Beautiful Page #2

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And here they are, the beautiful

1986 Miss American Miss contestants.

Where are my cigarettes?

- Here. I made these for us.

- Thanks.

I just bought a pack of smokes.

Damn it!

I cannot watch this beauty crap.

I do not know where

your damn cigarettes are.

From the great state of Texas,

we have Pam Seal.

You wouldn't know it,

but this blond beauty is a bronc rider.

She can tame a wild beast,

and she can treat them.

She's studying to be a vet

at Lubbock State.

Miss New Mexico,

Lucy Ann Miranda.

Lucy's hobbies are

aerobics and spelunking.

But she gets her greatest rewards

from working with the terminally ill.

- Would you turn that down?

- She says it makes her feel alive.

Virginia Sue Walker, Miss Florida.

Virginia, or Ginny Sue

as she likes to be called...

loves to scuba dive.

The second runner-up

is Miss North Carolina...

Cheryl Lynn Kennan!

Our first runner-up...

If Miss Nevada's first runner-up,

Miss Texas has got it.

Miss Nevada, Michelle Willis.

This makes our 1992

Miss American Miss...

Miss Texas, Mindy Jo Gilbert!

It's always Miss Texas.

I've been looking for work.

I'm just overqualified.

Stand up.

Everywhere I go, they say--

That's the second year in a row

a dancer's won.

It's statistically proven.

Singing and dancing and having

a platform to do with children...

and getting choked up

during the interview.

It's the only way to go.

- May I, please?

- Mona, what are you doing?

- You need a new look.

- A new look? I like my hair.

Come on, Laura Ingalls.

It's so over.

Look.

So what do you think?

I think you need

to learn to dance and sing.

Inside, and one, two...

back, three, four...

and five, six, seven, eight.

And one and two...

and three, drop, four...

over, five, six...

seven, eight.

Baby, come here.

You can invite Martin in.

He doesn't have to wait outside.

That's not Martin. That's Joey.

- What happened to Martin?

- He got on my nerves.

They sure come and go quickly.

Hurry. Let's fit this

so Joey can drive me home.

Are you all right?

Must be nerves.

Yeah, must be.

You got everything?

We got interview, evening...

bathing suit and

your outfit for talent.

Do you want some crackers

for the bus?

Animals love me.

Jo Jo, I thought you were doing

an interpretative jazz routine...

to "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

"Bicycle Built For Two"

while I'm twirling my fire baton.

I'm twirling a fire baton while I do

an interpretative jazz routine...

to "Bicycle Built For Two,"

and you knew that.

I told you that at registration.

What a shame.

Thank goodness I'm going first.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our first contestant...

in the Miss Naperville County

beauty pageant...

Jo Jo Oberschmidt.

Good, good, good luck to you.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

It's hot.

I like this one.

I'm so glad I could be here

to help, you know?

This could have been

an absolute tragedy.

It could.

Oh, my goodness.

This is an outrage.

Grab her.

You remember Alexandra Valente?

You remember Alexandra Valente?

When she tripped up Princess O'Mahoney,

nobody said anything.

And her nose has never

been the same since.

She works at Rite-Aid now.

The one on Pratt Street?

Can you help?

They say it's the fourth scandal

I've been involved in.

Give me a handle.

They never proved anything.

Everything will be all right.

I can't compete

in the county anymore.

We'll move to a different county.

It's gonna be fine.

- Even if we move, I can't.

- You can. We'll figure it out.

- We won't.

- We will.

I'm pregnant.

You should have a flaming act too.

That would do it, dear.

It's not gonna be fine.

Rule number five in the handbook.

Mothers and legal guardians

are ineligible.

You know, I needed to win tonight.

I needed the money.

I needed it.

Now I don't know what the hell

I'm going to do.

I always loved the circus,

didn't you, Mona?

Yes, Mrs. Stillwell.

I think I'll join it.

- Stop this.

- It's over.

Listen to me.

I will figure it out.

We've made it through a lot of stuff,

and we'll make it through this.

Do you remember when

Verna Chickles accused you...

of cutting the rear end out

of Kelly Megan's swimsuit...

in the Miss Tiny Little Darling

Princess pageant?

You thought your career

was over then...

and it wasn't.

So we're gonna make it

through this, okay?

Now let me see that smile.

Let me see it.

Nope. That's not the one

I wanna see.

I wanna see

that Miss American Miss smile.

There it is.

That's it. That's the one

I was looking for.

Mother.

Mother!

Mom?

Mom.

Mom!

Mother!

Mom, I gotta go! Now!

- Wait, sweetie.

- The winner...

- Your Aunt Mona's up there. See?

- Miss Illinois for 2000...

Yeah, I see,

but I still got to pee.

to represent Illinois

at the Miss American Miss pageant...

to represent Illinois

at the Miss American Miss pageant...

later this year is...

Miss Dupage County,

Mona Hibbard!

Oh, my God!

She did it. She won.

I'm sorry. Did I poke you?

Look, sweetie,

she's being crowned Miss Illinois.

Congratulations, Mona.

What a surprise, huh?

How many judges did you do

to win this pageant?

Everyone except your daddy.

His dick was too small.

Isn't she lovely,

ladies and gentlemen?

Twenty-six-year-old Miss Dupage County,

Mona Hibbard!

Thank you. I can't believe this.

Would you stop? Your face

is gonna get stuck like that.

Vanessa, sweetheart,

eat your dinner.

Put the crown on her head.

Every little girl

wants to be a beauty queen.

Not me. I want to be

a professional soccer player.

Get this thing off me.

- Ruby, make her put it on.

- Leave it on, Vanessa.

It's like mine.

It's sweet. Let me see.

Just look at me.

It's cute.

You know what?

I bet Grandma's smiling

down from heaven right now.

- I wish she could have been here.

- I know.

So my mom never showed, did she?

I didn't see her.

No one gives a sh*t about the state

thing, but it counts in the big one.

When they cut to the family in that

little box on the side of the screen...

she's got to be there.

Your mother's got

to get in a little box?

99.9% of all Miss American Misses

had their parents in the audience...

except Brianna Donna Macomb,

1 97 1 , remember?

She was an orphan.

- The interview went really well.

- Did it?

They especially liked the part

where I got choked up and said...

good parenting begins at home--

What is your problem?

Aren't you ever going

to take that stuff off?

Everyone's staring at you.

Yeah, because I'm pretty.

If people were to see me

without my crown and sash...

it would be really

upsetting for them.

- Now, give me one of those fries.

- Hey! That's mine!

- You're gonna get fat.

- I am not.

- Uh-huh.

- Am not.

Don't tease her.

This is my last French fry

until after the big contest...

which is exactly two months

and nine days from now.

Excuse me.

Are you Miss Illinois?

Why, yes, I am.

Could my little girl

have your autograph, please?

Sure! First one.

- Is this your daughter?

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