Batman and Harley Quinn Page #2

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Only useful thing

I ever got from that asshat.

Nighty-night, jerk.

(STOPS LAUGHING)

Don't know what you expect to find.

My best people have

been over this place a dozen times.

No offense to your best people,

but they're not me.

What is it?

Oh, yay! A leaf.

Kind of like all of these.

No, not like those.

It's a completely different phylum

from every other leaf in here.

Great. You're the world's

greatest florist, too.

Look closely.

Have you ever seen a leaf like this?

Can't say that I have.

That's because it isn't from our planet.

Not even from our dimension.

Wait. You mean Jason Woodrue?

That freak was here?

This is bad.

Your forensic people are bad.

This is catastrophic.

Nightwing, this is Batman. Come in.

Nightwing?

Everything okay?

He should've reported in by now.

You want me to send out a search team?

They're the best at...

Well, they're pretty good.

Like I said, eyes and ears everywhere.

Besides, Nightwing can handle himself.

(GROANING SOFTLY)

HARLEY:
I know. I know. Freakin' stupid

bringing him back to my place.

But what was I supposed to do?

I couldn't just let him go. He knows

the secret location of my hidey-hole.

He'd blab to Batman for sure.

Could'vejust killed him, dumb-ass!

Nah, I'm not a criminal anymore.

Plus, he's kinda too cute to kill.

And anyway, maybe I should help out.

Sounds like Ivy

could be in some serious...

Don't bother yelling for help.

This dump is condemned.

Nobody in the whole building

but us, Nightwig.

"Wing-u

Heh?

It's "Nightwing."

Really? Huh.

Guess I was thinking of

that goofy mullet you used to have.

Yeesh. That was like

a whole decade of bad hair days.

Sticks and stones, lady.

I've taken trash talk

from bigger criminals than you.

"Criminals"? if you hadn't noticed,

I went straight!

I'm a friggin' waitress already!

Oh, golly, that's right.

I stand corrected.

Check this out, smart guy.

My pile of rejection letters.

Evidently, the Mayo Clinic's

got some dumb policy

of not hiring

former costumed supervillains.

Just like

every other hospital in the world.

There're other jobs.

Sure! I got a ton of offers.

"We got a very special role for you

in Bad Girls After Dark. "

And you got to love this one.

"A tasteful pictorial to

be shot in Thailand for legal reasons."

You say I'm a criminal.

They say I'm a whore.

Well, I'm sick of other people

telling me what I am!

Whatever.

Got to say, you gave me

a heck of a workout.

Got me all sweat-stinky.

(SNIFFS) Ew!

Definitely could use a shower.

I think better when I don't reek.

Still got to figure out

what to do about Nightwig over there.

Hmm, what to wear? What to wear?

Sucker-punch Harley?

Arctic Harley? Street-luge Harley?

Roller-babe Harley?

Steam-punk Harley. Goth-Lolita Harley.

Hey, Nightwig, is it true

you used to be Robin?

Huh. Ain't that a kick in the pants?

Little Boy Wonder all grown up.

Okay, now...

Don't be getting any funny ideas.

Too late!

It's funny.

I always kinda thought

you and Batman didn't like girls.

Wait, what?

You know, that book?

With the headlights

and the eyeball-gouging?

I had to write a paper on it

back in college.

Got a B-minus.

Look, Harley...

Pretty lonely these last few months,

if you know what I mean.

You don't meet

a lot of likely prospects at Super-Babes.

I'm kinda choosy.

I'm not saying I don't want to,

'cause that could be nice.

All sorts of wrong, but nice.

- Right now, I just really need to find...

- Shh!

Face it, Sugar.

I got something you want, and you

sure-as-shootin' got something I want.

So, be a good boy and maybe...

Maybe mama will give you a cookie.

The things I do for Gotham.

I'm taking that as a "yes."

Mmm...

WOODRUE:
It's disgusting!

It's an abomination!

You think I like swapping spit

with this geezer every six hours?

If you've got a better way to

keep him under our control, I'm all ears.

There's always torture.

I don't torture.

The seven billion meat bags

who infest this world

would probably consider

our plans for them torture.

Or at least cruel and inhumane.

Our plans are for the improvement

of every organism on Earth.

The very definition of humane.

"Humane."

What an ironic word coined by a species

completely devoid of compassion

for any other life-forms.

Or each other, for that matter.

They all talk about climate change,

but have they actually changed anything?

Indeed they have.

They've doubled their output

of greenhouse gases,

increased the rate of deforestation,

ravaged the planet.

You said it yourself, Pamela, and I quote,

"Humans simply will not give a crap

unless we force them to."

Well, once our virus is activated,

every single person on this planet

will have a vested interest

-

(TRACKER BEEPING)

(BEEPS RAPIDLY)

(HARLEY LAUGHING)

NIGHTWING:
Oh, God, no! Stop! Stop!

HARLEY". You stop it!

You're gonna make me pee!

(NIGHTWING LAUGHING)

Hey, hey, hey!

Cut it out!

How about there? You ticklish there?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- (BATMAN CLEARS THROAT)

- (HARLEY GASPS)

Harley Quinn reporting for duty, sir!

I was, uh... Was just about to call you.

Meet you at the car! (HUMMING)

Did you get what you needed?

Well, yeah.

Ivy's whereabouts, of course.

That's what you meant. Uh, no, not yet.

Like you never

made out with a super-villain.

So, here's how

it's gonna work, Dynamic Duo.

Nobody knows Ivy like I know Ivy.

Now, I can help you find her,

but you're gonna let me talk some sense

into her before you come in swingin'.

And then, when this whole thing is over,

you're gonna put in

a good word for me with the parole board,

tell 'em what a fine, upstanding citizen

I am, etcetera, etcetera.

Hmm...

No.

What the what?

But... I mean, aren't you gonna...

- Don't you need...

- I don't make deals with psychopaths.

Sociopath!

So-ci-0-path!

Jeez, why does everybody

always get that wrong?

If you aren't willing to

agree to my terms, why should I help you?

You'll help us or the rest of the world

will cease to exist.

As insane as you are, you enjoy living.

How about just a little something

to sweeten the deal?

Spa day?

Autographed picture for my little cousin?

He's real sick.

Okay, fine, whatever. You're the boss.

Wait, she's coming with us?

Is that really a good idea?

It's not my first choice,

but we can't afford

to let her out of our sight.

She might tip off Ivy that we're onto her.

Yeah, dangerous loony over here,

never know what she's gonna do!

(GRUNTING)

Here, there's a little trick to it.

Hey, watch the hands, Buster Brown!

Sorry, I was just...

Jeez, 20 minutes of naughty fun-time

and they think they own you.

I wasn't... I was just trying to...

Look, maybe I'll call you sometime, okay?

Like, when I'm

outta batteries or something.

(ENGINE ROARING)

BATMAN:
Based on Goldblum's

area of expertise,

Woodrue and lvy's ideological profiles,

and the S.T.A.R. Labs break-in,

there's only one conclusion.

They're going to synthesize the formula

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