Bad Hair Day Page #4

Is that true, you're a cop?

Yeah.

I mean, no. I'm on temporary sabbatical.

Indefinitely.

What happened?

Let's just stick to the mission, okay?

What is an ex-cop doing looking

for a piece of costume jewelry?

This is all getting really weird.

Then just give me the diamond.

The diamond?

You mean the fake diamond?

Yeah. Exactly, the fake.

Yes.

Hello, friend.

This is buzzing.

No. It was buzzing. But now it's stopped.

We gave up your spot.

What? No!

I literally came as fast as I could.

But now you have to wait

until this one buzzes.

I need a corn dog.

See what you did? See there?

I don't like that color either.

Just be quiet.

Listen.

No. No talking.

I'm going to sit there

and eat these corn dogs

and wait for that buzzer to buzz.

But if you would just... And you are

not going to speak or distract me

in any way or complicate

the situation, understood?

Understood?

Got it.

You need a moment...

and a corn dog.

Uh-uh.

No, no, no.

Uh-uh.

Oh, she doesn't like mustard.

Note to self.

Oh, come on.

Oh, snap.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Hey, Dad. Hey, kiddo.

I just wanted to check in on you.

You're doing okay?

Oh. I'm-I'm doing great.

Just great.

I talked to Faraja in radiology.

Now they don't have prom in her country,

but she said she had a couple of

dresses she thought might work.

And there's a big sale today

at Discount Warehouse of Shoes.

Thanks, Dad.

Those are...

good options.

Great. I'll be home by 6:00.

Okay, Dad. I love you.

Love you too. Tons, yo.

Yeah, no yo.

Yeah, just bye.

Discount Warehouse of Shoes?

Oh, I love that place.

No talking.

I have a question.

Oh, my goodness.

One question. It's one, little.

Go ahead.

You know your boyfriend, the soulless jerk

with the bedazzled letterman's jacket?

He's not soulless.

Right. He's full of soul. I forgot.

Okay, so let's say

hypothetically, um, I saw him

flirting with another girl, at say,

I don't know, a mall food court,

would you want me to tell you?

What?

He's supposed to be helping orphans.

Does that girl have parents?

Yes!

Then he's not doing that.

Kyle?

Oh. Monica.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Uh.

The orphans canceled.

Really?

The orphans canceled.

Yeah. They were just...

They were...

They were totally booked up today...

very busy doing orphan stuff.

Hi, Monica.

Nice hat.

Are you competing in a slalom later?

Or maybe going for a luge?

Kyle, how could you with her?

No, this... this isn't

what it looks like.

Okay, 'cause it looks

like my supposed boyfriend

is having a date with my arch rival.

Okay. That might technically

be somewhat accurate.

I am so sorry, Monica.

I know this must be really hard.

I mean, first I steal your man.

And then, tonight, I rob

you of the prom crown.

Ooh.

I... I think I'm going to be sick.

That guy is a classic vanity case.

I told you.

You know, he's probably got an emotionally

distant lawyer for a dad,

mom's, like an over-doter.

He just goes from girl to girl to girl.

Oh, wow.

This has affected you.

Okay.

Oh, she's crying.

Monica?

What?

Do you...

need a corn dog?

This is what happens

when you're not perfect.

What?

Is she here?

I'm so glad you're here.

It's going to be okay.

Don't worry. No, it's okay.

Should I...

Should I hug you?

This is...

Don't worry, we're gonna fix this.

It's just weird, okay.

You know what, I'm just

gonna hug from afar.

Okay, we're gonna put you back together.

Okay? Okay.

Okay, come.

You know, you are a strong, independent

woman and he is a shallow dirt bag.

Yeah, he's a dirt bag!

It was humiliating.

Everybody was watching.

Yeah, well, they just saw Ashley for

the desperate back-stabber she is.

He made a fool out of me in

front of all those people.

Don't worry, we're gonna fix this.

Wait. What is she doing now?

Kyle Timmins, on your feet.

What? Me? Undercover

mall security. Stand up.

All right, hold on a second.

Oh, you don't follow

directions very well, do you?

Hey, Kyle, meet table.

Table, this is Kyle. Oh, no.

What did I do?

Inappropriate use of hair products,

wearing jeans that make you look silly,

and we have an insider tip

that you may have shoplifted

hair loss products and a man girdle.

What? That's crazy!

I-I-I didn't

shoplift anything!

Especially not a man girdle!

I have a body mass index of like 4%.

Oh, and you're so humble too.

Put your hands behind your head.

Is this a joke?

My dad's a lawyer. I'll sue!

Oh, fancy pants words. You know what?

We have rules in this here mall.

Yeah, we do.

No disorderly or lewd behavior.

I saw what you and Miss Thing were doing

with those chili fries over there.

Disgusting. What? It's

illegal to eat chili fries?

Hey. I'm the one asking

the questions around here.

Now touch your nose.

What? Do it!

Touch your toes.

Stand up.

Walk in a straight line.

Stop, turn around.

Walk in a crooked line.

Stop, turn around.

Waddle like a duck.

Whoa! Sing "Rocky Top."

What? Do the Macarena.

I don't even know what that is!

Stop. Quiet.

Let's see what kind of incriminating

items are on your person.

That's right.

Looking in your bag.

Looking in your blue bag.

Looking in your blue bag...

Oh, zit cream.

Hmm, back hair remover.

That's for my sister!

Yeah, I've heard that one before.

That's a lame excuse, buddy.

Oh, self tanner.

Monica.

I ask you what self-respecting

male uses self-tanner?

It's been very cloudy!

Okay? I need to keep a base.

Okay. That does it, Kyle?

I'm gonna have to take you downtown.

To the Department of Imposters, of

fakes, of frauds, of wannabes...

I don't even think you're

really mall security.

Oh, I assure you I am.

No.

Actually, you're not.

So my priceless little diamond.

Where the devil are you hiding?

Any news on the Williamson case?

Hey, you, so here's the thing.

I'm wondering why you had to, like,

arrest me when I'm just like hanging out

in the food court at the mall.

It's because your security can't,

like, catch real criminals, right?

You are just too scared

of them, so you're like,

"Oh, hang out at the mall and

see if I can arrest Liz today."

Is that what happened? Sorry, Liz.

We'll try to expedite your case.

Yeah, expedite.

That's such a funny word, see.

I used to work here, people!

I know what "expedite" means!

We're gonna be here for hours.

Okay.

Hey, um... sorry about your boyfriend.

It's fine.

I'm not really sure I liked

him that much anyway.

So how does a smart girl like you

end up with a jerk like him?

I, uh...

I set up an online poll.

Right, of course you did.

That-That sounds, that sounds right.

You know, when I heard

the call on the radio,

I thought the suspect's description

was eerily similar to a

certain partner I once had.

How are you, Liz?

I'm so good, Adam. So glad you asked.

I've just been having a leisurely time off,

you know, going to the spa and such.

Can you please take

these handcuffs off of me?

What part of "under arrest"

do you not understand?

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