Bal-Can-Can Page #3

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Look, I'll take you now,

very carefully,

but don't resist, okay?

Ruzaaaa!

Well... she looks dead to me!

She's dead, very dead.

What was her name?

- Zumbula (Hyacinth).

Zumbula... Like the flower,

hyacinth? - Yes.

Zum-bu-la... And the

lady is...?

Her daughter, my wife.

I'm asking for her name.

- Ah, the name... Ruza (Rose).

Also like the flower?

- Well, yes... Like a rose.

Okay, Ru-za...

And you are...

Trendafil (Rosebud).

Also... flower?

- Also!

And your last name?

- Karanfilov (Flowerson).

Okay... if you say so!

And the certificate?

- What?

The death certificate,

stating that she's dead.

Ah, that certificate? Eh,

Karanfilov, Karanfilov...

And how am I supposed to

know that she's really dead?

But you just said

she looked dead.

Well, of course she does,

how can she not look dead...

But what if she's in a coma

and then wakes up?

Well, we could wait,

but I doubt...

And you, how come you're

so persistent?

All I want is the certificate,

so that we can bury her...

And who's to say you didn't

cut her throat?

Cut her throat?

- Hypothetically speaking.

Excuse me, officer, but I'm an

unemployed worker...

Sure, I believe you, but put

yourself in my shoes.

There has to be a procedure:

The doctors must come,

examine her, confirm

that she's dead,

and then give you the

certificate... That's it!

And now? Where will I find

you those doctors now?

Don't go to the village

infirmary,

everyone is a dentist there.

Try downtown.

And have a nice time

by the sea!

The door!

Good afternoon.

Dupuytren contracture...

from bending of the

palmar aponeurosis.

Vaginal cytology...

Abdominal

hysterectomy...

Pharyngoesophageal

diverticulum!

Say "Pharyngoesophageal

diverticulum"!

Pharyngoesophageal.

Take your clothes off!

Actually, doctor, I'm here

for something else...

I studied medicine and

natural sciences, sacrificed

three decades of my life in

order to save myself from

primitive creatures trying to

place themselves above

the level of their own

competence.

Outside, in the little pigsty

you call your home,

you can make decisions,

give orders,

but in here:
You are mine.

Take off your underpants!

Erection?

- I can.

Ejaculation?

Doctor, I'm not really

comfortable with this...

Me neither.

Got any children?

No.

Does it hurt?

- No.

Does it burn?

- No.

Does it itch?

- A little bit.

It's good. - Is it

really good, doctor?

Good. No side effects.

Enlargement is not a

risky surgery, but it requires

sexual abstinence

We'll slice it a little...

- Slice what?

Your penis. In order to

extend it, I have to slice it!

No, doctor, please,

I'm here for the granny.

What granny?

For a sex change?

No... Look doctor. My granny

Zumbula. She's dead.

Did you notify

the police?

Sure I did. They

referred me to you...

Yes, but I'm a gynaecologist.

Go to the city council.

I can't go there, doctor. She

was a foreign citizen.

Go to your embassy, then!

Doctor, have some

understanding for my

misfortune. I'm a political

refugee!

Aren't we all?

Tell them that doctor

Safarafov sent you.

Doctor Safarafov sent me...

Where's the document

from the cemetery?

What cemetery?

- For elephants!

Where are you going

to bury her?

Well... Wherever you

say, we will...

Then you need a receipt

for a purchased grave.

What purchased grave?

Trying to pull a fast one

on me, aren't you?

First I give you a

certificate, and then you

people bury yourselves in

gardens and basements,

just to save some money.

Well, that won't work!

It won't work!

No use in begging, why didn't

you make a reservation

in time? - It's not like we

planned it, the granny was a

foreigner, just passing through.

Oh, great! We have no

space for our own folks,

and now we even have

to bury foreigners!

We don't wish to impose,

it just happened...

But there's no space,

buddy! No free space!

This is a cemetery,

not "McDonald's"!

You have to make a

reservation before hand... Ouch!

Hey, be careful, man!

The other day they brought

in a guy, died in a car crash.

I buried him together

with another guy

who died from a heart attack.

The relatives complained:

How could I bury him with

a total stranger? I said:

Now they have all the time

in the world, they'll get

acquainted. What can I do

when there's no space?

And how about burning her?

The crematorium

doesn't work!

We called the repairmen

two weeks ago,

and we're still waiting

for them.

There must be some

solution...

Two, gimme two...

To get myself some beer.

- Is that so?

Now look:
We're planning to

rent another two acres.

I'll put you on the waiting list.

If it happens,

you'll be first in line!

- No, not me, the granny.

All same to me!

Call me, okay?

Okay... Hey, when

should I call you?

Well, either June or July.

There are procedures

for everything. First we have

to get permission from

the land registration office,

then we have to go to the city

council, in the end we have to

notify the police...

This is a modern country, there

are procedures for everything!

She started to smell...

At the restaurant they told

me they won't give us

any more ice... They need

it for the customers.

Want a beer?

Well, gimme one.

- Here, it'll refresh you.

May God rest her soul!

- God rest her soul...

Oh, mother, mother...

- Ruza! I have an idea!

It's so cheap, Ruza! For

every three carpets you

buy, you get a free

tapestry!

Geez!

- Put it down.

I made sure it matched

the curtains...

Which curtains? - The ones

in our living room.

Which curtains? - The ones

in our living room.

You don't think we'll

throw it away?

We paid money for it...

Well, it's nice.

- Of course it's nice.

With ethnic motifs. Do

you know how much a

carpet like this would

cost in America?

God help us now!

Take her from the head.

She wasn't so heavy

when she was alive.

Maybe she soaked up

some of the water...

What do you think she is,

a sponge? Put her down!

It's a shame for the carpet.

We should have squeezed

out the water first...

- It's hot, she'll dry out.

Take that side!

Hey, are you sure about this?

- It's too late to turn back

now. C'mon, ready,

steady, go?

Steady, ready, go!

- Oh, c'mon, wrap!

Another 20 kilometres to

the border. When you

get home, go straight to

the hospital!

Get the certificate,

buy the coffin,

organize the funeral,

if anyone asks for a bribe

bribe him, of course!

When you're home,

everything is easier.

- And what about you?

I'm not coming back

until the war is over.

You'll have to cross the

border without me.

Take it easy! Don't get

nervous! Just act normal,

like we're acting normal

at this minute!

What if they

unwrap the carpet?

Don't worry, I have a plan

for everything!

Check how much money

we have left?

Bulgarian or German?

- Both. We'll buy

meat, cans, dairy products...

We'll fill the entire trailer!

- Geez!

The customs officers will

think you're

smuggling food. They'll all

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