Bad Words Page #4

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The noctivagant alley cat

kept the entire

neighborhood up all night

by sitting on a fence, yowling

out to her many suitors.

Noctivagant.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Okay. Noctivagant.

N-O-C-.

T-I-V-I-G-A-N-T.

Noctivagant.

(DINGS)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(GROANS)

PETE:
Well, we have

our first elimination

of the tournament.

I'll be right back.

DR. BOWMAN:
Yes, and

surprisingly early, too.

PETE:
Next up

is Mr. Guy Trilby.

He's 40 years old,

lives in Columbus, Ohio.

Clearly, Mr. Trilby

has found a loophole

in your rules of entry

and is exploiting it.

Needless to say, this

is beyond unfortunate.

My staff and I are making

all the efforts necessary

to rectify the problem

for the tournaments in

the years that follow.

With that addressed,

on with the competition.

And the man himself, Guy Trilby.

My turn.

Frabjous.

F-R-A-B-J-O-U-S.

That is correct.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

(CROWD CLAMORING) DEAGAN: Thank you.

That's enough!

Listen! Listen!

We are doing all we can

to find a happy resolution

to this situation.

PETAL:
Aren't you

embarrassed?

This is gonna go down in history

as the most ridiculous

spelling bee ever!

And it's gonna be on your head!

He's a grown man!

Do you know how much money I've

spent on goddamned coaches?

I'm sure it's a lot.

A ton! He's a lunatic!

Yes, he is.

So fix it!

Or I swear on my child's life,

with God as my witness,

this will be the last year

you're the director of this bee.

DEAGAN:
All right,

there's no need for threats.

Now, if you can all

please just leave my office,

I can assure you this matter

is in very capable hands.

Now, keep in mind Mr. Trilby doesn't

have the discipline and practice

that all of your children have.

He's made it through

the first round.

But Dr. Bowman and I

are extremely confident

he's not going to

make it much farther.

And I also swear on

your children's lives,

if he makes it to

the final round,

I'll step down as director of

the bee immediately. Good day.

(CHATTER ON TV)

I'll jump in your shower

as soon as this buzz kicks in.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

What's the grammatical

significance of the sentence,

"Why run from fire ants?"

Is this a test?

No. it's just...

I was wondering

what the grammatical

significance of

that sentence was.

"Why run from

fire ants?"

Ah, well,

every vowel is in there.

Starting with the going to the

Right? It's backwards.

I guess it's easy

for a sentence.

I wish there was one word that

had all the vowels in it.

But in alphabetical order.

Facetious.

Son of a b*tch.

I got it?

You're brilliant.

Give me another one.

You're a genius.

These questions are from a test

that they give to geniuses.

I got hold of your school

records, Guy Trilby,

and your 8th grade counselor

made a note on your file

just before you dropped out...

Let me see that.

Saying that you showed

signs of being a genius.

FedEx was waiting for me when I got here.

I told you I was good.

Mr. Leavenworth,

what a dick eater.

He told me I was

a useless loser,

and then he makes secret notes

saying that he thinks I'm smart?

I'm glad I stole his

bike and shaved his cat.

You just never had a chance

to shine in this school.

You just never had

a chance to realize it.

I had a shitty upbringing.

My dad wasn't around.

It goes on and on and on. Who

skated through their adolescence?

Where was your father?

I don't know.

You got somethin' there?

Where's your pen?

Maybe he was brilliant.

Maybe your mom was.

Because they say that

sometimes that brilliance

and photographic memory,

which you have, are inherited.

It didn't come from Mom. She hated

everything to do with education.

This one time when I was a kid,

I tried to get in this local

spelling bee, ironically enough,

and she burned my

favorite dictionary.

Is that why you're here?

A chance to do something

that you weren't able to

do while she was alive?

Are we in interview

mode now? Come on.

You can't just have

a normal conversation.

You've gotta turn everything

into the interview.

I'm a reporter.

So, can't you talk, too?

(GROANS) You know what?

You have problems, Guy Trilby.

You're a shrink, too? Right? A

shrink on top of being a reporter?

I don't know how

you cram it all in.

And you're the one

with the problem.

You have to be blindfolded to get off.

That's a problem.

Oh! Well, don't worry

about that, Guy!

Because that's never

gonna happen again!

Great.

Oh!

Yeah, great!

You promise?

I wouldn't let you near my vagina

again if you paid me $1 million!

(SHOWER RUNNING)

JENNY:
Don't look at me!

GUY:
Yeah...

Can you be quiet?

Your voice eats hard-ans.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

really. Let me apologize.

Okay. Oh! Okay!

You are sorry.

That's generous.

Uh-huh?

Uh-huh!

Hang on.

This make it easier?

Hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on.

I'm gonna hold still.

That makes it easier, right'?

Don't look at me. I get it. I get it.

Don't look at me.

Did you get locked out?

I was wondering if

you wanted to grab

some alimentation

for our hyperphagia.

I'm hungry.

Oh, I just got pretty hungry myself.

Sure, let's go for it.

Can't believe you

can't find any other

pre-masturbators

to hang out with.

The place is crawlin' with them.

CHAITANYA:
You know, you can actually

study for the spelling bee anywhere.

Thank you.

Is that right?

Try spelling "rigatoni"

without looking.

I don't want to.

I don't need to study.

You need to study

because I'm gonna

slaughter you like a sacred cow.

Not everything is about winning.

No, that's true. Closure

is pretty nice, too.

To me, it's about fun.

You probably deserve a

little bit better than that.

Excuse me.

I'm the mother of one of the

competitors competing here.

Okay.

What you're doing

is an insult to

every honest child

that's worked so hard to

be here, including my son.

I've worked very, very

hard to get here, too,

madam, and I'm

well within the rules.

(CHUCKLES) You're an a**hole.

That's all.

That's a child.

Yes.

And I'm sure he's heard

even worse from you.

I don't speak like

that in front of him.

(LAUGHS) Oh, is that right?

Yes, that's right.

So why don't you

take your potty mouth,

go locate your

pre-teen cocksucker son,

and stuff him back up that old,

blown-out sweat

sock of a vagina

and scoot off to whatever

sh*t-kicking town you came from.

Can you do that for me?

Like an elephants

trunk, I'll bet.

Gray and distended.

Wow.

Good night.

Good day.

Thank you.

Mothers.

Let's get out of

this restaurant.

It's a little depressing,

don't you think?

My dad doesn't ever allow

me to leave the hotel.

Daddy's not here, and he sounds

like he could be an a**hole,

so let's not listen to him. Let's go

find you some real fun. Side door.

(SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)

(INAUDIBLE)

JEREMY:
I'm glad I was in

town to catch your call.

You look really, really good.

I appreciate that

I've been stayin' away from sugar.

Cold turkey.

Wow. Do you feel

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