Batman and Harley Quinn Page #3

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that created Swamp Thing,

convert it into a fast-spreading virus

and save the world

by turning humanity

into animal/plant hybrids.

What! EW!

Look, don't get me wrong,

I ain't no racist.

I mean, some of

my best friends are plant people.

Well, on the bright side, at least

they aren't actually killing anyone.

Perhaps not intentionally.

Here we go.

It's bad enough if they succeed

and we all live as plant people.

But that's not even

the worst-case scenario.

If any part of their plan is off

even a slight bit, within weeks,

days, maybe...

We could be looking at

the extinction of all life on the planet.

'Keepers.

But wait a minute,

why do they need the Holland formula?

Why not just

make the virus from themselves?

It's a shortcut.

Reverse-engineering their own DNA

could take years, maybe decades.

Neither of them

was ever fully human to begin with.

She's a natural mutation

and he's an exiled dryad

from another dimension.

"Exiled dryad from..." You're shittin' me!

We've seen weirder things.

Harley, we just need you

to help us find Ivy. That's all.

- We'll handle the rest.

- No problem.

I know this guy,

one of lvy's top henchmen,

probably still tight with her.

And he's... Oh, my God! Stop the car!

- No.

- But it's him!

"Who?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey, you! Bobby Liebowitz!

Oh, crap!

Harley, wait!

(CAR HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- (TIRES SCREECH)

- (CRASHING)

(HARLEY EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

(YELLS)

Lousy, stinkin'...

- Stands me up for senior prom!

- (GRUNTING)

That's enough.

Dumps me for that shiksa with the big...

- Sorry, she's off her meds.

- Won't happen again.

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

But seriously, dude.

Sounds like you kinda had it coming.

Made my mother cry!

Was she worth it, douchebag?

Waited 1 O years to get that...

I was just...

But...

He...

Pull a stupid stunt like that again

and I'm dumping you off

at the nearest police station.

Oh, big whoop.

(IN A DEEP VOICE) "You're livin' under

my roof. You play by my rules."

(NORMAL VOICE) Is that it?

Newsflash, gruesome, you ain't my dad!

This isn't a game, Harley!

I need you to

stay focused on the job at hand.

Focus-shmocus!

You know, I'm starting to

re-think this whole deal.

Here I am helping you guys out,

pro-boner I might add,

and you gotta go

and get all mega control-freaky on me.

"Do this, don't do that. Sit up straight.

Brush after every meal.

"Don't bite your toenails.

"Keep your knees together

when you're wearing a dress."

Harley, there are lives at stake!

Oh, my God!

Yeah, yeah, the whole world's

going to plotz! I get it, I get it!

You think I'm just some dizzy airhead

that don't know nothin'.

Do you know what I am?

My punishment

for dropping out of med school.

(MIMICS BUZZER) Wrong! I'm the answer

to all your prayers, pally.

Take the Donnenfeld Expressway

to Bludhaven.

Come on. Trust me this time.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Okay, you really

want to stop the car this time.

Those Hawkgirl spicy wings

I had at Super-Babes

are doing a tango in my tummy.

Seriously, I'm dying back here.

Fine.

(FARTS)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

- Holy...

- It's not so bad.

Smells like... Discipline.

(FARTING)

Oh, man!

Batman, I'm begging you.

(HARLEY HUMMING)

I'll give you 10 bucks if you floor it

and don't look back.

(MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I know, it looks like a total dump,

but trust me, it is a total dump.

Howsomever, all the cool hench-people

hang out here.

Betcha dollars to donuts

Shrubby's inside.

Guy just loves to dance!

(LOUD CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

I have nightmares like this.

Not sure just how welcome we are here.

Oh, relax, you'll fit right in.

Try to look

a little less stick-up-your-assy.

(MIN AND MAX SINGING

"DON'T PULL YOUR LOVE")

Oh, look, I was right! There's Shrubby!

Hey, Shrubby!

Be right back.

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

Long time no see, Shrubby.

(CONTINUES suns-nus)

You still got the moves, Shrub.

Milk for the gentleman.

(LAUGHING)

(INAUDIBLE)

I gotta do somethin' for Shrubby

or there's no deal.

(CROWD MUTT ERNG)

(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING BLONDIE SONG

"HANGING ON THE TELEPHONE")

Hey, buddy, watch this!

No, man, don't do it!

(ALL CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

Wait.

(HARLEY CONTINUES SINGING)

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

Happy?

Thanks a heap, Shrub.

I got it, let's go.

You put a lot of our buddies

in the slammer, Bat-fink.

Only way you're getting out of here

is in a black plastic bag

with a zipper up the front.

- A body bag.

- He knows what it is!

Okay, boys...

Let's dance.

(CRASHING AND SCREAMING)

See, that was fun, right?

(CAR PHONE RINGING)

Go ahead, Watchtower.

Hey, Bats, it's Booster.

Got your emergency alert.

Hey, the thing is, most of

our heavy hitters are out near Rigel,

trying to stop a rogue comet,

or a black hole or something.

And a bunch of 'em are

at that christening at Aquaman's place,

and you know

the reception down there kinda sucks.

I only got a handful of guys

here on stand-by.

I could send... Let's see...

Black Condor?

Elongated Man?

Triumph?

Bloodwynd?

Or I could just come down myself,

give you guys a hand.

Not much goin' on up here,

and the foosbaH table's still busted.

That's all right, Booster.

Thanks anyway. We'll make do.

You sure? 'Cause it's no problem.

B'wana Beast can totally cover for me.

Sorry, Booster. Going under

some high-tension wires.

That sounds like paper.

Over and out.

(GROANS) That was too close.

HARLEY". We got any of them fries left?

(SQUEAKING)

You're just going to feel

a bit of pressure here, little fellow.

Everything's going to be just fine.

WOO D R U E:
It's working.

He's stable!

(EXCLAIMS DELIGHTEDLY)

Look how beautiful you are!

Come to mama, cutie pie.

It works. It works!

This is no ordinary leafy mouse,

but a harbinger of the new age!

The dead, grinding factories of man

will be replaced

by cathedrals of mighty redwoods!

A verdant, green, life-covered Earth

- will burst forth with...

- (GAS PS)

Ew!

"Subject response, negative."

Why isn't it working?

He's faking! He's not even trying!

Your persuasion kiss has worn off!

He's still under my control.

Harold, tell us what went wrong.

This is an incredibly complex azeotrope.

The virus conversion of the formula

works perfectly on paper.

There are literally millions of variables

that could be corrupting the process.

Take a guess, meat bag.

Well, guessing is hardly scientific,

but I suspect it may have something to do

with the fact that we've been

using plain old swamp water

from nearby Slaughter Swamp

for our experiments.

No, what we need

is the precise bio-nutrients and chemicals

from the water at the exact place

where the Swamp Thing was created.

The Weinwright Swamp in Louisiana.

Oh, for God's sake,

what a pain in the ass.

No, Pamela, no.

It's perfect, don't you see?

The lagoon feeds

directly into the Gulf of Mexico,

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