Baywatch Page #2

How does what look?

Down there.

Does not look good at all.

Yeah, what does it

look like?

Looks like your dick

is trapped between

two slats of wood.

Okay, I just...

F***, I can't reach it.

I just need you to get down

there and just pop it out.

No, I can't do that at all.

Come on, I just need you...

You grab that dick

and you push it out.

No, no.

Okay. Hi.

I'm going to

help you.

We're going to

deflate the situation

together. Okay?

Okay.

Focus.

Think about things

that turn you off.

Maybe like, um...

Like your grandma's

underwear?

Mmm-mmm. Not working.

No? Okay, cool.

Maybe, like...

Ostriches.

Guys, still stuck.

Mitch, hey, need you.

No, no, not Mitch.

Don't bring Mitch over.

Hey.

Hey, Mitch is here.

Ronnie, you pumped about

the qualifiers, buddy?

You know it, man.

I'm just, um... I'm really...

Really excited to quit

my double major in robotics

and computer science

and really, really do

something with my life.

You don't need

to look down there.

Do not touch me

right now.

Not even touching you.

Okay.

Wow. Okay.

Looks like you got

your beef

and your biscuits

stuck down there.

It's gonna be okay.

I've been through it, too.

Not a big deal.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

I was stuck in a woman

for hours once.

Couldn't get out.

Totally the same, yeah?

It's the same thing.

Stuck junk

is stuck junk.

Stuck junk

is stuck junk. Okay.

All right, buddy,

we're gonna have to, uh,

flash-freeze your Johnson.

No, no, it's okay,

it's okay, I got it.

Look, it's okay.

- Oh, my god.

- Nope. Still stuck.

I mean, if you think

about it, it's

a good thing, right?

Congratulations.

Hey, uh, how

you feeling, sport?

Better,

but could we get

some sort of perimeter

going for the crowd?

Nah. Nobody's looking.

Just us.

God, you're lying.

That's a lot of people.

Mitch, I can't get

the swelling to go down.

All right.

We're going to have

to pull it out.

- Pull it?

- Yeah.

Just like pulling

a tooth.

What?

Don't you touch

my dick!

I'm okay.

Ronnie,

are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm proud of you,

Ronnie.

F*** you, Dave.

You're my worst friend.

Captain, uh, I need to

talk to you about this...

Yeah, Mitch. Look,

you're just in time.

I want you to

watch something.

Check this out.

Matt Brody,

U.S. swimmer, sex symbol

and adrenaline junkie.

How do I define myself?

80% trill and 30% dope.

People think I'm crazy,

that I'm out of control.

How do you think

I got all this gold?

"Crazy

and out of control"

may have worked

for his individual events,

but when it came to the relay,

Brody blew it for the team.

Usa is in

the lead for the team relay

and Brody's in the water

to anchor.

Oh, my god!

Looks like he just

vomited in the pool.

After a night

of partying in rio

led to a streak of

bad luck in the pool,

Brody was dubbed

the "vomit comet."

How do you feel

about losing a medal

for your teammates?

There's no "i" in "team."

But there is a "me."

Are you dyslexic?

I'm Caucasian.

This is the guy you think

is a good PR opportunity

for us?

Wow. Right?

He's reckless,

he's insubordinate.

Come on.

Which is why

we can afford him.

Come on, Mitch.

The guy's only here

because

he took a plea deal.

A plea deal?

For what?

The specifics

aren't important.

What's important is that

we are his community service.

Come on. He's a train wreck.

With two gold medals.

How many gold medals

do you have?

Probably zero. Okay?

Brody is an American hero with

the face of a Swedish model.

You're losing me.

He's one of

the best swimmers

in the whole world.

There's more to this job

than just swimming.

You know that.

Yeah,

there's also politics.

Now, look, Mitch,

let's be honest.

We're staring into

the abyss here.

City council's already

cut our funding again.

What the council wants

and what the bay needs

are two different things.

I found more flakka

this morning.

Clearly, we have

new dealers in the bay.

And this sh*t is like

bath salts on meth.

Wow, flakka?

Good work, Mitch.

I'll turn this over

to the police.

Hey, look.

This new guy of yours?

He's not ready for

this kind of trouble.

He doesn't need to be,

and neither do you. Okay?

It's not your job.

It's the busiest time

of the year.

I need you out there

shining for me.

All right, I'll do it.

Yes!

But he's got to pass

qualifiers first.

You got it.

Which should be easy

considering he's the

"best swimmer in the world."

Right?

Good afternoon,

councilman.

Good afternoon.

So, how is our progress?

Most of the council has

signed off on your terms.

Good.

And the rest are

almost there.

"Almost"?

Ugh. Councilman,

you seem like the kind of

man who knows how to

seize an opportunity.

Me, too.

Back home,

my younger brother was given

the family business to run

when clearly

i had the business gene.

Why? Because I'm a woman.

So I came to America,

the land of opportunity,

because

everything is fair here.

But who's to say anymore?

I have a point to prove,

councilman.

And I'm here to create

an opportunity for you.

I'm sure

they'll come around.

I'm sure they will, too.

Why does she always

look like she's running

in slo-mo?

You see it, too?

She always looks wet.

But not too wet.

Right.

She's the reason

i believe in god.

Hey, how's your dick?

Oh, uh, it's good,

you know...

It's better,

you know...

It's just ready

for action.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I got my dick stuck

in a chair earlier.

What? You did?

Yeah.

You haven't heard

about this?

Yeah, I heard.

Everybody's heard.

All right.

Welcome, everybody.

You know, baywatch proudly

accepts only one new

recruit every year.

But the good news for you

is that this year,

we've got three open spots.

Now without further ado,

I'd like to turn it over

to the man

who has 500 career saves.

Give it up for

lieutenant Mitch buchannon.

All right,

thank you.

Thank you.

Baywatch is

the elite of the elite.

Our team's commitment

to protecting

the bay at all costs

is the reason why

the single mom behind me

feels very comfortable

letting her two kids run

right into the water

unaccompanied.

Thanks, Mitch.

That's right.

And baywatch works

because we follow rules.

We follow rules because

if we don't, people die.

You work in an office

and you doze off at your desk

one day, no big deal.

You slack off here...

Say it with me...

People die.

So here's the thing,

if you've come to baywatch

on your little motorcycle,

thinking you're cool,

trying to work on

your killer tan...

Well, you need to find

another beach to go to.

But if you've come

to sacrifice

for something

much bigger

than yourself,

this is the beach for you.

But you're gonna have to

get through this first. C.J.?

Yeah! C.J.!

There are tons of qualities

that make a great lifeguard.

Today, we're gonna

test all of them

in a grueling

obstacle course

we like to call

"the absentee father."

He's tough. Brutal, even.

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