Barefoot in the Park Page #7

in the morning.

Where are you going?

To sleep.

How can you now?

I'll close my eyes

and count knichis. Good night.

You cannot sleep now.

We're having a fight.

You have the fight. When you're

through, turn off these lights.

That gets me

absolutely insane!

You can even control

your emotions!

No, no. I'm just as upset

as you are.

But when I'm hungry, I eat.

When I'm tired, I sleep.

I've seen you

eat and sleep.

Not in midcrisis.

What crisis?

We're just yelling.

You don't consider

this a crisis!

Our whole marriage

is hanging in the balance.

It is?

When did this happen?

Just now. It's suddenly become

very clear to me

that you and I have

absolutely nothing in common.

Because I won't

go walking barefoot in the park?

No case. Adultery, yes,

but cold feet, no.

Don't you oversimplify this.

I am angry. Can't you see that?

It's 2:
15. If I can get to sleep

in half an hour,

I'll get

about 5 hours sleep.

I'll call you from court tomorrow,

and we'll fight by phone.

You won't go to sleep!

You'll stay here

and fight to save our marriage!

If our marriage hinges

on those fishbowls and pelmenchki,

it's not worth saving.

Care to join me in our tiny bed?

We're sleeping from left

to right tonight.

You won't discuss it!

You're afraid to discuss it!

I married a...

a coward!

Would you bring in a pail?

The closet's dripping.

Oh, I hate you!

I really,

really hate you!

There's one thing

I've learned in court.

Be careful when

you're tired and angry.

You may say something

you'll regret.

I am now tired and angry.

And a coward!

Maybe you're right.

Maybe we don't have

anything in common.

Two people

should have more

than just

a blood test first.

Maybe they should

be checked first

for a little common sense,

understanding,

and emotional maturity!

All right. Why don't

you get it passed

by the Supreme Court?

Only those couples bearing a certificate

from their psychiatrist

proving that they're

emotionally mature can be married.

Oh, listen...

Don't touch me!

Don't lay

a finger on me!

I can't stand

to have you near me!

I don't want to be

in the same room with you!

You're hysterical.

I am not hysterical!

I know exactly

what I'm saying.

It's all over

between us.

It's never going

to be any good anymore.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to cry.

Cry, please. Go ahead.

Don't tell me

when to cry!

I'll cry when

I feel like crying.

I won't cry until you're

out of this apartment.

What do you mean?

You certainly don't think we're

going to live here anymore, do you?

After this?

Are you serious?

Of course

I'm serious, Paul!

I want a divorce!

Divorce!

I'm sorry.

I can't discuss it anymore.

Where are you going?

To bed.

You can't, not now.

You did before.

During a fight.

This is during

a divorce.

I can't talk to you when

you're hysterical.

I want to know why

you want a divorce.

Huh?

Why?

Because you and I have absolutely

nothing in common.

Nothing in common?

What about the six days

at the Plaza, Corie?

Six days does

not a week make.

What does that mean?

I don't know!

I don't know

what it means.

All I know is

that I want a divorce.

You know,

I think you mean it.

You mean this?

I do.

I really do.

Let's just...

think.

I thought you

weren't going to cry.

Well, I am!

I'm going to have

the biggest cry

I've ever had

in my whole life,

and I'm going

to enjoy it!

I'll cry so hard

I'll keep you

awake all night.

Good night, Paul.

I mean goodbye.

Six days does

not a week make.

It's for you. I don't

live here anymore.

Fine. Fine.

You work and work

for a lousy 6 cents.

I don't even care.

I don't know...

why I even bother.

It's just...

it's just nothing.

One pound of grapes.

Anything else?

No, thank you.

Ah-choo!

God bless him.

If that's for tonight,

you needn't bother.

I have my own dinner.

I thought you

were moving out.

I haven't had a chance

to look for a room yet.

I work during the day.

You'll look tonight.

I'm coming down

with a cold.

That's why

I'm home early.

I thought I'd take aspirins and get

right into the sofa.

I'm sure you

can find someplace.

You can stay

at your club.

It's not that kind

of a club.

It's a locker room

and a handball court.

To sleep over, I'd have

to keep winning the serve.

Hello, Mrs. Bratter,

Mr. Bratter.

How's every

little thing?

The little things

are fine.

Shall I charge it,

Mr. Bratter?

Charge it to Mrs. Bratter.

It's a new account.

The grapes are his.

It's open!

Hi.

Hello again.

Phone's out

of order.

Yeah. I know.

I wouldn't be up here

on a social call.

Hey, you did

a real nice job.

Thank you.

Know anybody that

might want to rent it?

Rent it?

You moving already?

I'm looking

for a smaller place.

Smaller than this,

they're not easy to find.

How do you

like married life?

Very interesting.

Hello.

I'm the

telephone man.

I'm the husband.

Well, let's see what's

wrong with the phone.

It's dead.

I know. It was

murdered last night.

I'll be out of here

as fast as I can.

Take your time.

Nobody's rushing you.

Is there any beer

in the house?

I said, "Is there any beer

in the house?"

Would you

like me to look?

There's no beer

in the house.

There is no beer.

Ah!

That's my trouble... beer.

I can drink 10 cans

in a night... of beer.

Ahh!

My laundry come back today?

Yes, your laundry

came back today.

They stuffed your shirts

beautifully.

Would you

like a drink?

I said, "Would you

like a drink?"

Who? Me?

Yeah.

No.

Right.

Just one more little screw

will do it.

There. I'm finished.

I'm finished.

Aah!

Hello. Yes, it is.

Just a moment.

It's Aunt Harriet.

I don't have

an Aunt Harriet.

I guess you won't

be needing me anymore.

Goodbye.

Aunt Harriet,

can you hang on a second?

When do I get it?

Get what?

When do I get my divorce?

I don't know.

They didn't send

the marriage license yet.

I want you out tonight.

Fine.

I'll get my bag.

I'll pack

my wet suits.

Hi, Aunt Harriet.

What's wrong?

I'll go sleep

in the park,

where it's

dry and warm.

No, Mother's not with me.

She left about

2:
00 this morning.

Yeah? What happened?

What?

Mother?

My mother?

Are you sure?

What's the matter?

What happened?

No. My phone's been

out of order all day.

Don't get excited.

I'll call you back

as soon as I find out

anything. Goodbye.

What's wrong

with your mother?

Mother didn't

come home last night.

Her bed hasn't

been slept in.

I'm calling the police.

Take it easy.

There's nothing to be...

Maybe her back

was bothering her,

and she fell asleep

on the ironing board.

Would you just go away.

Just go away.

Where are you going?

Upstairs to find out

what happened to mother.

You better not come back.

I'm buying

a big dog tomorrow.

You'll have somebody

to walk barefoot in the park with.

A dog. That's a laugh.

When she tries

to take him for a walk,

he'll get one look

at those stairs

and go right

for her throat.

Rate this script:2.3 / 3 votes