Bad Santa 2 Page #6

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- I'm gonna need a little more time.

Christ, am I the only one getting

anything done here tonight?

And I thought my family was f***ed.

Is he always this f***ing useless?

- Ow!

- Oh, call the medic!

Frosty the Snowman

Was a jolly happy soul

With a corn cob pipe and a button nose

And two eyes made of out coal

Frosty the Snowman

Is a fairy tale they say

He was made of snow

But the children know

How he came to life one day

For Frosty the Snowman

Had to hurry on...

- Do you know Willie?

- Willie? No.

- Who the hell is Willie?

- Can I ride the bicycle now?

Why the f*** were they at an AA meeting?

I don't know.

- Maybe he's an alcoholic.

- Brilliant insight, Dorfman.

No, I'm wondering why they were together.

I wanna know who he is.

Find out everything.

Schools, arrests, financials, meds.

Whatever's out there on this guy,

I wanna see it.

COPY-

Yeah, do I need to seduce that girl

myself to get that key?

Because I can. Wouldn't be the first time.

Please don't make me picture that.

I'm on it.

Well, you better be.

Or else I'll get her done.

I need full dossier on a Randall Cook.

Yes, I said "dossier."

I'm sorry. I was under the impression

that was the correct nomenclature.

"Nomenclature"

Fine! A file, then.

A**hole.

Everybody shake your ungh

Shake it to the left

Shake it to the right

Shake it to the east, baby

Shake it ail night

Shake it to the left

Shake it to the right

Shake it to the west, baby

Shake it all night

Move your feet

Come on

Shitstick! Let's go!

I got a side gig, just the two of us.

- I'm busy.

- I said get in the van.

I said I'm f***ing busy!

One f***ing thing I get to enjoy

and you sh*t on that too.

So I help field incoming calls

for the Santa appearances

and shows and whatnot,

so I snagged this one just for us.

Every year, these rich a**holes throw

this huge party to benefit the needy kids.

And this year, they requested

Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus.

So, while you're playing Santa,

I'm gonna clean these buggers out.

Hang on a second here.

I'm gonna spend my whole day

with a bunch of damn kids on my lap?

- I'm retired from that sh*t anyway.

- Give me that.

Give me that, you f***ing lush.

- I need you sharp.

- Goddamn it.

Dashing through the snow

In a one-horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

Ha ha ha

Bells on bobtails ring

Making spirits bright

Oh, what fun it is to ride

And sing these songs tonight

- Hey, keep those coming, will you?

- Mm-hmm.

Jingle all the way

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Seriously, you need to

give my bike back. Now.

Where are the cherry pop ladies?

Oh, Gina!

On, hey!

- You're not mad, are you?

- Mad? No. Because I get you.

You a woman of high standards,

- refined taste...

- What's up, girl?

- Ooh. You know what's up, playa.

I'm sorry, what?

What the hell are you looking at me

so funny for'?

Sorry, Santa. I had to go.

Oh, is that you?

I thought it was me.

Hey, Greta. Could you, uh, get me a rag

and a real drink, please?

Of course. I'll be right back.

Come on. Get out of here.

Put a f***ing diaper on.

- Hey, you're wet.

- No sh*t. What can I do for you?

Will you be able to find me

at my grandma's house in Grand Rapids?

Because no one's going to be

at our Chicago house for two weeks.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll find you.

But, hey, do Santy a favor, will you?

You know the address

of where you're not gonna be?

Write it down on a piece of paper

and bring it back to Santy, will you?

All right, honey. Good girl.

What do you want?

Want Minecraft, Halo 5 Guardians,

Rise of the Tomb Raider,

Project X Zone Two, Assassin's Creed

Chronicles Trilogy, As

Yeah, yeah. That's great, that's great.

I, I don't know.

- Call of Duty Black Ops III...

- I don't know what you're talking about.

I have no idea what that sh*t is.

You could be speaking f***ing Swahili

and I wouldn't know any better.

- Grand Theft Auto V.

- Nah, I don't care.

What can I get you?

A stuffed cow that moos

but doesn't poop.

- Some duct tape so I can build a boat.

- What?

A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop.

Some duct tape so I can build a boat.

Okay.

Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get you?

A penguin. It doesn't have to be alive.

- What's up, champ?

- I want a hand grenade.

Yeah, well, I want a hand release,

but you don't see me

holding my breath, do you?

- What's a hand release?

- It's kind of a compromise.

Anyway, Santy ain't no arms dealer,

so I can't help you out.

See you later.

Let's go.

"Oops!

Walk. Don't run!

That's quite a grip you got there.

What are you, a lumberjack?

- Shot put. Olympic alternate.

- Nice.

Hey, listen, can you kind of stay up

on the business end

and stay away from the nuts?

Maybe if you put your thumb up my ass?

No, I don't do that.

- Kiddums.

- Goddamn it. That's my mom.

- Time to get a move on,

- Ew. Your mom?

Yeah. Help me zip this sh*t.

What? Ugh.

Davis! Davis!

- Where's your friend at?

- I ain't got any f***ing friends!

Hey, watch your language.

Why don't I watch my dick go in and out

of your wife's p*ssy lips while I'm at it?

Oh, yeah? Well, joke's on you

because my wife died six months ago. Boom!

Like that will f***ing stop me?

Rigor mortis just make the p*ssy tighter.

Oh. Where's Cook?

You see that?

Huh? Yeah.

- We still got it, kid.

- Yeah, I guess so.

It was always supposed

to be this way, William.

You, me. Before I f***ed it all up.

But even when I was in the joint,

I thought of you.

And I always had a drink

on your birthday... January third.

- Seventh.

- August fourth.

- Fourth?

And August. Yeah.

Well, f*** a duck.

Anyway, uh, the point is that I miss this.

Just think of the damage we could do.

Just the two of us. All the time.

Hey. You know what? I got you a gift.

You never got me a gift

in my entire f***ing life.

Well, boohoo.

You think it was raining presents

in my backyard when I was a kid?

Look, I'm trying to make up

for lost time here.

- You know, be a better...

- Parent?

Yeah. I found this in the bedside table.

Think fast.

The f***?

- Don't do that.

- Oh, that's for me.

Shut up.

Pew-pew.

- Don't touch me with the f***ing thing.

No, seriously. I did get you a gift.

- I want you to have this.

- What the f***'s that for?

The midget. He tried to kill you once.

I'm not gonna give him a second chance.

- I think he knows better by now, okay?

- Hey, hey, hey.

You're my shitstick. And nobody's

gonna mess with you on my watch.

I'm fine.

We gotta get rid of this van and split up.

- Hey, pull over right here.

- What for?

Just f***ing pull over, okay?

Okay, just wait right here.

Keep it running.

Be right back.

Wow,

Okay, go, go, go, go, go!

- Hey! Hey! Open the door!

F***!

- What you got?

Here, drink this.

- You sweet little muskrat.

- Don't get all choked up.

I'm just tired of that f***ing coughing.

Ahhh.

- I hadn't gotten 'tussed up in a while.

- Yeah.

Nothing but an old address

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