Beavis and Butt-Head Do America Page #9

B&B

Huh huh huh huh huh huh.

INSERT:
A RED LINE snakes through a map to Rancho Taos, New

Mexico.

EXT. MISSION OF ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI CHURCH - DAY

A beautiful old adobe-style church. Nuns exit the bus, excited,

followed by B&B who look around.

The nuns walk into a visitor center. B&B walk right into the

church.

INT. CHURCH - DAY

In a WIDE SHOT we see B&B walk in, look around and head for the

CONFESSION BOOTHS.

BEAVIS:

Check it out Butt-Head, porta-potties.

BUTT-HEAD

Cool, huh huh.

B&B each enter a confession booth on the priest's side.

INT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - LATER

WIDE EST. SHOT shows that a confessional service has begun.

INT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH/CONFESSION BOOTH - DAY

We see a man nervously confessing. This seems difficult for him.

MAN:

(about to cry)

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

I,...I...I slept with a woman, and...

From the priest's side of the confessional we hear Butt-head. The

man can't see him.

BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)

Huh huh huh, really? Was she naked?

MAN:

Well, yes Father. Please forgive me. I...

BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)

Cool, huh huh huh. Could you like, see her

b*obs?

ANGLE INSIDE ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL

MAN #2

(confused)

How many Hail Marys?

BEAVIS (O.S.)

A thousand! Yeah, heh heh hmm. And I want

you to hit yourself. Right now!

MAN #2

Now?!

BEAVIS (O.S.)

Yeah! Heh heh hmm heh. DO IT!

From outside the confession booth, we hear the sound of a SMACK.

BEAVIS (O.S./CONT.)

Harder! Heh heh. Again! Heh heh. You need

to straighten up!

EXT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - DAY

As B&B board the bus they are STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

INSERT:
A RED LINE snakes further down into Arizona.

EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY

This establishes.

INT. PETRIFIED FORESTS VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY

B&B stare at an exhibit, riveted. The nuns watch them. A recording

plays.

RECORDING (V.O.)

Welcome to the Petrified Forest. The

world's largest site of petrified wood.

B&B

Huh huh huh huh wood.

The Mother Superior makes a signal the other nuns were waiting

for. They all rush back to the bus, leaving B&B behind.

RECORDING (V.O.)

You may wonder, how can wood get so hard?

B&B

Huh huh huh huh huh huh.

Through the window, we see the bus drive away.

ANGLE ON AN OLD RANGER behind a counter, looking at B&B. He sees

their A.T.F. photo nearby and reaches for a phone.

EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY

MONTAGE SONG ENDS.

B&B step outside. Nearby, a tourist car pulls up.

BEAVIS:

Hey, where'd those chicks go?

BUTT-HEAD

Uh... I think you scared them off.

BEAVIS:

This sucks. What are we doing here?

Weren't we suppost'a go to Washington and

score or something?

From the car, a tourist couple heads into the building.

BUTT-HEAD

(to couple)

Uh, do you know where Washington is?

TOURIST MAN:

Yeah, 'bout 2000 miles that way.

He points to the desert, then continues into the building.

BUTT-HEAD

Cool. Huh huh huh.

B&B walk off into the desert.

EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST TOURIST CENTER - LATER

The place is crawling with A.T.F. Flemming walks out with Bork

and the OLD RANGER.

FLEMMING:

Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see

their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried

to stop them?

OLD RANGER:

The most dangerous guys in America? Not

me, Sonny. I make nine dollars an hour.

FLEMMING:

National security is the responsibility of

every American. Bork...

BORK:

Cavity search...?

FLEMMING:

Deep and hard.

Agents lead the old Ranger away.

FLEMMING (CONT.)

They're not gonna get away this time. I

want roadblocks. Every road outta here for

two hundred miles.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

IN MONTAGE SHOTS:

A.T.F. agents put up roadblocks.

Agents load guns.

Agents pile up sandbags and prepare for battle.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

WIDE SHOT. A wasteland. Scorching desert hear. B&B, small in

frame, look lost. They're parched, weak.

BEAVIS:

This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.

BUTT-HEAD

This desert is stupid. They need to put a

drinking fountain out here.

BEAVIS:

Yeah or like a Seven-Eleven or

something... Are we almost there?

BUTT-HEAD

Uh, probably like, another five minutes or

something.

ANGLE FROM OVERHEAD. Lost, alone, B&B wobble like they haven't

long to live. Overhead, vultures circle.

ANGLE ON B&B, exhausted, spent. Staring ahead, Butt-Head suddenly

sees something.

BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)

Whoa! Check it out!

Beavis clears his eyes and sees it too.

B&B

Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh.

Excited, saved, they rush weakly forward.

B&B'S P.O.V. REVEALS they rush to: A GIANT BIG SCREEN TV.

BEAVIS:

Turn it on! Turn it on!

As they get closer it disappears - just a mirage.

BUTT-HEAD

Uh...

BEAVIS:

Dammit!!!! Dammit!!!!

ANGLE ON SUN, brightening. The FRAME WHITES OUT.

EXT. ROADBLOCK - DAY

Cars are backed up into the horizon.

The car up front is waved on. Up next: Tom and Marcy. An agent

steps over and shows the picture of B&B.

TOM:

Something wrong, Officer?

AGENT:

Sir, we're looking for these two

fugitives.

ANDERSON SQUINTS to see.

HIS P.O.V. REVEALS the photo out of focus.

ANDERSON:

Why I'll be danged. It's those boys been

whackin' off in my camper...

AGENT:

You saw these two?

ANDERSON:

I sure did. They were whackin' off in my

tool shed. Then whackin' off in my camper.

I never seen so much whackin' off.

The agent steps back and shouts into his walkie-talkie:

AGENT:

Blue Den this is post nine! I have

positive ID!! (to Tom) Sir, I'm gonna have

to ask you and your wife to step out of

the vehicle.

ANDERSON:

Well you see, me and the missus are on our

way to Washington. We got this schedule...

The agent pulls his gun and orders:

AGENT:

Now!!!!

EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY/JUST OFF ROADBLOCK - DAY

A BIT LATER. Agents swarm over Tom's camper, turning everything

upside, pulling out dishes, trashing everything.

TOM:

(furious)

Now wait right there. You're dealing with

a veteran of two foreign wars. They're the

ones been whacking off. If I find anything

broken in there, you and I are gonna

tangle!

An A.T.F. agent smashes the micro on the ground and sifts through

the pieces.

Nearby, Flemming and Hurley watch.

FLEMMING:

(appalled)

Masturbating in a man's camper! We're

dealing with two sick individuals. I want

that camper torn apart, full cavity

searches all around.

SNAP! SFX as Agent Hurley puts on her rubber gloves and leads Tom

and Marcy away.

Agent Bork runs up to Flemming.

BORK:

Chief - just came in! Two days ago,

Express Airways had a disturbance by

someone calling himself - Cornholio. Guess

who matches the description?

He holds up a police sketch of Cornholio. Flemming walks to a

nearby chopper. SOUND of engine revving. Others follow.

FLEMMING:

Finally, a real break. Get me that

flight's point of origin. We're gonna kick

some ass.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

B&B walk along in the scorching heat. Ahead of them they see a

DUMB GUY and a DUMBER GUY with motorcycles parked. They are trying

to start a camp fire, LAUGHING.

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