Batman and Harley Quinn Page #5

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(DRUMMING)

(SIGHS)

Look out! Ivy trap!

Come on. This way.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Harley!

(GRUNTING)

(HOWLING)

What are you doing?

Just what you expected me to do. Sucker.

Because it's Thursday.

Harley?

Hiya, sweetie! Look, sorry about before.

I had to make these jerks think

I was on their side

so I could bring 'em here

and wrap 'em up for ya,

so you can get on with your plan!

Nice, huh?

Pammie, honey,

you gotta give up this crazy plan.

It's really, really nutzoid. Please don't

turn us all into veggie people.

Gotta be another way.

You're tampering with things

man was never meant to know.

I'm sure I could put in

a good word for you at your trial,

'cause after all,

your heart's in the right place,

even if you did kill all those people.

But please give up your plan,

Pammie, sweetie, honey, baby.

Please, please, please give up your plan!

What? No! Harley, the Earth is dying.

I'm not destroying the world!

I'm saving it!

Saving it from the takers and the users.

We've been surrounded

by men like that all our lives.

But we can change them.

Trim them.

Shape them like a good gardener.

I don't want to do it. I have to do it.

Well, you can't blame a girl for tryin'.

(SCREECHING)

(ROARING)

Concentrated weed-killer.

I always keep some on hand

since the lollipop incident.

I thought we were friends!

Red, friends don't let friends

kill seven billion people.

- (G RU NTS)

- Uh-oh.

- (GRUNTING)

- (GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(YELLS)

- (GROANS)

- You really are an idiot, Harley.

We could've changed the world,

but you're too dumb to see that.

Oh. yeah?

Smart enough to take away

your spankin' stick.

Pretty cool, huh?

- (SNARLS)

- (EXCLAIMS)

No. That is cool.

You suck.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

- (SCREAMING)

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(GROANS)

(BEAM PULSATING)

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

(GUNSHOTS)

(BOTH STRUGGLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ROARING)

(YELLS)

(SCREAMS)

Seriously, Pammie,

your plan is totally bat-sh*t bonkers!

They're killing our world!

What else can I do?

I don't know.

Vote Democrat, give money to Greenpeace.

That's for saving whales, moron!

Whatever!

Anything's better than turning us all

into walkin' brussels sprouts!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(YELPS)

(YELPS)

(GROANING AND GRUNTING)

I can do this all night.

I don't have that kind of time.

(EXCLAIMS)

No fair!

(STRAINING)

That's it? The virus?

The solution.

To all the world's problems.

One way or another.

What's that supposed to mean?

My God, Pammie.

You haven't even tested it yet, have you?

Have you?

Batman said that if you get

just one teensy weensy thing wrong,

you could wind up

killing everything on the planet.

Everything, Pammie.

Plants, people, animals.

Everything.

It doesn't matter.

Earth will die anyway if I don't act.

I'm sorry, Harley,

but I have to roll these dice.

You're gonna make me do it, aren't you?

Well, when this is all over,

just remember,

I gave you a chance.

What are... No.

That's right, sweetie.

The nuclear option.

You promised me you'd never...

Harley, I'm warning you.

Don't you dare!

(CRYING)

I hate you so much.

Works every time. Phew!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Holy crap!

Pamela, have you...

So, this is where

your true allegiance lies.

With the cancerous meat.

We can't do this, Jason.

If we've made one miscalculation,

the whole Earth will die.

A small risk.

And one I'm more than willing to take.

Well, I'm not.

Pity.

(STRAINING)

Get him, Red!

(BOTH STRAINING)

(GRUNTING)

(WOODRUE WHIMPERS)

The plant world belongs to me!

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

Red!

Okay, fUQW-

You just bought yourself

a first-class beatin'.

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

(BATMAN AND NIGHTWING GROANING)

At last.

Humanity's lunatic reign is over!

No longer will this beautiful Earth

be ravaged by poison and ignorance.

No more will this be

a world of screaming meat!

(RUMBLING)

(wmo HOWLING)

ls... Is that...

Yes.

Swamp Thing.

Jason Woodrue.

The Earth has indeed suffered

at the hands of mankind.

However,

this is not the way to right the wrongs

done to Mother Gaea.

Though your cause is just,

your actions have upset

the balance in the Green.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Yes!

Watch, bet you he's gonna turn Plant Guy

into a stump or somethin'.

But it is not my place to judge.

Wait, what?

All will be as it will be.

I return now to the Parliament of Trees,

to seek the hidden truths

at the center of eternity.

No, no, no! Don't go!

To know unknowable nature

in all its infinite splendors.

Screw unknowable nature! Kick his butt!

Farewell.

Well, that was a big-ass

bucket of nothing!

(LAUGHING)

- Now what?

- There must be a way.

- I got...

- We've tried everything!

- The sonic disrupter barely fazed him!

- What about...

And the bio-feedback Batarangs

didn't do squat!

- Guys!

- BOTH:
What?

Look, you're pros here and all, but...

Well, he's all leafy and everything.

(WOODRUE CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Anybody got a match?

Aw, shucks.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(WOODRUE SCREAMING)

WESLEY". After my wife ran off

with the pizza delivery guy,

my OCD started flaring up again

really bad.

I've been getting up

six or seven times a night,

making sure

the windows and doors are locked.

(CATS MEOWING)

My boss is on my case all the time

about my productivity,

since I have a hard time peeing anywhere

but my home bathroom.

I lost my wife,

now I may lose my job, my house, my cats,

my collection of vintage toasters

and vacuum cleaners.

If I can't get this problem under control,

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It sounds to me

like you're a little bit blue.

Uh, yeah.

And that part about you being wee-wee shy,

oh, that's rough.

I had this cellmate at Arkham

with the same problem.

I says to her, "Sugar, we got a glass wall

and a toilet in the middle of the floor.

"Urine trouble!"

(LAUGHS)

Can you help me?

'Course I can, silly.

I'm a regular Dr. Quinn,

Medicine Person, ain't I?

I am legally required to remind you

that my doctorate is purely honorary,

and I am not a currently-accredited

mental health professional.

OKQY -

Well, Wessie. Okay if I call you "Wessie"?

- I... I don't really like...

- Well, Wessie,

you could clearly benefit from therapy.

I know I did.

But one thing I learned is that

you never get the most out of stuff

when it's just handed to you.

You gotta earn it. Right, everybody?

- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

- Now, as everybody knows,

the road to mental wellness

is paved with pitfalls.

But all you gotta do is make it

to that finish line way over there

to win a full year of therapy

from a real, honest-to-goodness shrink.

- (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

- (GROANS)

Come on, don't be like that.

I got faith in you, Wessie.

Time to turn your life around

and start feeling good

about yourself again.

On your mark, get set,

get healthy!

- (GRUNTING)

- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

- (YELLS)

- (AUDIENCE GROANS)

You have to look through the rain

to see the rainbow.

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