Bean Page #5

Bean's old G.P.O. phone has one on its dial.

BEAN looks across to his TEDDY, who is lounging on a miniature chair,

inside an up-sided cardboard box. The box is sits on an armchair. A

hand-written sign, taped to its roof reads: 'TEDDY HOTEL' followed by

three stars.

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A smaller sign informs us that the hotel is: 'FULL'. BEAN is just

about to leave but stops to consider. Taking a felt tipped pen, he

adds two more stars on the hotel hoarding, as a treat.

He then, slightly, incomprehensibly, begins to tie string it around

various objects in the flat. The fridge - the corner of a chair, a

couch leg.

CUT TO:

INT. MR. BEAN'S RESIDENCE'S HALLWAY ~ DAY

BEAN leaves his flat. lee notice a large official sign stuck on the

door saying 'NO SMOKING". He now turns his attention to the pieces of

string hanging out the letter box in his door. Grabbing the bunch of

them, he pulls.

CUT TO back inside the flat. we now understand the string - as all the

furniture starts to move across the flat. It works incredibly neatly

the chair reaches the door

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BEAN acts fast. He takes the cigar - and quickly dunks it in the old

woman's cup of tea.

He sits there, guiltlessly, as the Grand Man returns. Simultaneously,

the man tries to suck the wet cigar, and the Old woman drinks the

disgusting tea. A horrid experience for both.

CUT TO:

INT. AEROPLANE - DAY.

Boarding time. BEAN enters the plane and turns right, into the body of

the plane. After walking right down the plane, he is directed by a

hostess back up to first. As he walks back, we notice the' ridiculous

contrast, from totally cramped accommodation with hundreds of children

and muzak, to the elegance, and space of First class.

BEAN couldn't be more thrilled. There follows a sequence of short

moments from this nightmare flight.

1/ The Old Tea-Drinking Lady is being helped with her ,luggage. A

hostess slides it into the compartment above her head.

OLD LADY:

Be careful. It's for my Grand-daughter.

The next instant BEAN comes up with his case. He opens the same

locker, and tries to fit his case in. Doesn't quite go - so he pushes

it violently. We hear crunching cracking sounds. Finally, it's almost

there - BEAN slams the locker door. One final definitive, though

muffled, smash. The OLD LADY looks at BEAN suspiciously.

2/ BEAN sits down - and who should be his next door neighbour? The

Grand Man, whose name is REYNOLDS. BEAN smiles merrily. The affection

is not mutual.

Champagne comes round instantly. BEAN takes it, along with a small

bowl of nuts, and clinks glasses with his unsmiling partner. BEAN

tries to impress him by throwing nuts up into the air and catching them

in his mouth (a well practised art). No response.

BEAN then switches on the noisy overhead air blower. Then can't turn

it down again. It's very stuck. He manages however to push it away

from his face - straight into REYNOLDS' . REYNOLDS looks annoyed, BEAN

guiltless.

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Then 'BEAN has an idea. He takes a tissue out of his pocket, puts in

his mouth, chews it into a spitball

And rams it into the blower. Both of them are relieved. REYNOLDS

picks up his champagne to have his first proper sip. And whapp! The

spitball, under high pressure, shoots

into it, sending champagne spraying all over REYNOLDS. Not a good

start.

3/--BEAN is reading the in-flight magazine. There's an annoying sound.

He looks sideways - it is the headphones of the YOUNG BOY in the seat

across the aisle. He's fallen asleep with his headphones on. BEAN

looks annoyed. Then suddenly decides to cut his fingernails with a

little pair of scissors he carries. He holds out his hand to snip the

nail - and accidentally on purpose simply cuts the wire of the boy's

headset. That's better.

4/ Night. Wide shot of the plane - everyone is asleep except one pool

of light. It's Mr BEAN still up, reading.

But even he is wilting. His eyes close, and his body starts to waver

towards sleep. Next to him, REYNOLDS is in a total lying position -

and unfortunately, as BEAN slowly tips over, his mouth comes into

direct contact with REYNOLDS' flies.

From across the compartment, a hostess sees what's happening. She's

shocked, comes over and taps BEAN on the ,,shoulder. He shoots up, and

nearly strangles her in shock. She calms him down, shows him how to

put his chair back - and leaves him to sleep. CUT ON....

5/ REYNOLDS still asleep. With BEAN asleep completely on top of him.

Completely. His hand is spread on REYNOLDS' face. REYNOLDS' eyes

open. He sees what's happened. His arm goes up and rings for the

Hostess.

6/ Morning has broken. REYNOLDS is still trying to sleep - BEAN is

wide awake. The Hostess approaches, and the MOTHER of the YOUNG BOY

says her son isn't very well.

BEAN decides to cheer him up. He mimes an aeroplane which makes the

boy feel more ill. Then does a rather good lizard impersonation by

sticking bits of paper to his tongue and eye-lids and fluttering them.

He then brings out a scrunched up bag of Dolly Mixtures and does his

trick of throwing a sweet in the air and catching it in his mouth. The

boy is too ill to be impressed.

BEAN tries to cheer him up with his imaginary gun pretending to be a

cowboy and then a tough American Cop. Nothing. Then he has an

extremely fun idea. He empties the Dolly Mixtures from the paper bag

and pockets them.

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He then blows up the empty bag and is about to pop it to wake REYNOLDS,

when he sees it's got a hole in it. No fun.

Meanwhile, the Boy has taken out his sick-bag. BEAN is delighted -

yes, that's perfect. He turns away for a split second to scrunch up

the useless bag, while, unseen to him, the boy vomits into his bag.

BEAN turns, grabs the bag from him - blows into it, puts it right into

REYNOLDS' face at arms length, and smacks his hands together. CUT at

just the right moment.

CUT TO:

INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. ARRIVALS - NIGHT

The traditional exit area. A random bunch of people are waiting -

relatives, limousine drivers - and, rather strangely, three 30 year old

women dressed in curly red wigs from the musical, 'Annie'.

The LEARYS are at the barrier. KEVIN has a cardboard sign with 'MR.

BEAN' written on it. People are streaming out of the Arrivals gate.

ALISON is not happy. Actually no one is. JENNIFER looks particularly

fed up.

DAVID:

For all you know, he may be a very attractive young man.

JENNIFER:

Oh come on - the guy's going to be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly.

DAVID:

What makes you say that?

JENNIFER:

All the guys they claim are English to and good-looking like Dan Day-

Lewis and Liam Neeson, turn out to be Irish. Even Anthony Hopkins is

welsh. Prince Charles is so ugly they pay him two million bucks a year

to stay indoors.

DAVID:

Richard Burton was very good-looking.

JENNIFER:

Welsh.

DAVID:

Sean Connery.

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ALISON:

Scottish.

DAVID:

Tom Jones?

JENNIFER:

Welsh again.

DAVID:

Okay, so the guy's gonna look like Meatloaf's backside. No-one's

asking you to go to bed with him.

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