repeat

to Mr. Melon...

the allegations

that you've made to me?

It's clear the work you've

handed in is not your own.

I'm accusing you

of academic fraud.

Fraud is such an ugly word...

considering

the financial generosity...

that Mr. Melon has shown

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