Band Aid Page #3

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in-between the sheets.

That's such a good idea, though.

Restaurants with the lighting

as Instagram filters.

So you can just say like,

oh, I'll meet you at Valencia at eight,

and then we'll have drinks

afterwards at Hudson.

Well, yeah, that may be a

little saturated, but.

- HEY-

- Hi.

- Were you gonna?

- Was I gonna what?

- I thought, because

you were standing there,

you were gonna open the-

- Oh, get the door?

Oh no, I'm sorry, I don't do that.

- Would have been a nice gesture.

- How long have

you been an Uber driver?

- Like a year.

- Oh, that's crazy.

That's crazy.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Yeah.

What'd you do before that?

Before you were an Uber

driver, what'd you do?

- I was a writer.

- Oh, crazy.

I'm single.

' Hmm?

- I'm single.

- That's crazy.

- Hi.

- HEY-

How was work?

- It was good.

Somebody left their iPad in the back seat.

- Score.

You gonna return it?

- Well, I couldn't really get in it.

It's password protected.

But I don't know.

I was thinking maybe you could keep it,

walk around with it and make

it look like you have a job.

Oh my god, this f***in' drip.

- I have a job.

- Yeah, no, I know.

I just meant one where, you know,

you might have to wear pants.

- Fair enough.

- Hey, did you finish your logo?

- Yeah, all done.

- Really?

- And I was thinking,

maybe to celebrate...

- Oh, do you wanna?

- F***? No.

No, I was thinking maybe

we could order Papa Johns,

maybe jam out Jem and the Holograms style.

- Oh okay, yeah.

Oh yeah.

I just, I wasn't really

in the mood to f***.

Yeah.

- The sensation I get from sex

and the sensation I get from eating pizza,

it's like, interchangeable

for me at this point.

- WOW, okay'

Okay, let's just,

can we just take the

pressure off a little bit?

- Can I have some ranch?

- Okay.

- Yeah, there we go.

- Oh ho-ho-ho.

That's a sweet bite.

- That's the Tom Petty bite.

- Yeah.

Okay.

I was gonna say, what if

we take the pressure off

of not having to write a fight song,

and just do like, whatever.

- Okay.

- Whatever comes to mind.

- Let's start with just like two chords.

- Okay.

- Just playing two chords

back and forth.

- Okay, okay.

- And then you can kind of...

- Oh wow, you've really done it.

- Figure out the melody.

- Yeah.

- Okay?

- Okay, all right.

- You sure?

I like that.

Kind of like some doo-wop action.

- Okay, doo-woppy-

Do-do do do

Do-do do-do do do

Do do do-do

- I like that rhythm.

Do-do do-do do do

Night's creepin' in

I'm feelin' low

Do-do do do

Do-do do-do

Okay.

No money, no friends

Got nowhere to go

- So, we've done two bars.

- Yeah, we're in deep.

A rumble in my belly

My throat is parched

- Parched.

Okay, okay, I'm gonna get it.

Yeah, I got one.

I'm searchin' for the light

In the endless dark

- I think we have to change it.

- Is it feeling repetitive?

- A little bit.

- Okay.

- We're only two songs into it,

but it's repetitive.

- Let's do it.

Let's do like a...

- So, I would go to this.

Ah, I found it.

Do-do do

Do-do do-do do

All right?

Do-do do

Crashes

Of green and red

- Oh.

Fl An 18 inch

That's where I can rest my head

You're my sunrise slice

To welcome the dawn

Oh yeah.

You're my sunrise slice

To welcome the dawn

My papa

My Papa John

My papa

My Papa John

- Bring it home.

My papa

My Papa John

- Wow.

- Whoa.

- That was really nice.

- Oh my god, that was so cool.

I feel like it was almost like,

almost like a...

- Simon and Garfunkel?

- Almost like a solo

Simon, too, I was feeling.

- Yeah, totally.

- Like "The Rhythm of

the Saints", like.

- Uh-huh.

And this is working great for me.

I am so shocked

that the guy from Blues

Traveler never did this.

How fun is this?

- This is so fun.

Okay, let's make a list

of our top 10 fights of all-time.

- Of all-time?

- Why, does that,

that's not good?

TOP 12?

"TOP 12?

That's only two more.

- I don't know.

- I don't know.

Let's start with, we'll start with 12.

- Top 12 fights, all-time.

Okay.

Dishes is big, obviously.

- That is big.

- That's a big one.

- You seem to have a general,

a problem with my grooming.

- Yeah.

For sure, that's spot-on.

- An issue.

- Yeah.

But I feel like grooming and

dishes can kind of go together.

- Okay.

- So maybe we just,

like a cleanliness thing.

- Okay.

Um.

I don't wanna point any fingers here,

but I think you can be

a little judgemental.

- Okay, okay-

Sure, I can see that.

I will see your judgemental,

and I will raise you a you being lazy.

- Okay, you're uptight-

- You're distracted.

- Sure, yeah, you know.

Um.

You have emotions coming out of your ass.

- You have no emotions.

Ever.

- Okay, you're obsessed

with the way you look.

- Right.

- You're constantly asking me

how you look, it's super annoying.

- Right, well, a lot of

that has to do with the fact

that you just like never

give me a compliment.

- I give you compliments all the time.

- Whenever you give me a compliment,

it's only when I ask for a compliment.

And even then, it's like, you

do that thing where it's like,

something happens where you go away

for like 30 to 45 seconds,

and then you come back,

and you're like, oh,

uh, you look good.

- That's a compliment.

- Hey, where's my sneakers.

- That's a compliment.

And have you seen those sneakers?

No, you didn't even look.

You know what, if we're living

in this post-feminist society

where I have to do the dishes

and you don't have to blow me, like ever,

I would say it's probably pretty fair

that you would start

giving me more compliments.

- Oh wow, okay.

- I'm serious.

- Sure, yeah.

- I would love to feel complimented.

- Okay, you're a regular Gloria Steinem.

- I am, I'm Gary Steinem.

I'm fighting the fight for man's rights.

- Very good.

- Oh.

That is a drum roll.

- Who cares?

Fine.

- Sh*t.

- Yeah.

- You know what we need?

- A drummer.

- I don't know if he's home.

- I'm sure he's just tending to women

he keeps in his basement.

- You don't think he

keeps 'em in the walls?

- No, it's definitely more

of a lotion in the basket vibe to me.

- See, I think it...

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey neighbors.

What are you doing?

- Um.

If it's a bad time, we can come back.

- Yeah.

- What?

No, don't be a couple of billy goats.

Come on in.

- Okay.

- Don't wanna be a billy goat.

- Have a seat.

- Wow, it's...

- You can sit on the left,

and then you can sit on the right.

- Okay.

- That's very specific.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- It's very cozy in here.

- Mm-hmm.

- Such an honor to have you in my home.

- Yeah, it's nice to be

here.

- Do you want anything?

Do you want some cocoa?

- I'm okay.

- I would take a cocoa.

- Okay.

- Sure.

- Cassandra Diabla, cocoas, please.

We have guests.

- I don't know who she is.

- Extra cocoas.

- Hi.

- This is my best

friend, Cassandra Diabla.

- It's nice to meet you.

- Hi.

- Hi, Cassandra Diabla?

- Tonight's cocoa night.

Careful, it's a little ouchie.

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