Bad Words Page #6

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ready to get super-happy.

We've got a celebration

on our hands.

What are you talking about?

It seems that your friend

has finally come to town.

My what?

Yeah.

Somebody's a woman today.

I don't know what

you're saying to me.

When you got up, I saw

your adulthood.

Adulthood?

(CONTESTANT AND PROCTOR

SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Congratulations.

You must be vibrating.

That's so exciting.

But you can celebrate later.

Right now you've got a tournament to win.

You've got words to spell.

Even though your

situation might not be

very camera-friendly,

screw them.

You get up there

and you take this tournament.

You take what's yours.

You've got a long walk to

make up thereto excellence.

Unfortunately,

it is all the way up there.

PROCTOR:
That is correct.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

PETE:
Next up is Joyce Sacks.

She's from...

Oh, man.

I know. I know. God, so many people

watching, and you're up next.

I wish I had a sweatshirt

to give you, but I don't.

So instead I want you

to just keep thinking,

"These are not light pants.

These are not light pants."

You just keep

saying it to yourself.

Competitor 1124?

That's you. "These are not

light pants." You can do it.

Competitor 1124?

Clearly we have a case of stage

fright brewing in the back row.

MOTHER:
Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

Mama, I can't.

No, baby girl.

JOYCE:
I can't do it.

I don't blame you.

Looks like a super-heavy flow.

Competitor 1124, you must make

your way to the microphone now

or be disqualified.

Why don't you try to do

a hop-scoot with your chair?

Just grab both sides of it

and you just kind of...

I can't do this!

She's gone. There she goes.

She made it this far, though.

PETE:
Clearly the pressure

was just too much for her.

I hope she'll be all right.

DR. BOWMAN:
Yes,

the tournament does create

a natural selection,

does it not?

Pruning of the weak.

GUY:
Lend her your jacket!

Allowing the strong

to blossom...

It's so tough.

It's tough.

Reach for the sky.

They'll be good.

Oh, dear.

GUY:
Is that my word'?

That's two words.

Um...

Is "Um" the word? I'd be

guessing at the "M's."

What's going on?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Floccinaucinihilipilification.

PETE:
Good gracious.

That word is longer

than most sentences.

Can you repeat it

one more time, please?

PROCTOR:
Floccinaucini...

DR. BOWMAN:
As a professor

of linguistics,

I can tell you with

the utmost confidence

that a true

orthographic enthusiast

wouldn't flinch at

such a challenge.

F-L-O-C-C-

I-N-A-U-

C-I-N-l.

H-I-L-I-

P-I-L-I-

F-I-C-A-T-l-O-N.

Correct.

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Nougat.

N-O-U-G-A-T. Nougat.

"PROCTOR". incriminate.

CONTEST ANT:

The root origin, please?

PROCTOR:
Hagridden.

CONTESTANT; H-A-G-R-I-

T-T-O-N.

(BELL tunes) (AUDIENCE SIGHING)

PROCTOR:

Antidisestablishmentarianism.

A-N-T-l-D-I-S-E-S-T-

A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-

A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M.

PROCTOR:
Correct.

PROCTOR:
Asterisk.

(BELL runes)

Meticulous.

(BELL DINGS)

Conjecture.

(BELL DINGS)

Pertinacious.

P-E-R-T-I-N-A-C-I-O-U-S.

Correct.

(BELL DINGING)

Sauerkraut (BELL DINGS)

lmmunoeiecirophoresis.

I-M-M-U-N-O-E-L-E-C-T-R-O-

P-H-O-R-E-S-I-S.

PROCTOR:
That is correct.

(CROWD CLAMORING) DEAGAN:

Obviously, I'm not going to resign.

That would leave

the bee rudderless.

MAN:
Oh, bullshit!

DEAGAN:
Everyone, please.

I know what I said. I... There is...

If you will all...

Yes, lam the most qualified

person for this position.

Pardon me!

Yes?

We just completed the

standard competition review.

Guy Trilby didn't get

those words by accident.

It appears the

randomized word list

was purposefully

manipulated by you.

You tampered with this.

And I, in good conscience,

cannot allow such an abuse of

your position to go unnoticed.

And it didn't even stop him.

PROCTOR'. True,

but that's not really

the point, now, is it?

He may be unlikable,

but he's a contestant,

all the same.

And all contestants

deserve a fair chance.

And it didn't even stop him.

God damn it!

(CROWD MURMURING)

You're done.

Did I enunciate

that clearly enough?

(ALL SHOUTING)

INGRID:
Mr. Trilby,

you have a message.

Thank you.

You got a duck pond, huh?

(DUCKS QUACKING)

Did you want to see me,

Dr. Bowman?

Yes, I do, Mr. Trilby.

Do you like ducks?

They're okay on a plate.

You know, I got after it quite

a bit when I was younger.

I stirred life's cocktail

pretty vigorously, if you will.

I'd venture to say

that more than once,

I found myself on the precipice

of making a

life-altering mistake.

But each time, with no

parental guidance whatsoever,

I was able to carefully

back up, turn around, walk away.

Here I am today.

I have people's respect,

I have their admiration.

I have control

over one of the most

respected institutions

in the country.

Had I not been able to

identify an approaching abyss,

I'd be in a very

different position today.

Mr. Trilby, I don't know,

I don't even care

why you've chosen to place

yourself on this edge.

But I can assure you,

take one step further,

and life will become

even more challenging

than I'm sure it already is.

A nice threat,

is that what that is?

It's a safe prediction.

Losers lose, Mr. Trilby.

And that's what I am, huh?

Is that what I am, a loser?

(CHUCKLES) If you quack like

them and you walk like them,

what would you be?

That's cute.

Just so you know, I didn't come

here to lose. And I'm not gonna.

In the game I'm playing,

I'm way ahead right now.

Okay. Whether you

know it or not. So...

Thanks for the check-up.

Good, Guy!

Do you have a minute?

Because I have that thing...

No. Sorry... that I need

to discuss with you.

I'm kind of done with today. I'm just

gonna drop this gift off to the kid

and then I'm gonna hit the sack.

You bought him a present? Has the

Grinch found his Cindy Lou Who?

That's from Dr. Seuss. I get it.

No, this is just a little bit

of porn and some ice cream.

Oh, Santa would be proud.

Can I get in, please?

Come on. Get a drink with me.

No.

This is important

I'll bet it's not.

You know, when somebody that

you've been sleeping with

says they'd like

to speak with you,

the least you

could do is fake it.

Well... Come on.

Did I just wake up 10 years later?

Are we married?

Please?

Don't flatter yourself.

I had something important

to talk to you about.

Prick!

Sorry!

Good night!

Little f***in' prick!

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

CHAITANYA:
Dad,

he's nothing.

He took me around to see

the sights last night.

Something that you've

never done, by the way.

SRIRAM:
Chaitanya,

stay focused.

This man is your enemy.

Keep him close, but don't forget that.

Remember Donnie Brasco.

Do you want to win?

Do you?

Yes.

Then keep him best friends so

that he can't bear to beat you.

Dad, I know the plan.

Hey.

Hey.

You're pretending to be my

friend just to My to win?

What? No, no!

No, no?

I just heard you

and your dad talking,

just outside the door there.

Let's all relax.

Eat sh*t, buddy. I'll hit

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