Bad Santa 2 Page #7

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somewhere outside Albany.

- Nothing else? Sh*t.

- The guy's a ghost.

Okay, call Detective O'Neill

at Precinct 12.

- Have him run a facial rec.

- F*** yeah. Facial rec.

- That's a level-nine surveillance.

- Yeah.

Yes! Oh! Oh!

- Don't hold back.

- Don't hold back?

What do you want, a f***ing jackhammer?

Goddamn, I nearly broke my f***ing pelvis.

No, I mean hurry up and cum.

I can hear someone.

Call me "Santa."

Fine.

- F*** me, Santa.

- Louder.

- F*** me, Santa!

- There you go.

F*** me, Santa! F*** me, Santa!

F*** me, Santa!

F*** me, Santa! F*** me, Santa!

F*** me, Santa!

F*** me, Santa!

F*** me, Santa! F*** me, Santa!

- No, more.

- Oh, f*** me, Santa!

F*** me, Santa!

F*** me, Santa!

Oh.

Merry f***ing Christmas.

- All right, then.

- That also...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, I know!

Uh, it never happened. I get it.

Um, I ain't exactly what you call

the romantic type, you know.

I don't go in for all the sappy sh*t.

But, um, I gotta tell you,

you got gigantic titties.

- And that's no sh*t.

- Um... thanks?

No sweat.

See you.

F***.

- This better be an emergency.

- Willie, where are you?

I'm in Chicago,

but I can't find you anywhere.

Wait, hang on a second.

What are you doing in f***ing Chicago?

I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.

The best Christmas gifts

are always a surprise.

Are you off of your goddamn nut?

Is that what you do?

You follow people

all the way across the f***ing country?

Not everyone. Just you.

- Are you surprised?

- No, this sh*t happens every day.

- It does?

- No. On what f***ing planet?

Never mind.

What the f*** are you doing?

Uh, Willie, it's really cold here.

I didn't bring a coat. Only my gloves.

Goddamn it.

You gotta be shitting me.

Do you got a pencil

or some sh*t to write on?

Who is it?

- Who the f*** are you?

- Grandma Willie!

And Willie was in such a hurry

to get me my elephant

that I guess he forgot to pay for it.

And that made the policemen really mad.

So they followed him back to the house.

And Willie ran really fast

and he almost got to the door,

but then they shot him

like eight times in the back.

In the cowboy movies,

they say that's not even fair.

And this is the first present

Willie ever got me for Christmas.

With his blood.

- Willie, you're home!

- Goddamn, kid. Watch the spine bone.

I was just telling your mom

how you're a hero.

Yeah, yeah. Hang on a second.

You didn't bring a f***ing coat,

but you brought that elephant?

- You didn't tell me to bring a coat.

- I didn't tell you to come.

- Is this your spawn?

- Do I look like I made him?

Well, if this ain't

fetal alcohol syndrome,

then what the f*** is it?

- He keeps trying to make me a sandwich.

- That's what he does.

- Elf!

Hey! You get that key?

You got smaller.

What the... Am I tripping?

You might be, because,

you know, certain p*ssy

has hallucinogenic aftereffects

if you eat too much of it.

I found out the hard way once

when I messed with my own kind.

One time, I ate too much turkey bacon,

I didn't poop for two weeks.

For four weeks.

- The key, shorty.

- Okay, first of all, f*** you!

See that? I told you.

I knew he didn't have it in him.

And second of all,

what in the f*** is he doing here?

- That is not how you serve a sandwich.

- Willie.

I'm working on it, okay?

Hey, kid, listen.

This is really not the right place

for you to be, okay?

Because there's not enough beds?

I only counted one, plus a couch-.

- Exactly.

- You should get bunk beds, Willie.

Yeah, maybe we'll do that.

But, uh, in the meantime,

let's you and me head out, all right?

Bye, Elf. Bye, Willie's mom.

My mom's in Jesus' house with Mary

and Joseph and the talking walnut.

- You 100 percent sure he's not yours?

- Yeah.

Well, then, cut him loose.

Set some boundaries, for chrissake.

You can't have every stray

following you around like a lost puppy.

- Jesus!

- I said I'm going, okay'?

Can we get a Chicago pizza?

It's like pizza, but in Chicago.

Yeah, we'll get a pizza. No sweat.

This is really fun, Willie.

I didn't even know you had a mom.

- What'd you think? I was just hatched?

- Well, where were you born?

I was born in the Pulaski County Juvenile

Detention Center in Little Rock, Arkansas.

- Oh, that sounds really nice.

- Well, it wasn't nice.

And she's a mean f***ing b*tch,

so don't go getting any ideas, all right?

Well, sometimes you're not nice.

But you're still Santa.

Listen kid, seriously.

You're all grown-up and sh*t now, okay?

- You gotta stop that.

- Well, I know you're not the Santa.

But you're still my Santa.

Come on. Let's go.

F***.

F***! F***ing p*ssy!

Look at all the Santas!

I really get to stay here?

Goddamn right.

So how long is the kid staying here?

Hell if I know,

I ain't his f***ing secretary.

- You run the joint.

- Cook, you crack me up.

I what?

Boarding room's downstairs on the left.

Any bed that's not taken.

Alrighty, here we go.

Now listen,

don't be sitting on any toilet seats.

If you gotta take a sh*t

just stand over it, couple of feet away,

take aim and blow it in there.

'Cause I'm pretty sure crabs can jump.

All right'?

Don't let anybody muscle up on you

in the showers either,

because they'll try.

And if a fight breaks out, go straight

for the nuts or gouge an eye out.

I don't think I like it here, Willie.

Then you should go home,

like I told you to start with.

But it's not home if there's nobody there.

What about Granny?

I'm sure she misses you.

- She died.

- When?

Two years ago.

Same day as the President's Day sale

at Blue Mesa Toyota and Scion

where they put the "whee" in wheels.

Well, Granny had a good run.

She was about

150 f***ing years old, anyway.

Look at this, this is not so bad.

Look, you got bunk beds.

Look at that.

Ow! Goddamn, kid! F***!

- Will we have Christmas together?

- F***, I don't know.

- But, Willie...

- No "but, Willie." Goddamn it!

I've been chasing your ass off

ever since I f***ing met you.

Do you not take a hint?

I f***ing told you that I ain't that guy.

Life sucks a big, giant dick, kid.

But you're a f***ing man now

and you gotta face up to it.

Welcome to the sh*t show.

- But you're my family.

- No, I'm not yourfamily.

- Okay. I'll try to be a man. For you.

- No, not for me. For you.

- Even though I'm all alone.

- You're not all alone.

Are you shitting me?

I mean, look around here.

You got all these great guys.

Except that one jerking off over there.

And that one watching him jerk off.

You know what, just kind of stay

in this section right here, okay?

You'll be fine.

Hey.

- Where the hell have you been?

- What are you, my f***ing mother?

I've been dealing with the kid, all right?

Oh, well, don't lose your focus.

We still need that key.

I tried seducing the girl myself

but she's strictly dickly.

Concert's tomorrow night.

So you better step up, buddy boy.

I thought the midget was doing it.

Marcus couldn't f*** his way out

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