Bamboozled Page #15

ON STAGE:

The curtain rises on Mantan and Sleep 'N Eat. They are in a

cotton field.

MANTAN:

I fell out of my bed last night.

SLEEP 'N EAT

You slept too near where you got in?

MANTAN:

I slept too near where I fell out.

SLEEP 'N EAT

You expect the unexpected in

circumstances of that peculiarity.

99.

MANTAN:

Sleep 'N Eat, what's the matter

with you? Using all dose ten

dollar words?

SLEEP 'N EAT

Mantan, it is possible that my

hyphenated sentences are entirely

too complex for all the intellect

contained in that diminutive coconut?

MANTAN:

Hold on, you allegorical hypothesis.

Don't cross words with me.

SLEEP 'N EAT

Ain't Jemima on the pancake box?

MANTAN:

Dat's yo Uncle Ben. That reminds

me, I've seen a lot of troubles

lately.

SLEEP 'N EAT

How be dat?

MANTAN:

I don't know who I am.

SLEEP 'N EAT

Well, I'll be an Alabama porch

monkey's uncle.

MANTAN:

Years ago I married a widow who had

a grown-up daughter. My daddy

visited us often, fell in love with

my stepdaughter and married her.

Thusly he became my son-in-law and

my stepdaughter became my mother

because she was my father's wife.

Soon after dis my wife gave birth

to a son, which of course was my

father's brother in-law and my

uncle, for he was the brother of my

step-mother. My father's wife also

became the mother of a son. He was

of course my brother and also my

grandchild for he was the son of my

daughter. Accordingly, my wife was

my grandmother because she was my

mother's mother.

(MORE)

100.

MANTAN (CONT'D)

Sleep 'N Eat, I was my wife's

husband and grandchild at one and

the same time. And lo' and behold,

as the husband of a person's

grandmother is his grandfather, I

Mantan, became my own grandfather.

SLEEP 'N EAT

Mantan, dat sho' is a whopper.

They both start to do the jig.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH

Delacroix is dying laughing.

DUNWITTY:

You couldn't hold out any longer,

huh?

ON SLOAN:

She looks at Delacroix, her face tells us she's not amused

at all.

ON TV SCREEN:

The Dusky Duo is joined on the cotton patch by Snowflake,

Rastus, Sambo, Nigga Jim, Jungle Bunny, Aunt Jemima, And the

Porch Monkeys Band.

MANTAN:

I feel a song a comin' on.

SLEEP 'N EAT

A song a comin' I feel.

The Porch Monkeys kick in and Mantan sings.

MANTAN:

I fell right dead in love/wid da

sweetest little dove/little LuLu

Snow from Tennessee/she made a

slave of me/an' from her I'se never

free/I'd do anything she'd ask me

to...

Sleep 'N Eat takes over.

101.

SLEEP 'N EAT

De money I did save/to dat yeller

gal I gave/for to keep till we was

wed/she told me dat nobody'd get

away dat cash/I'll take good care

of date, she said.

Everybody joins in for the chorus.

PIKCANINNINIES:

She's de cutest gal in all dis

world I know/If you met her you

would say it so/Oh, Lulu, Lulu,

ev'ry day I pines for you/no other

gal will do/All I've got is yours

for life, my little, my little

yaller Lou/A week ago dat Lou wid

anudder n*gger flew/took ma money

too, all I had/She broke ma heart

in two/when I heard dat she had

flew/Do you wonder dat I feel so

bad?/She told me not to cry 'case

she didn't say good bye/but she'd

take care of dat red/and nobody

would get de cash away from

her/She'd keep her word to me she

said.

INT. RECORDING STUDIO - NIGHT

The Mau-Mau clan surrounds the television monitor, howling

in disgust.

BIG BLACK:

He gots to be did.

1/16TH BLACK

Did he gots to be.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Delacroix is leading the meeting of the staff writers on

Mantan.

DELACROIX (V.O.)

To my astonishment, not only did

the people in TV land love us, but

also the critics.

_

102.

CLOSE ON DELACROIX

DELACROIX (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Mantan was being hailed as

groundbreaking, barrier breaking,

also earth shaking. I looked

forward to my awards. Just

vindication for all my hard work,

all my talent that had been

previously overlooked.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Delacroix sits in tux amongst many stars.

ALEC BALDWIN:

The winner for Best New Sitcom is...

The envelope please...

A starlet hands him the envelope.

ALEC BALDWIN (CONT'D)

The winner is... Pierre Delacroix

for Mantan - The New Millennium

Minstrel Show!

Delacroix jumps out og his chair and starts sobbing. Two

ushers have to help him to the stage. He is overcome with

emotion. The audience is on their feet with a standing

ovation. He hugs Alec Baldwin.

DELACROIX:

Alec Baldwin, this is the very

first time we've ever met, you

don't know this, I'm your biggest

fan and I want you to have my Emmy.

It's for you, out of the deep

bowels of my heart - I don't

deserve this. You take it.

Alec Baldwin is shocked. He grabs Delacroix in a bear hug

and they both cry like babies.

DELACROIX (V.O.) (CONT'D)

If I did that I'd be assured to

work forever. Delacroix the

grateful Negro.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT

Delacroix sits at a table in his lucky tux.

WOODY HARRELSON:

The winner for Best Sit-Com is...

103.

Woody opens the envelope.

WOODY HARRELSON (CONT'D)

...Pierre Delacroix for Mantan.

Come on up and get your Golden Globe.

Delacroix jumps out of his seat and sprints. He gets down

on the stage and starts to breakdance, even spinning on his

head.

DELACROIX (V.O.)

That routine would go over like

gangbusters. I would be a dancing

fool, Hollywood's new favorite

Negro, move over Danny, Morgan,

Samuel L., move over Whoopi.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Delacroix is finishing up the meeting.

DELACROIX:

I had it all planned. To the T.

INT. DANCE STUDIO - DAY

Mantan is running rigorous rehearsal of The Pikaninnies.

Over and over, repetition after repetition, Snowflake,

Rastus, Sambo, N*gger Jim, Jungle Bunny and Aunt Jemima try

to do an intricate dance step.

MANTAN:

I'm tired of you pickaninnies

messing up my choreography. It

goes like this.

Mantan does the step with ease.

MANTAN (CONT'D)

Try it again.

The dancers do it once more.

MANTAN (CONT'D)

Better.

Cheeba walks in. Mantan checks him out.

MANTAN (CONT'D)

Let's take a ten minute break.

They quickly file past Cheeba without saying a word. The

rehearsal space is just the two.

104.

CHEEBA:

I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid.

MANTAN:

What are you talkin' about?

CHEEBA:

Jim Jones, y'know. I'm not drinking

the Kool-Aid.

MANTAN:

Meaning?

CHEEBA:

I'm out.

MANTAN:

Good. I've got a broken back from

carrying you all these years anyway.

CHEEBA:

So that's what you been doing?

MANTAN:

Damn skippy.

CHEEBA:

You're in this up till ya neck.

MANTAN:

Don't shoot me, I'm just the piano

players.

CHEEBA:

You can walk away. We both can.

MANTAN:

Yeah, that's easy for you to do.

You never had any talent.

CHEEBA:

I'm so tired of you running that.

I always worked hard for you. You

think I'm a leech, a kling-on, I

quit.

Cheeba walks out.

MANTAN:

I'm the star of Mantan, so you do

that. Quit, walk away. And don't

come crawling back, either.

105.

INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT

Mantan and Sloan ride in back. He's still thinking about

Cheeba.

SLOAN:

Why don't you call him?

MANTAN:

For what? He left. Not me.

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