Beavis and Butt-Head Do America Page #10

DUMB GUY:

(to B&B)

Uh, hey. One of you kids got a match?

BUTT-HEAD

(dehydrated)

Uh, my butt and your...uh, butt.

INT. B&B'S HOME - DAY

Peaceful. Empty. Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents break in, guns

ready, searching every corner. They tear it apart.

EXT. B&B'S TOWN/STREETS - DAY

Agents rush down the business streets. People are in a panic. It's

like an invasion.

ANGLE ON ELITE MOTOR LODGE - ON B&B'S TV SET as agents rush by,

knocking it over with a crash.

INT. VAN DRIESSEN'S CLASS - DAY

Guitar in hand, Van Driessen sings:

VAN DRIESSEN:

She flies so gracefully,

over rocks, trees and sand. Soaring over

cliffs and gently

floating down to land.

She proudly lifts her voice

to sound her mating call.

And soon her mate responds

by singing... "Caw, Caw, Caw."

Come with me, Lesbian Seagull.

Settle down and rest with me...

Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents crash into the room. The door

bashes in, knocking Van Driessen down hard and crushing his

guitar.

Flemming enters. Behind him, McVicker.

McVICKER

Uh...uh...uh that's him. He's their

teacher.

VAN DRIESSEN:

What's going on here?

FLEMMING:

I'll ask the questions. Are these your

students?

He shows a picture of B&B.

VAN DRIESSEN:

I assume you're a government agent. I

would think you would know there's

something in this country called due

process.

FLEMMING:

That's about the kind of talk I'd expect

from the guy who taught these two. Take

this scum away.

VAN DRIESSEN:

I believe I'm supposed to be read my

Miranda Rights...

An agent interrupts, punching Van Driessen in the gut. He's taken

away. Flemming turns menacingly to McVicker.

McVICKER

I...I...I always knew they were no good.

I... I... I hate them!

FLEMMING:

(to McVicker)

You've been harboring two criminal

masterminds!

Bork rushes up to Flemming with a paper.

BORK:

Chief, you know that guy whose camper they

were whacking off in?

FLEMMING:

(appalled)

Bork! You are a federal agent. You

represent the United States Government...

Never end a sentence with a preposition.

Try again.

BORK:

Oh, ah... You know that guy in whose

camper they... I mean that guy off in

whose camper they were whacking?

FLEMMING:

That's better. Yes?

BORK:

We've run a sample through the National

Criminal Sperm Bank and come up with two

possible genetic matches for a father.

(holds up photos)

TIGHT ON PHOTO. It's the DUMB GUY and DUMBER GUY from the desert.

BORK (O.S./CONT.)

Former Motley Crue members turned

drifters.

Flemming takes the paper and marches off. Others follow.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DESERT - NIGHT

B&B and the Dumn abd Dumber Guys are sitting around a campfire.

The Dumb Guy looks like an older, more stupid, version of Butt-

Head. The Dumber Guy is a couple of evolutionary scales down from

Beavis. Their relationship is an exaggerated version of B&B's.

Butt-Head is staring at the Dumb Guy in admiration. Beavis, like

the Dumber Guy, appears to be just staring at the fire,

hypnotized. Dumb Guy is eating spaghetti out of a can.

BUTT-HEAD

You were a roadie for Motley Crue?

DUMB GUY:

(mouth full)

Yup. Huh huh.

BEAVIS:

Fire.

DUMB GUY:

Here's another true story. About fifteen

years ago, we stopped in this, uh, toilet,

called Highland...

BUTT-HEAD

Really? That's where we're from.

DUMB GUY:

Well, then you know what I'm talking

about. Anyway, here's the story. I

scored with these two chicks. True story.

BUTT-HEAD

You scored with two chicks?!

DUMB GUY:

(spaghetti dribbling from mouth)

Yeah, they were sluts. Huh huh huh.

DUMBER GUY:

Ih hih hih hih hih hih.

Dumb Guy punches Dumber Guy in the head with a closed fist.

DUMB GUY:

Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score. I

scored with both of them...

BUTT-HEAD

Uh, do you think these two sluts still

live in Highland? That would be cool.

DUMB GUY:

(after taking another big bite)

Hey, you wanna see something really cool?

Huh huh huh.

Dumb Guy gets up, turns his butt towards the fire and starts to

drop his pants.

EXT. DESERT/LONG SHOT - CONTINUOUS

The campfire is in the distance, middle of nowhere. A flatulant

sound is heard. Suddenly, a big beautiful purple and orange

fireball erupts, lighting up the sky.

B&B/DUMB GUY/DUMBER GUY (O.S.)

Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.

BEAVIS (O.S.)

Fire.

EXT. DESERT - MORNING

B&B wake up. The Dumb Guy and Dumber Guy are gone. The sun is

scorching.

B&B inch forward - spent, dehydrated, near death.

ANGLE ON GROUND as B&B collapse into frame. Butt-Head looks up at

the sun, squinting.

BUTT-HEAD

(barely alive)

The sun sucks.

A vulture picks at Beavis' shirt. Beavis SMACKS the vulture.

BEAVIS:

(to the vulture)

Cut it out butt-hole!

The vulture moves revealing a PEYOTE CACTUS. Beavis looks at it.

BEAVIS (CONT.)

Hey Butt-Head, isn't there supposed to be

like, water in cactuses?

BUTT-HEAD

(semiconscious)

Uh...

Beavis takes a bite of the cactus, chews and then coughs.

BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)

(sees something)

Hey Beavis, check it out.

IN FRONT OF B&B: Two vultures start humping.

B&B

(struggling to laugh)

Huh huh huh (cough) huh huh (cough).

EXT. ROADBLOCK - DAY

START ON SUN - over B&B?

REVEAL it's over Muddy who looks at a picture of B&B held by an

A.T.F. agent.

MUDDY:

No, I can't say I've seen 'em. I sure hope

it's safe to drive around here.

COP:

Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main

roads. If they're around, they're probably

hiding out in the desert.

MUDDY:

That's good to know, Officer.

Muddy takes off with a smile and turns off onto a side road.

EXT. DESERT - LATER

B&B barely crawling forward. Butt-Head stops, then Beavis. They're

barely able to talk.

BEAVIS:

Hey Butt-Head, are we gonna die?

BUTT-HEAD

Uh, probably, huh huh...Whoa, I think my

life is like, flashing in front of my

eyes!

BUTT-HEAD'S VISION. Through time-lapse dissolves we see him

sitting on his couch with Beavis, laughing like an idiot in the

exact same positions at age 2, 5, 7, 10, 13.

BUTT-HEAD

Whoa, my life is cool!

TIGHT ON BEAVIS:

BEAVIS:

Uh... I think I'm seeing something too.

It's like a really long time ago...

BEAVIS' VISION:
Beavis as a sperm cell swimming through a uterus.

It's a sperm cell with the face of Beavis on it.

BEAVIS/SPERM

Yeah, heh heh. This is gonna be cool.

Beavis/Sperm swims over to the egg.

With its own tail the Beavis/Sperm starts picking its nose.

BEAVIS/SPERM (CONT.)

Hey, how's it goin'? Heh heh heh.

Several other sperm charge in, knocking Beavis into the egg. His

conception looks like a dumb accident.

BACK ON BEAVIS:

BEAVIS:

Yeah, heh heh I scored.

Animated bubbles appear around Beavis' head.

BEAVIS (CONT.)

Hey Butt-Head, I'm starting to feel weird.

I think I'm freaking out.

BUTT-HEAD

Huh? Huh huh.

BEAVIS:

Whoa, this is cool! Heh heh. It's like,

everything looks all weird and...

BEAVIS' P.O.V. OF BUTT-HEAD: His face starts to warp and colors

start shifting.

BEAVIS (CONT.)

...and... Whoa!...and it's like there's

all these weird shapes and it's sort of

like,...it's like...like a MUSIC VIDEO!!!

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