Bad Santa 2 Page #8

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of a wet paper bag.

I'll make sure she knows you got

the hots for her.

- Really?

- That's what he told me.

Oh, here he comes.

Of course you may have to make

the first move,

- because he seems like the shy type.

- Okay.

Hey. We still good for tomorrow? The plan.

- Cutting her out after the grab. Right?

- Yeah, yeah. We're good.

Come on, shitstick.

Bring it on home to Mama.

Goddamn.

I just can't wait till Christmas day

My favorite time of the year

Hey, Cook!

Hey, Cook!

Mind if join you?

It's okay to like what you see.

I like what I see.

Oh, yes!

Oh, oh, yes!

Oh, oh, yes! Yes, oh, come get there.

Oh, God! Oh, make Mama cum.

Don't say "Mama." No mom stuff!

You don't stop till I say stop!

- Okay, flip over.

- Fine. Bring it.

Are you washing your f***ing hands

right now?

No.

Oh, wait, wait. That's not my... Huh.

On, my God!

Oh, my God! That feels amazing! Holy sh*t!

Harder!

Harder! Yes!

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night

- Holy night

- Oh, my gosh.

You guys are really good at singing.

I like to sing in the bathtub.

I'm a soprano. My friend Ronnie says

I sound like Mariah Carey.

- Hello. What's your name?

- I'm Thurman. Thurman Merman.

For real? Ha!

Would you like to join us, Thurman?

This looks like it might fit.

- I get to wear this?

- Of course you do.

You're a Santa now, Thurman.

Go ahead, put it on.

It's got a lot of paper trash in it,

so I think it should be a light landing

for both of you. Okay?

So..

Where the f*** have you been? We gotta

lock everything down for tomorrow.

That's my boy!

- Sh*t. How'd you get that?

- He tapped that security girl.

Ha-ha. Very funny.

Wait... for real'?

I didn't exactly have to talk her into it.

She was wetter than Lake Michigan.

Matter of fact, I think she roofied me.

Ah, rohypnol.

Excellent icebreaker.

Of course, it's harder for the girl

because she's gotta get off

- before the drugs soften the noodle.

- Yeah.

Ya! You no good motherf***er!

- What the f***?

- You...

- God!

- Get off of him!

Hey! Get off of him you little sh*t!

- I'll kill your ass!

- Let go of me!

- Motherf***er!

- Get off of him!

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

Hey, goddamn p*ssy!

You motherf***er!

Just get off of him. Hey!

Goddamn it!

- Ow!

Goddamn!

My first shot at a good piece of ass

after nearly ten years

and you gotta go

and take a dump on that too.

- F*** you!

- It was just business.

You just ruined

a perfectly good piece of p*ssy

with that diseased-ass dick of yours.

I'm glad I tea-bagged your drunk ass,

you f***ing piece-of-sh*t motherf***er!

Would you get it together?

Tomorrow is go time.

- I need some air.

Now, see? Who the f*** does he think

he is talking to you that way?

- That's it. We're cutting him out.

- What? F*** no.

I mean, he's just steamed a little bit.

He'll be fine.

Okay, you wanna share

half of your take with him?

- Be my guest.

- You know, I don'! f***ing get you.

I mean, you're the one

that brought that little sh*t in.

No, shitstick. I brought you in.

You're the safe cracker.

He can't even crack his own ass.

F*** that.

We're going to Mexico.

It's loaded now.

You're good to go.

You did this whole f***ing thing

just to have me to go

to sh*t-ass Mexico with you?

I just thought it might be fun to spend

Christmas with the only family I got left.

- Why's that such a surprise?

- Well...

You know, they'd grant Charles Manson

f***ing parole if it wasn't for one thing.

- He's Charles Manson.

- I get it.

Maybe I don't blame you.

But things change at the end of the road.

Willie?

- Willie, you in there?

- Get rid of him.

- Is this an emergency?

- No.

I just wanted to invite you

to the Christmas concert tomorrow, Willie.

I'm singing in the choir.

We're doing all the Christmas carols,

"Silent Night," "Deck the Halls,"

"Jingle Bells," "Veni, Veni, Emmanuel."

That one's in Latin.

I know you're busy, but it's only for

an hour and all the parents are coming.

And I know you're not my real family,

but when you don't have real family,

then you have to make a new one.

And it's actually better

because then you get to pick the people

who are in your family.

And you're the family I picked.

And that's why I followed you to Chicago.

Because I didn't want you

to spend Christmas alone.

So can you come? And then maybe

after we can go to SantaCon or...

I, I can't. I can't come.

- Look, I'll try to make it. Okay?

- Okay. I'll look for you, Willie.

I'll look for you

and I'll wave like this. Okay'?

Yeah. Okay, All right. Good deal.

- All right. I'll see you.

- Bye, Willie.

What are you, the f***ing FBI?

That place is gonna be crowded.

He won't even know I'm not there.

- Good.

- Good night, Elf!

For a minute there,

I thought you were going soft.

I hate your guts, motherf***er.

But business is business.

Let's do this.

- Hi, thank you so much for coming.

- Okay?

- You look gorgeous.

- Amazing. Hi, good to see you.

- Time?

- Concert starts in five.

As you know,

Christmas is a time for giving.

And we want to thank you all

for being here tonight.

All right, let's sync them up, boys.

At 7:
45, the power goes down.

That's on me.

You got ten minutes to get

to Regent's office, crack that safe,

grab the money,

throw it down the garbage chute

and then get the hell out of there

before anybody knows what's hit them.

Now please join me in welcoming

the Giving City Children's Choir.

And without further ado, I would like

to introduce our choirmaster, Renee.

You got a match? Well, send it over!

Now we're gonna get this party started

with an old favorite.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa la la la la la la la la

Sing we joyous all together

Fa la la la la la la la la

Heed/ass of the wind and weather

Fa la la la la la la la la

Fa la la la la la la la la

La la la

- This is all your handiwork.

- Huh?

The money you helped us raise,

it gave Christmas to these kids.

You're part of the family now.

Hmm.

Ugh! Boring.

Ooh, no teeth' That's hot.

Oh'

Oh, yeah. Who's got the p*ssy lips now,

motherf***er?

- I never gave you this.

- Thank you. Thank you.

Room 523.

I'd like to call to the stage now

a very special member of our choir.

Please say hello to Thurman Merman.

Thurman?

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

'Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night

Holy night

Shepherds quake at the sight

Glories stream from heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing hallelujah

Christ the savior is born

Christ the savior is born

Find them. All of them!

Go! Go, go, go, go!

Gina, check the security cameras.

Copy, checking.

Oh, sh*t!

- Three minutes, Willie, come on!

- Shut the f*** up! I can't hear.

Just hurry your ass!

What the hell is this?

Wait, bring up my office,

I wanna see the safe.

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