Beavis and Butt-Head Do America Page #12

EXT. HIGHWAY/CRASH SITE - DAY

B&B walk along looking at the wreckage.

BUTT-HEAD

Whoa, this kicks ass! Huh huh huh.

MARTHA (O.S.)

Yoo-hoo! Travis and Bob Head. Whoo-hoo!

The tour bus stands nearby. Martha calls from the window.

BEAVIS:

Hey Butt-Head it's that chick!

BUTT-HEAD

Uh, oh yeah. Cool. They can take us to

Washington and we can finally score.

B&B head into the bus.

BEAVIS:

Yeah, heh heh. Umm, isn't Seattle in

Washington? Heh heh... 'cuz I was

thinking maybe we could go see Hole.

BUTT-HEAD

Yeah. We can go see Hole and then we can

get some hole. Huh huh huh huh.

INSERT:
MAP. The RED LINE snakes right up to D.C.

INT/EXT. TOUR BUS - DAY

INTERCUT BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES:

ANGLE ON THE LINCOLN MONUMENT.

ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. Several seniors press their faces to see.

ANGLE ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. More seniors rush to the window to see.

ANGLE ON THE CAPITOL BUILDING.

ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. B&B press their bare asses.

EXT. CAPITOL - DAY

The seniors and B&B get off the bus.

As soon as they're out of sight, Dallas drives up and sees the

Tour Bus. She smiles to herself.

INT. CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY

Dark. Isolated.

Dallas pulls up and gets out of her car. Suddenly, a voice:

VOICE/MUDDY

'Spectin' someone?

Dallas wheels around. Muddy's got a gun on her.

MUDDY (CONT.)

Well, well. Look at this. The love of my

life. Where have you been?

Muddy moves towards Dallas. She steps back.

DALLAS:

Honey, I was gonna split it with you after

I sold it, right down the middle. I swear.

I just...

MUDDY:

Sure you were. But now you don't have to

go through all that bother.

Dallas moves seductively towards Muddy.

DALLAS:

Come on Muddy. Whatd'ya say we just

forget about it and go get a room like old

times...

Muddy c*cks his gun.

MUDDY:

I don't think so. Where is it?

INT. CAPITOL - DAY

B&B walk up to the information booth where a HOST makes an

announcement.

HOST:

(announces)

All Senators are requested for a vote. All

Senators are requested for a vote.

A bell accompanies this announcement.

HOST (CONT.)

(to B&B)

Can I help you?

BEAVIS:

Yeah, we're looking for Washington.

BUTT-HEAD

Huh huh. We're gonna meet this chick with

really big hooters.

HOST:

Sirs, you are in Washington.

BEAVIS:

Well where is she?!

BUTT-HEAD

Could you, like, tell her we're ready to

score?

HOST:

No! Just a moment...

She turns to the side to answer the phone.

INT. CAPITOL/PRIVATE PANEL ROOM - DAY

Six Senators sit behind a panel. BOB PACKWOOD testifies across

from them.

SENATOR:

Thank you for returning, Senator Packwood,

to help us understand how sexual

harassment happens in this sacred

institution.

Suddenly, SOUND OF BUTT-HEAD over the PA.

BUTT-HEAD (V.O.)

Uh... Attention, attention! We're looking

for that chick with the big b*obs.

BEAVIS (V.O.)

Heh heh. We wanna do her now!

HOST (V.O.)

Hey! Gimme tha...

B&B (V.O.)

Huh huh huh huh huh.

ANGLE ON PACKWOOD - smiles.

PACKWOOD:

Huh huh huh huh huh.

INT. CAPITOL/SENATE - DAY

Classic wide, overhead shot. SOUND of all Senators.

SENATORS:

Huh huh huh huh huh.

INT. CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY

Muddy finishes tying Dallas' hands behind her back. He crosses to

his trunk.

MUDDY:

You forgot who yer dealin' with, Honey. Ya

see, I got your mules right here in my

trunk and...

Muddy pops the trunk. It's empty.

MUDDY (CONT.)

Say what?... I'm gonna kill 'em!!!

DALLAS:

No honey we're gonna kill 'em.

Dallas, still tied up, starts kissing Muddy. He gives in.

EXT. CAPITOL - DAY

ANGLE ON B&B getting on the bus last.

INT. TOUR BUS - DAY

Butt-Head sits. Beavis pauses, still standing.

BEAVIS:

Hey wait a minute. What's going on? Why

are we getting back on the bus?

OLD GUY:

It's time to go son.

BEAVIS:

We can't leave! We never met that chick!

Dammit!!! We were supposed to get some!

BUTT-HEAD

Huh huh huh. Settle down Beavis.

BEAVIS:

Oh yeah,...I mean no. NO! I won't settle

down! Not this time!...

Beavis is shaking, fed up. He delivers the speech of his life.

BEAVIS (CONT.)

Dammit, this always happens! I think I'm

gonna score and then I never score! It's

not fair! We've traveled a hundred miles

'cause we thought we were gonna score, but

now it's not gonna happen!

BUS DRIVER:

(yelling from his seat)

Hey buddy, sit down! Now!

BEAVIS:

SHUT UP! (continuing) I'm sick and tired

of this! We're never gonna score! It's

just not gonna happen! We're just gonna

get old like these people, but they've

probably scored!

BUS DRIVER:

(standing)

Hey! I'm warning you! Sit down!

BEAVIS:

It's like this chick's a slut (motioning

to Martha)... and look at this guy!...

He's old but he's probably scored a

million times!

OLD GUY:

(nods in agreement)

Ohh yeah.

BEAVIS:

But not us! We're never gonna score! WE'RE

NEVER GONNA SCORE!!! AAGGHHHH!!!

The bus driver tackles Beavis.

INT. CAPITOL/PARKING GARAGE/MUDDY'S CAR - DAY

In a tight shot, we see Muddy and Dallas humping away in the back

seat (in a PG-13 kind of way).

We hear the sound of a door opening.

ANGLE ON FLEMMING, BORK AND SEVERAL AGENTS LOOKING DOWN.

FLEMMING:

Well look what we have here. You two make

me sick... Book 'em Bork.

DALLAS:

You don't have anything on us and you know

it.

FLEMMING:

Oh I don't huh? How about lewd conduct?

Maybe indecent exposure?...

Here's what's gonna happen. One of you's

gonna make a deal and get me the unit. The

other can spend the next sixty years in

jail.

MUDDY:

There you're wrong, boy. Me and mah wife

are back together and you'll never...

DALLAS:

He stole the unit. Said he put it in some

kid's pants.

MUDDY:

Why you damn little...

He's cuffed and dragged away.

INT. TOUR BUS - DAY

The driver sits down and drives on.

Beavis is slightly beat up. Martha reaches into her purse, filled

with prescription medications.

MARTHA:

Now Travis, it doesn't do a body good to

get all worked up. Here. This should help

you relax.

She holds up a box of NoDrowz and squints at the label.

MARTHA:

Does that say Xanax?

BEAVIS:

Um, um, yeah, probably. Heh heh.

Beavis takes a couple, then starts wolfing down the whole box.

INT. FLEMMING'S CAR - DAY

Flemming's on the radio. Bork checks a tour guide.

FLEMMING:

(to radio)

Okay, boys and girls, our suspects are on

a tour bus we believe to be headed for...

(checks papers) the White House! Jumpin'

Jesus! I want everyone there. Our people.

Locals. Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat!

Shoot to kill!

BORK:

Chief, I swear, we tore that bus apart.

They couldn't have...

FLEMMING:

Bork, when this is all over, remind me to

make you an appointment with Agent Hurley.

EXT. STREETS OF WASHINGTON - DAY

All manner of police, A.T.F., F.B.I. cars speed along.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE/TOURIST PARKING LOT - DAY

B&B and the seniors walk from the bus to the White House. Beavis

is starting to shake as he finishes off the NoDrowz.

NEARBY, Anderson's camper pulls up.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

The seniors and B&B are being led on a tour. B&B in back. Beavis

is starting to SHAKE AND MAKE STRANGE NOISES.

Rate this script:1.0 / 2 votes