Band of Robbers Page #2

good thing than a bad one.

- Hang on and I'll...

- It's still illegal though. Right?

Ben, do you wanna be working for Barnes

your whole life at the auto shop?

- Having to borrow money from your half-brother?

- I don't have a half-brother.

It's an expression.

Look.

My ex-fiance used to say,

"He's never gonna do anything special.

He's always

gonna be like a kid."

Man, we all know you're

talking about Amy right now.

She's my wife. Well, it doesn't

make the anecdote untrue, does it?

My hair is falling out.

You see that? My back hurts.

Before you know it I'm gonna

be one of these old guys

walking around in a wheelchair,

never did anything.

- Maybe Amy Lawrence does think I'm a kid.

- Tom.

Well, I'm a Toys R Us kid. And I own my

own handgun and a pretty nice minivan.

And I'm tired of people telling

me what I can and can't do.

And I think it's time that we

all did something valuable.

I think it's time that we all

did something meaningful.

Okay? Now listen to the oath.

Here we go.

"By joining this band,

I agree to stay loyal

and not share any band

secrets with others.

If I do, I agree to have my throat

cut and a curse put on my head

and to be set on fire

and never talked about anymore.

I agree that if anybody hurts a member

of the gang, Tom will appoint someone

to kill the person

who did it."

- What about families?

- What do you mean?

If someone in the gang rats, we should,

like, kill someone in their family.

We will definitely do that.

Huck doesn't have any family, so that

doesn't seem like a completely fair trade.

What about that old lady

that you live with?

Sure. Yeah. Sure.

- I'm cool with that.

- We'll just kill her.

- I was gonna say kill her.

- Okay, great. Anyways...

Should I be chosen for the task,

I will not eat or sleep until I kill them

and cut a cross on their chest.

We're gonna use crosses. You see anybody else

doing that, let me know and we'll kill them.

- We'll sue them.

- Uh, churches.

I could only get the Rsum Wizard open,

so I typed it up that way.

But otherwise I think it's good.

If you guys wanna proofread it before you

sign it, I don't give a sh*t. That's fine.

Most of the harsh language inside this

thing I pulled out of pirate books.

I got some out of the Old Testament.

I don't think Jesus would lie.

But in practice we're gonna

be mostly nonviolent.

- We're gonna sign in blood. It's best if you do it...

- Uh, Tom, I don't...

I'm gonna quit now.

I'm quitting preemptively here.

Thought this whole thing was like

Amway or Herbalife or something, man.

Which I'd totally be into.

But, uh... I'm gonna go check on Amy.

All right?

I'm sorry.

Do we have to kill him?

No, he... he's letting us

use the basement.

All right,

who's with me and Huck?

Tom, can I talk to you

out... side?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sure.

See that?

Trojan's Hammer.

Listen, uh...

You know I appreciate you including

me in all of your plans, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

But I think, um...

I gotta go straight.

You know, 'cause...

'cause of jail.

Jail. Jail. Jail?

I can't... I can't go back.

Over my dead body, man.

You're not going back to jail.

I've got the perfect thing

to help you go straight.

It's enough money to buy an island.

It'd be you and me, man.

I'll be president

of the island, or king.

I don't know what the leadership

structure'll be, but you could be my prince.

Or comptroller.

I don't know what the jobs will be.

But we'll be

drinking rum janglers.

I want a real life, Tom.

You know?

I want a family.

I can't end up like my dad.

You got a family. Me.

Us orphans

need to stick together.

Let me give you

the future you want.

That's all I've ever cared about...

us getting the lives we deserve.

Man, if you knew what I knew,

we wouldn't even be

having this conversation.

What do you know?

Let me show you.

And then you decide.

Okay. Okay.

- Tom.

- I want you to tell them what you told me.

Hey, Muff.

How's it going, Muff?

Muffin.

- So this is the crew.

- Yeah, this is Tom Sawyer's gang.

If anybody asks.

D-Don't tell anybody.

That's on a need-to-know basis,

and nobody needs to know.

Go ahead.

Well, we all know the pawn shop

is a holding area for dirty

money and stolen goods

that need to get cleaned

and distributed.

Yesterday morning

they got something a little more

special than Granny's stolen necklace.

Way better than...

what your grandma would buy.

Yesterday morning

Injun Joe brought something by.

Yeah, right.

Injun Joe is not even real.

Excuse me?

He's made up.

- Hell he is. I know the man.

- Disagree to agree.

Huck and me saw him when we were kids.

I tell you that all the time.

- I knew that. Sorry.

- Why would he keep anything in an old pawn shop?

Here's the real news.

The way I hear it, he's got something so

valuable he don't know how to turn it over.

The way I hear it,

he's got Murrel's treasure.

What else could it be?

Everybody knows Injun's spent his whole

life searching for Murrel's stash.

And there's nobody protecting it?

Nope.

Just sitting in the safe

below the counter.

No guards, no nothin'.

But nobody else

knows about this.

Good. Good.

You're gonna get your share.

No sh*t.

This is it.

You sure we can trust Muff?

Oh, yeah, man.

Muff's legit as a witch's titty.

He used to hang out with Injun

Joe until they had a falling out

'cause Injun started cutting

the tops of people's heads off.

But we gotta get it tomorrow morning,

man, before Injun comes back.

You promise you've really seen him?

Yeah, man.

- He's, like, seven feet tall. Awesome.

- He's a big guy.

He's a white guy.

Not even Indian.

Why do they call him

Injun Joe then?

Guess he identifies with

the culture and aesthetic.

Isn't that kinda racist?

How is it racist to want to

be more like another race?

"Injun"

is racist. That's kind of a slur at the...

Imagine if you were,

like, Spic Kenny, Jap Tony.

"I'm just paying homage

to Japanese culture."

- It's racist to spend this much time talking about it.

- All right, what's the plan?

Operation Mexican Shadow.

10:
00 AM.

I'll enter the pawn shop, acting as

if I'm just there to do some shopping.

10:
05 AM.

Ben will enter, also pretending to

be a normal, civilized shopper.

10:
07 AM.

Huck Finn, the Red-handed,

and Joe Harper,

the Terror of the Seas,

will be dropped off by a

Mexican man in a rental van.

Who is this Mexican,

you may ask?

9:
22 AM.

Huck and Harper will pick up a random

day laborer from the rental spot

and ask him to drive the van

they will have just rented,

saying neither of you can drive

because of Operation

Iraqi Freedom injuries.

You will speak

only in "espaola"

as you rob the treasure

and safe contents.

When the money is in the bag,

Joe will cue Ben, our civilian

do-gooder come to save the day,

by saying "Dead men tell no tales"

in Spanish.

Halt!

What's my name in it?

I don't know.

It doesn't matter.

It's not a part of

the... the speech.

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