Ball & Chain Page #3

- That's all right.

They'll deal with it.

What's this?

Yeah.

I thought we'd

celebrate our breakup.

Come on.

Okay.

This one time,

a couple years ago,

I went out camping

with the guys.

We found this spot way out,

right by this

beautiful lake.

Anyway, everybody was all

passed out from drinking

the night before.

So...

I decided to go for a swim.

You know,

right there,

at that moment,

in the cool water

with not a care in the world,

I felt something.

Something I...

never felt before...

or since.

This... right here...

This is the closest

I'll ever get to that feeling.

To us.

Or... not to us.

Whoa!

I can't believe

we got away with that.

You were good.

Whoo!

Oh, my.

Ameet!

Ameet. Ameet?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Saima!

Saima.

Coming

Come. Sit here.

Listen, I don't want you to worry

about that awful fellow.

Ameet? He's not awful at all.

Do not say his name.

I will not hear it in this house.

I'll find a new husband

and for you to love.

No dreamers for you.

Not at all.

I'll get

an upstanding fellow.

Doctor. Maybe... engineer.

Trust me.

I will take care

of everything.

I will.

But, Papa.

Good morning, Auntie.

Shoo!

You...

You are not welcome

in this house.

But I was...

I'm warning you.

You just go away from here!

- But I was just-

- Just you go!

- But I was-

- Just you go!

You shitty fellow, yaar. Go!

Go inside!

Go inside.

Hey, Ameet, can I play?

Sure.

Nice shot, Deep.

Thanks.

Ameet, are you okay?

No, not really.

Why not?

Do you remember when

I told you what love is?

Yeah.

I was wrong.

Well, not really. Let's just say

I was a little off.

Oh, you mean like your jump shot.

Yeah, like my jump shot.

Then what is love?

Well, do you know how good you feel

when you do

something right?

Like when I beat the bad guys

in my video games?

Yeah, a little like that.

Imagine feeling a hundred times

as good as that

all day long.

Wow.

I know.

Pretty incredible, huh?

When you meet someone who makes

you feel as good as that,

then you'll know what love is.

Hey.

How are you?

Saima...

we can make it through this.

We just...

I just need to know

you want to be with me.

Of course I do.

Of course, but...

But what?

Papa's lining up

men for me to meet.

There's got to be a way.

We could just...

He won't even let

me talk about you.

Come here.

Come here.

What's this?

Open it.

There's more.

Hmm.

I understand

you are an engineer.

Uh-huh.

And then I got my second PhD

in electro nuclear physics.

"Hello. My name... is... Shili."

Can she cook?

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh." That's all?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

"Women find me... exciting."

You?

How about some tandoori food?

You don't diet?

Sorry about that.

Uh-huh.

- I like tandoori food.

- Next!

And degenerative

chemical manipulation.

Um, can she cook?

You live here in town?

Oh, yes.

Oh, God.

Yes?

Yes. Hello?

Eating so much.

Eh?

Huh?

God.

"You... can... not... lose.

"I... am... the...

total... package."

Package?

What a package.

We don't deal in packages.

Carry on.

I don't know.

I'm not impressed.

Not a winner in the lot.

Cancel, cancel, cancel.

Stupid.

God, send me some

husband material,

not animals, okay?

Send me someone good.

Some... some eligible...

- Namaste.

- Namaste.

A**hole.

No, um, Ashol.

- Ashol.

- Yes.

A computer programmer.

Yes, sir,

I'm a computer programmer.

I have recently started

my own Web site design business.

Oh.

And, uh, why do you want

to get married?

Well, I feel it's

the right time in my life

to start to work with someone

and build a life together.

Fine.

And, uh, what about your family?

Unfortunately,

both my parents have passed.

I'm an only child.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Would you like

to meet Saima?

Sure. I'd love to.

Saima!

Saima!

Come here.

Come, come, come, come.

Saima

Ashol, Saima.

I would like for you

to sit and talk with him.

Come, sit.

Come. Sit.

And let me know when

you are done, okay?

- We're done.

- Ah, Saima!

Please, beta.

You know, Saima...

You're lookin' good, babe.

What are you doing here?

Looking for a wife.

Well, you've come

to the wrong place.

I don't think so.

In fact, I think

I've hit the jackpot.

Oh, nice ass.

Oh, the things

I'm going to do with that.

Oh!

Oh, yes.

Got to love that ass.

True happiness comes

when you love your wife,

you love your home and

keep your values intact.

Hmm?

Sir, I'm honored to have your

daughter's hand in marriage.

And I promise to devote myself to

providing her with a secure life.

I'm sure, I'm sure.

God bless you.

Okay.

Good night.

My dream boy. I got him.

Got him.

Ashol, my future

son-in-law.

But he's creepy.

What creepy-sheepy?

Such a nice fellow.

But, Papa, doesn't my happines

mean anything to you?

This is for

your happiness only.

Did you hear

the things he said?

Saima, where are you going?

I'm going to the library.

You really think

I'm some fool?

I know you have been meeting

that fellow. I know it!

So you're not

going out to study.

You're going

to study at home.

- But I-

- At home, that's all.

Up.

Where's Saima's mom?

I'm so confused.

Where has she kept my tea?

Saima's mom, where's my tea?

Ow!

Ow!

Sorry.

What- What are you

doing here?

I missed you.

Drop the dupatta.

You're crazy.

Yeah.

Saima?

Papa?

Saima, did you

hear anything?

Like what?

Some... scraping?

No.

No?

I can't sleep now.

Can you go downstairs and

make me some cha?

Papa, why don't you

take your medicine?

Okay, beta. I'll do that.

I'm old.

My bones are weak.

But that's okay. You don't worry.

I'll make my tea.

No, Papa,

I'll make it for you.

- You'll make it?

- Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Some scraping...

- Shh.

- But...

What's up?

Uhh.

Where's Ameet?

What happened?

Your father...

came after me.

Had to hide.

Aha!

Hey!

What?

Bye.

Stay away from my daughter!

You ruscle!

Stupid fellow.

Damn.

Did you see those things?

You know, you should

get a boob job.

What? What's wrong?

- Why are you doing this?

- Doing what?

Marrying me.

You know I don't love you,

and you know I never will.

You will grow to love me.

You can only resist

my charm for so long.

I can resist you forever.

A**hole.

Listen, you little b*tch.

We're getting married.

If I say you get a boob job,

then you get a boob job.

You do what I say. Get it?

Ma'am, are you

all right?

- I'm fine.

- Bathroom's this way.

How do I get out of here?

- Is there a back door?

- That's off-limits.

Where is it?

Ameet! Ameet!

Saima.

What's wrong?

He's awful!

- Figured you'd go running bac

- You want a piece of me?

Just in case you

don't understand...

Hey!

What are you doing? Wait! No!

Oh...

- Are you okay?

- I'll live.

I can't believe

this is happening.

What else could go wrong?

Well, um, I don't

know how to tell you this,

but they decided to

move the wedding up.

What? When? Where?

Well, they already had the banquet

hall reser ved for you and Saima,

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