Baywatch Page #7

Mcdreamy, get over here.

I need you to help me.

Oh, god, what?

Dude.

I need you

to check his taint

for needle marks.

You want me to check

his taint?

Don't be a baby.

Lift his scrotum.

Not touching

the man's scrotum.

Lift his ball sac

and check for

anything unusual.

There's... f***.

Oh, my god.

Dude, it's a taint,

man, it's a taint.

You didn't even look.

Ugh, my god.

Dude, there's been

gloves here literally

the entire time.

You didn't

even say anything.

Yeah... that...

Oh, I'm going in.

All right.

Tell me what you see.

Hair. Lots of hair.

Definitely not a groomer.

Get deeper.

Lift the balls up higher.

And get closer.

Oh, god, it stinks.

I don't know, man.

There's a big something.

There's something.

Oh, there is a hole.

That's just his butthole.

Smile.

Good job, doc.

I'm posting that.

Do not post that.

The Internet is forever.

It's just a handful

of ball sac.

It's disgusting.

Oh, god.

Dude,

i can't take you seriously

when the dick is out.

Can you please just

cover the dick?

You cover the dick.

I'm busy.

All right,

check this out.

Cervical fractures

of the fifth, sixth

and seventh vertebrae.

That's how

he was killed.

Broken neck.

So, what?

That could have

happened any time.

I mean, you jumped off

the boat with him, right?

You can literally swan dive

down a flight of stairs

and not break that

many vertebrae.

This was done on purpose.

Why has no one else

figured this out?

What are you talking about?

Figured what out?

Broken neck in

multiple places.

No smoke in his lungs,

which probably means he died

before that boat

was even on fire.

The reason why

no one has figured

this out?

It's murder.

And someone's

covering it up.

Holy sh*t.

In which case,

I should go

interrogate

those girls.

No, those girls were too high.

They don't remember anything.

All the more reason

to investigate.

Oh, sh*t.

Someone's coming.

Hide. Hide!

Put him away.

What do we do now?

Now we hide.

Hide? Where?

I don't like

confined spaces.

This was a bad idea.

Stop being a baby.

Oh, my god!

Shut your mouth.

You're gonna get us caught.

I'm laying on

a dead old lady.

Well,

she's not going to bite you,

for Christ's sakes.

Will you shut up?

Our drawers are empty.

Why'd you pick

that drawer?

I'm the only one with

a body in my drawer?

Shh. Shut up!

She smells like

cheese toast and chowder.

Holy Christ.

You just tickled

another man's taint.

Who gives a sh*t right now?

This was a bad...

Something just

dripped on me.

Shut your mouth.

What is it?

It's all right.

Oh, my god.

It did it again.

Nothing's dripping on me.

Listen to me.

Formaldehyde melts fat.

What?

That's what's

dripping on your face,

necrotic liquid fat.

Now will you

shut the f*** up?

What the f***

did you just say?

Just sit back and shut up.

Shh. Stop complaining.

Guys, someone's coming.

Be quiet.

It's him.

Rodriguez.

It is him.

You got the fake files?

Relax.

We're only here

'cause you broke

his f***ing neck.

It's all good.

God damn it.

Keep it together.

No!

Oh, sh*t.

That's it! I'm out!

No. God damn it!

Sh*t!

F***.

What do we do?

Hey, gentlemen.

Now that that's over,

I'm gonna need those files.

Sh*t.

That must be my phone.

I probably left it

in the, uh, nap room.

Sh*t.

F***. Give me that phone.

Sh*t!

No, lifeguard.

That was

a cheap shot, man!

Damn it.

That guy's

got my phone.

I'll get the car.

All right, meet us

on the far side of

the park!

Give me the phone.

Mister, get off!

Hey, Mitch,

take this one.

Yeah. Thanks, Mikey.

Hey, man,

this is a wake-free zone!

Hey! Oh!

Hi, honey.

I'm going to go get

rid of the bad man

that's in your house.

Mmm. Eat your food.

Why is he here?

I'm gonna need that phone.

This phone?

Whoops.

F*** your phone.

Oh, you're going

night-night, b*tch.

I'm a pig.

Whoa, whoa, wait!

Hey, hey.

No baby pictures.

Have some class.

You're right.

It's bath time, shithead.

All right, ellerbee,

what did we learn

from the perps

after the interrogation?

The only perps

here are you three.

Okay, you turned the canals

into the goddamned x games.

Yeah, that's

'cause we were in

lifeguard pursuit.

Oh, okay. My bad.

Except for there's

no f***ing such thing

as "lifeguard pursuit"!

Police do pursuits!

When you do it, it's

just some guys chasing

some other guys.

No offense.

None taken.

Hey, what are you saying?

You're just gonna let

those guys walk?

Okay, um, how do

i explain this so that

you people understand?

"You people"?

"You people"?

Oh, you don't get

to say that.

You're just tan.

Right on.

Come on, brother.

Look, even if

you were police,

which you're not,

and even if this was

your jurisdiction,

which it isn't,

and even if you had

probable cause to pursue,

which you

definitely don't,

what you did would

still be totally illegal.

Okay, well, I mean,

it's a good thing

we're not police, then.

It's like you

purposely only hear

1% of what I say.

Mitch, did you pull

Brody off the beach

to break into

the medical examiner's

office earlier today?

Yeah, you bet I did.

Absolutely,

100% and here's why.

The councilman's

boating accident was

no accident at all.

He had no smoke

in his lungs,

his neck was broken

in multiple places.

Which means he was

probably dead before that

boat even caught on fire.

And our investigation

has found that all

of this shady sh*t

leads right back

to the Huntley.

You don't do investigations.

You're lifeguards.

Police do

investigations.

When you do it,

it's just a bunch of guys

investigating

another bunch of guys.

No offense,

you're included in that.

None taken.

Do you have any proof

of this conspiracy?

Yeah, absolutely. We read

the coroner's report.

It's all in there

before those other

guys switched it.

Yeah, and I recorded

the whole thing

on my cell phone.

Where's

the cell phone?

They destroyed it.

Oh. Okay.

So the only evidence that

you had was destroyed.

Exactly.

All the evidence... pfft!

Gone. Doesn't exist.

They're bad guys

and they don't

want us to have it.

Okay.

Let me try to explain

this to you

in a way that

you people

can understand.

"You people"?

There it is again.

Hey, hey. Be cool.

There it is again.

Just trying

to figure out

what the f*** was

with "you people."

All right, now, look.

Leave law enforcement

to the police. Okay?

And you guys just do the jobs

that I hired you to do.

You remember?

The lifeguarding stuff.

Splish, splash.

Otherwise, I'll fire you.

Now I gotta go clean up

this mess that you made.

Boom.

Obviously,

you have every reason to

be upset, and I apologize.

So,

do you always do the opposite

of what people ask you to do?

Because I don't know, man,

it looks clear to me.

Nice and quiet.

No, man, you got

to look closer. I knew it.

Flynn's seafood company.

What about

Flynn's seafood company?

They're the ones who

supply all the fish to

the Huntley club, right?

Rate this script:3.2 / 6 votes