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the feelings of being alive.

That was beautiful.

I understand

what you're saying, too.

I'm glad.

That makes me feel good.

I got an idea.

Let's keep talking over dinner.

I'm supposed to meet

someone for dinner.

I could cancel,

though, I guess.

We are working, after all.

You can't work

on an empty stomach.

You can't concentrate

when you're hungry.

Oh, I don't know.

I really shouldn't.

- I have so many things to do.

- Oh, come on. I'll help you.

I'll take out the garbage.

I'll do the dishes.

I'll do your nails.

I'll do your hair.

You have no idea

what I want to do.

- I'll call him.

- I'll dial it!

I'll just get the light.

I think I'm attracted

to teachers.

I took out an English teacher.

That didn't work out at all.

I sent her a love letter.

She corrected it.

Oh, great. Company.

- Those two ought to get a room.

- Really.

Actually,

I was married twice.

My first wife, Jason's mother,

I really loved her.

We had a good thing going,

you know?

She passed away

about ten years ago.

After that, I screwed around

for a few years.

Then I really went nuts...

I married Vanessa.

I was just lonely, I guess.

Is that over now?

We were doomed from the start.

I'm an earth sign,

she's a water sign.

Together, we made mud.

I picked a beauty.

And she played around, too.

When she said, "I do,"

I should have said, "With who?"

So, are you

giving up on women?

I don't know.

I can't figure women out.

Today, they're independent.

They only think

about themselves.

During sex, Vanessa used

to scream out her own name.

I think it's the men

who are different.

Ever since

the women's movement...

most of the men I meet

go out of their way...

to show you

how sensitive they are.

Before they were too macho,

and now they're too soft.

You all want us to know

you can cry.

No, with women,

I never cry. Never.

I beg.

If we finish

this bottle of wine...

you won't have to beg.

Diane!

Oh, Philip.

We were supposed

to go to dinner.

I just had dinner!

I don't believe this.

Maybe it's a dream.

Good night, Philip.

You do a good job.

What do you charge

for big cars?

I had a lot of fun, Thornton.

Me, too.

And thanks for the lesson.

I learned a lot.

You're welcome. I did, too.

Well...

Well, I guess

this is good night.

Yeah.

A very good night.

Beautiful.

Oh, that's it.

That's the spot.

Just keep doing that.

Oh, don't lose it.

Oh, Lou, you're great.

The leg is better.

You got the cramp out.

You're a wreck.

You gotta start working out.

And you know what else?

You have got midterms

coming up.

You haven't studied five minutes

since you got here.

You're always so neat.

You're just like

your Uncle Vito.

We were kids,

his room was always in order.

His towels lined up neatly...

combs, brushes, hair lotions

all in the right place.

What did it mean?

What is he today?

He's an attendant

in the men's room.

Hey, he's my idol.

But I'm not gonna be

folding towels anymore...

'cause I just made...

ta da... the diving team.

That's great!

I'm takin' you out.

We'll celebrate.

We're havin' a party!

Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice,

but I'm in training now.

We got a big meet coming up

against Northern.

We'll have a party

after the meet.

Dad, why don't you join me

on a little reality break, OK?

Just 'cause you're in love

with Dr. Turner...

does not mean you're

gonna pass her course.

You got a major paper

coming up on Kurt Vonnegut.

You haven't even read

any of the books.

I tried.

I don't understand

a word of it.

So, how you gonna

write the paper, then?

Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut.

I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

Want to come in? Dad?

I don't want to hear

one more word out of you...

or it's back to the tree.

Come in.

Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?

I'm Thornton Melon.

Oh, yes, Thornton Melon.

I know you.

You delivered the paper

on isomagnetic brain waves...

in Montreal last year.

No, I sold you your pants.

Oh, of course.

Good to see you.

What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to report here

for my lab project.

Oh, good. I'm trying to teach

these here apes...

how to read and write.

You ought to teach them

how to go to the bathroom.

You'll get used to that.

Now, all you have to do

is put a new tape...

in the tape machine every hour

and observe the animals.

I'll be back in a few hours

to check on you.

- OK, fine.

- All righty.

You don't need this.

I'll find you an organ grinder.

Hiya, Marge?

A few things.

I need you and the gang to get

down here as fast as you can.

And I have to talk to Peterson,

the accountant.

I'm gonna need him, too.

Oh, thanks.

And, Marge, I need...

See if you can get somebody

at the Rand Corporation...

or the Brookings Institute to

come down here for about a week.

What?

And Russell hits him

with a powerful front body slam!

No problem.

They're takin' a break,

that's all.

In 1971, the United States

accumulated deficits...

greater than the supply

of gold the country held.

In that year, Richard Nixon...

took the United States

off the gold standard.

In doing so, he disrupted...

the entire international

monetary system.

What is that clicking noise?

Are you a student

in this class?

No.

Who are you?

I'm Marge Sweetwater...

Mr. Thornton Melon's

private secretary.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.

He told you to write down

everything I say?

Yes, he did.

Good.

Take this down.

Mr. Melon,

no matter what you do...

no matter what stunts

you pull...

no matter how hard you try...

you will never, ever

pass this course.

Make sure he gets that.

Yes, sir.

I'll tell you what.

It's for Barbay.

Make it an "A."

Where's the lab report

on psychology?

Here.

It's too light.

It feels like a "C."

Bulk it up and add a few

multicolored graphs.

- Yo, Dad.

- Jason, hold it, will ya?

Listen, everybody.

Let's see "As" across the board.

I'll tell you what...

a ten percent bonus

for every grade over "B."

And an A+ gets you a free trip

to Hawaii... off-season.

- Dad, what's going on here?

- I'm doing my homework.

No, they're doing

your homework.

A good executive knows how

to delegate authority.

I took care of you, too.

- And what's this?

- Your astronomy report.

- What's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with you?

I want to write that paper.

I'm gonna write that paper.

That's why I'm taking astronomy,

to learn something!

You're never gonna learn

a goddamn thing...

if you got people

doing your work for you!

Oh, never mind.

Kids... they always do things

the hard way.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the visiting team...

the Northern University

Wildcats!

And your Grand Lakes

University Hooters!

- Hey, there's your boy!

- Jason!

While the teams are warming up,

we'd like to remind you...

that all proceeds

from the refreshment stands...

go to your student government.

Hey, Valerie. How you doin'?

Glad you could come. Listen.

My dad is having a party

tonight at the dorm...

and it should be pretty great.

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