Bad Words Page #5

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as good as you look?

Are you happy? How's federal

agent life treating you'?

You know, it's not as

fun as it used to be.

Yeah, I kind of miss you digging

around where you shouldn't be.

(CHUCKLES) on...

Yeah. Yeah.

So there you go.

That's one background

check on one Guy Trilby.

Thank you.

Is this for

a story or something?

Something good?

(GROANS)

Did you do this

background run yourself?

Of course I did.

What kind of a guy repays

a favor by delegating it?

I did ii.

Wow.

This is incredible.

Thank you so much.

So is that it?

Oh, yeah.

This is huge.

That's a relief.

I'll tell you,

this has been hangin'

over my head for years,

and I'm the kind of guy, I like

to keep a debt-free lifestyle.

Well, consider yourself

free and clear. Yeah.

I just expected to have to

do so much more, you know'?

It seems like it's not enough.

No.

You saved my ass, my career.

Well...

Feel like I'm gettin' off easy.

No.

You know, you did me a solid.

No, we're square.

You don't want anything

more in return?

Uh-uh.

You don't want anything...

Solid...

In return?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

No.

Are you familiar with the phrase

"Eatin' ain't cheatin?"

Thanks so much, Jeremy.

It's a popular phrase.

(CLEARS THROAT)

GUY:
Aren't these

fries incredible?

And was I right about the chili?

CHAITANYA:
Love it.

You might want to slow down

a little bit, Slummy.

Looks like you got into

the wrong dude's ass. Here.

Ha!

Funny.

You look like there was a person

who pooped their underwear,

then you used it for

a bank robber mask.

Then you threw the

pooped underwear away

and forgot to wash your face.

You shouldn't insult people.

You're no good at ii.

This soda pop is so delicious.

Then just say "soda." Otherwise

you're gonna get raped.

I like having you as a friend.

Thanks.

Although I'm not your friend.

You got friends.

I'm four times your age.

I really don't have any friends.

I thought being good in

spelling would get me friends,

but kids just

make fun of me more.

Well, who needs them?

You've got Todd, right?

And you' too, maybe, huh?

No. Buddy, I work alone.

Always have.

My mom always kept me

running around with her,

avoiding rent.

I never gathered

a bunch of friends, so...

And it's fine. It's good.

You'll be all right.

What's that?

I borrowed it when we

borrowed the lobster.

Really?

Let me see it.

Your fingers get a little sticky

when you get all boozed up.

(CHUCKLES)

Toys are fun to have when you

can't play with other kids.

That's true.

What was your favorite toy

when you were a kid?

Well, I did love a little toy

car once, kind of like this.

It was a shitty little

black-and-white police car.

Never left my pocket.

Then I lost it

one night, I think.

I don't know. I must have

dropped it or somethin'

and I never saw it again.

Had a little Kojak

light right on top.

Right there,

a little single bubble.

Chasm' dawn bad guys.

(IMITATES TIRES SQUEALING)

(IMITATES POLICE SIREN)

All right. So

you're a little thief,

and you don't have any friends.

You sound like a real loser.

I'll bet you crush ass,

though, right?

Make up for it with the women?

No.

No girlfriend for you?

You can't find one little

chicken tikka to get your

shrimp tandoori all up in?

Nope. But when

I do get one,

it's going to be

a girl with nipples.

Is that right? Well, lucky for

you, they all have nipples, pal.

Every girl does

not have nipples. No.

They do.

No, they don't.

Buddy, I promise you, they do.

They don't.

All right. I don't

know how I missed that.

You look at their shirts.

On some you can see the little

nipples poking through the shirts.

On others, nothing.

Oh, I see. I got it.

Buddy' you're in bad shape.

You know what? I'm gonna

do you a favor. Come on.

Let's go. You done here?

Where are we going?

Just come on. Let's go.

If my dad had been around,

this is something wish

he'd have done with me.

I hope it's not a workout.

I hope it's a sundae.

Yea h. It's not.

A dessert would follow that

chili dog really well.

No ice cream, pal.

Hey!

(WHISTLES)

Slumdog, I want you to meet Marzipan.

Marzipan, Slumdog.

Hi.

You said he was 16.

Yeah, he is 16. He's got a

hydro-thyroid retentional problem.

Remember

Gary Coleman? Right?

God rest his sweet, funny soul.

Amen. Okay, let's do this. Chaiwalla,

all I can say is, "You're welcome."

For what?

Hit it.

Three, four, five,

six, seven, eight,

nine...

Can you bang it?

Ten.

Nice?

Huh?

Good, right?

No tip?

No tip.

A**hole.

Don't ask me for my last 10, Marzipan,

and then expect me to tip you.

There's your tip.

Bye, sweetie. Good luck

with your glands and sh*t.

Thank you.

Wasn't that good?

I lied to her.

I still have a couple bucks.

Want to get the ice cream now?

F*** the ice cream.

How much to touch 'em?

I don't know.

Which way did she go? She turn right'?

Let's go ask her.

Marzipan!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(DOORS OPEN)

GUY:
That might be true, but I

still think a person your age

should be carrying at least

a dollar in his pocket,

and if you had, that would

have been the difference.

Would've gotten yourself

a little bit of skin.

But it was still

the best time of my life.

Are we friends now?

(LOCK BEEPS)

(DOOR CLOSES) Cool.

(LOCK BEEPS)

I'd like it if you could

just block out a little

private time for me

after today's round.

If you don't mind.

You saying you want to

come over and f*** off again?

No, that's not

what I'm... (SIGHS)

You want to look

for your underwear?

Just give me 10 minutes.

Guy, I wanted to give you something

before the round starts.

A little Wite-Out and a Lego

piece, and you got your car back.

Thanks, buddy.

But I'm still gonna

totally bust your nut.

(CHUCKLES) I don't think

you mean to say that.

I do.

No, say you're

gonna kick my ass.

Okay. Thai.

All right.

See you there.

See you there.

What was that about?

I don't know.

Kids are weird.

DIRECTOR:
Stand by in

five, four, three, two...

PETE:
Welcome, America,

to round two of

the Golden Quill

National Spelling Bee.

It is a point where, sadly,

many have already gone home.

But the fighting spirit remains

for those who have survived.

And that number is 30.

Thirty brave, determined

competitors who are here...

Here are this round's words.

And let's remember, this

competition is in English,

not "marble mouth."

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

PROCTOR:
Rhapsodize.

CONTESTANT:
Rhapsodize.

Rhapsodize.

Rhapsodize.

Rhapsodize.

Joyce?

Wondering if that's your hair

clip or somethin' over there?

Where? Underneath that

seat right there.

Can you see it?

It's certainly not mine.

I just don't want you to lose

something that might cost...

There you go.

Give it a look.

GUY:
My behavior was

ridiculous, at best.

Pm incredibly

lucky that I wasn't

beaten to death by the parents.

There's nothing down there.

Not that I can see.

GUY:
Or their children.

That's a big

"never mind" now, okay?

I want you to get

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