Barbershop: The Next Cut Page #3

Smart phone, dumb girls!

Learn how to cook a decent

meal, for goodness' sake.

Look, some of them don't

even know how to microwave.

Had a girl come over

to my house last week,

went into my kitchen,

thought mine was a safe.

I bet that sh*t was empty.

And I can't

believe you, Eddie.

I can't believe that you

expect your visual fantasy

to actually mop and iron

for your old ass?

You come to my house, you better

know how to clean and iron.

Only thing gonna be

wrinkling around my house

is my forehead when I say,

"B*tch, what?"

You need manners.

Yeah, Angie.

Please!

It doesn't matter how much a woman

tries to live up to your fantasies.

Doesn't matter if a woman tries to wash

your crusty ass drawers every night.

Doesn't matter if she fixes him

a special batch of vegan chili,

even though chili is

supposed to have meat in it!

Everybody knows that

chili has meat in it!

That's what it is,

it doesn't matter,

because he's still gonna

wake up one morning

and leave your ass

for some chick on Instagram!

Who had sex with you

and didn't appreciate it?

Vegan chili is delicious.

Trust me on this, ladies.

The only man that you can

trust is the one up above.

Come on, Bree.

That dude, Ronnie,

he was just a bad apple.

If you and your man

had something real,

it wouldn't have mattered

how bad the Instagram ho was.

She wouldn't have been able

to come between y'all.

Not even for

Jamaicanthickthighs24?

Jerrod.

Ass so fat you can see

it from the front.

-Let me see.

-Send me that.

-Yeah, right there.

-There is a God.

-Smell that.

-It's not scratch-and-sniff.

Ass cheeks

so separated...

You know what, ladies?

For years it has

been a war,

with the good girls

and the hoes,

and the hoes

have officially won.

Go, hoes!

Love me some hoes.

I can't live without hoes.

I gotta have them.

Hoes know

what to do and when to do it!

Wait. Wait. Hold up!

You girls keep complaining about

the chauvinistic talk in the shop,

but y'all do the same

thing in reverse.

Each one of y'all

want a super thug

that can hold his own on the

yard at the Cook County jail,

that's got three degrees from

Harvard and making six figures.

You know it.

Meanwhile, you pass up corny

dudes like Jerrod every day.

Exactly.

Don't no woman want no moist

Duncan Hines ass

dude like Jerrod.

No.

Jerrod's like boiled okra.

He's just green and stringy, just completely

unappetizing to the human palate.

Such kind words, you guys.

I really appreciate it.

A couple things.

First of all,

I'm standing right here.

I can hear you.

And second of all...

Baller alert!

No, he did not just pull up

in a Maserati, girl!

Is that L. Rock

from the Bears? My God.

He just got

a $47 million contract.

35 guaranteed and

four with incentives.

Craig came by here 20 minutes

ago looking for you.

Okay, thanks, Cal.

I'll text him.

Hey, babe.

I need you to pick up Maya

from school today, too.

I just squeezed in another last-minute

appointment and I can't do it.

Yeah, I see.

Come on, babe, please.

I got an

appointment, too.

-Can't Kenny do it?

-I asked Kenny.

He said he was too busy,

which is really funny,

because I don't know what a

15-year-old could be busy doing

other than drinking up all my goddamn

apple juice and dirtying up the house.

That's easy,

they masturbate a lot.

What? They do.

I mean, I was 15.

I was 15 this morning.

Am I right, Raja?

Don't touch me with that hand,

don't touch me in general.

Come here,

let me get your beard.

That's all? Really?

So you playing celebrity

barber and I'm Mr. Mom now?

You're the one who said you wanted to

spend more time with Maya and Kenny,

-so what's the problem?

-Some time.

Half your clients

was mine to start.

You

complaining now?

When Kenny's mom

asked if he can spend

the remainder of

high school with us,

I was cool with it.

But since he's been with us,

he's done nothing to help out.

Yeah, come on.

It's like we have two

toddlers in the house.

-It's a new situation.

-It's not a new situation.

It's been a year!

You're being too soft on him!

You know how long

he was with his mother.

I understand that.

All right, y'all.

Yo, Terri and Rashad! Yo!

Do y'all need a minute?

Because we'll all leave.

You know what?

I'm gonna leave.

It's like Love & Hip Hop

reunion in here.

Momma Dee

and Lil Scrappy.

Terri, girl, I couldn't

help but overhear.

I mean, girl,

everybody could hear.

But, I wanted to tell

you, and I told Rashad,

I could pick up Maya, like,

whenever you need me to.

So let me know

if I can help out, girl.

In any... In any way.

I don't need nothing but

for you to back up a few feet.

This is a private discussion

between me and my husband.

I mean, I didn't realize

it was so private

'cause, like I said,

everybody can hear y'all.

But y'all been

a little bit overwhelmed,

and let me release

some of that stress.

Why don't you help yourself

back to your station, Draya?

Look, Terri. I got you.

I got you, baby. Come here.

My bad, girl.

Don't even get riled up

like that, Terri.

It's all good.

Stay in your lane.

Come on. Baby,

come here, I got you.

I'll go get Maya,

you do what you gotta do.

I know we need

the money, so...

Thank you.

Well, you know,

when I get home later,

I'll make it up to you.

I'll do that thing you like.

Yeah, okay.

Sure you gonna be

burnt out by tonight.

It's all right, though. I'll wait for

the morning for that lazy side booty.

Terri, just

out of curiosity,

what is that thing

that you do?

Is it something

that I can Google?

Yo, Calvin, what's

the Wi-Fi password?

Let me get that Lupita.

Excellent choice.

You wanna act grown?

Well, now you got

a grown-man haircut.

Yeah, this gotta be

some of my best work.

Your friends at school

gonna love this.

That's the information

super highway right there.

Let's go.

So you learned your

lesson today, didn't you?

You look good, man!

Nothin' can stop you now.

Tell Weezy I said

"hey!"

Eddie...

Tell me that ain't

child abuse.

I bet you he won't be talking

back to his mama no more.

Gave him

the George Jefferson.

All right,

looking good.

Hi. Who are you here to see?

Yeah, I'm here

to see One-Stop.

Take a number.

They all here

to see One-Stop.

-Everybody?

-Yeah.

Right, right.

That's what I said.

Give me a minute, brother.

I need eight 32-inch TVs.

No plasma, man.

Just LCDs, brotha.

You know what I mean?

I got the watches,

I got the rings.

I'm doing tailoring, I'm doing a

little bit of everything now, brotha.

Right,

right, right, right.

No, I just do

the measurements.

I got a little Asian lady

who puts the suit together.

She sews. I don't sew.

Calvin, you really just gonna let

this fool come slidin' up in here

like he run the place?

Eddie, worry about

your section.

Pardon me.

Look here,

Truck-Stop, One-Stop.

Come here, son.

This the barber shop.

You gotta get people in and out.

That's what we do.

You got these musty negroes

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