Beavis and Butt-Head Do America Page #14

Bork and others quickly frisk Butt-head.

BORK:

Not on him, Chief.

FLEMMING:

Agent Hurley...

Hurley steps forward.

FLEMMING (CONT.)

... I want you to give this scumbag a

cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter.

Don't stop 'till you reach the back of his

teeth.

Butt-Head is led away.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

Beavis is on the red phone. He goes through the President's

drawers.

LIEUTENANT:

(on phone)

Mr. President, the bombers are scrambled.

Sir, we're awaiting your final orders.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

I order you to surrender your T.P.!

INT. STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY

The General grabs the phone from the Lieutenant.

GENERAL:

Gimme that! (to phone) Mr. President, in

the name of all that is holy, I must have

those launch codes!

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

(on phone)

Are you threatening me? Bungholio!

Click. Beavis hangs up.

INT. WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY

Beavis walks out of the Oval Office.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

Presidente Bungholio! You will cooperate

with my bunghole!

INT. A.T.F. VAN - DAY

Hurley steps out of a van to speak with Flemming and Bork. She

pulls off a LONG GLOVE that goes almost to her shoulder.

Butt-Head sits, disheveled.

BUTT-HEAD

Uh, huh huh, did I just score?

HURLEY:

He's clean, chief.

FLEMMING:

The other guy must have it. He's gotta be

in here somewhere. (re: Butt-Head) Bring

him.

Flemming, Bork and the other agents take off.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

In the main reception area, Beavis is surrounded by a few FOREIGN

DIGNITARIES who try to make sense of what he is saying.

DIGNITARY #1

Que es un "bunghole"? Que lengua es?

Arabigo?

DIGNITARY #2

De donde eres tu?

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

Arabigo? I am the Great Cornholio. I have

no bunghole. Where I come from there is no

T.P.

A White House representative comes up. He assumes Beavis is with

the dignitaries.

REPRESENTATIVE:

I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience

gentlemen, but we're going to have

outside for a moment. Follow me please.

He leads them out, including Beavis who continues to babble.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

You can run but you cannot hide from the

Almighty Bunghole! Heh heh hmm.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

Beavis/Cornholio and the dignitaries are escorted out. Beavis,

unnoticed, keeps walking.

Beavis, walking along stops. He sees something.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

Aaaaahh...

ON BEAVIS' P.O.V. across the street, we see what Beavis is looking

at:

ANDERSON'S CAMPER.

ANGLE ON BEAVIS. He takes the picture of Dallas out of his pocket.

TIGHT ON the picture of Dallas.

TIGHT ON Anderson's camper.

TIGHT ON Beavis.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)

Aaaahh, heh heh...

Beavis looks alternately at the camper and the picture a couple of

times, and then walks across the street.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)

Booiiing! Ptang ptang! Wagh-hah!!!

Beavis goes into Anderson's camper and shuts the door.

A Secret Service agent walks by, just missing Beavis.

INT. WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY

Tom and Marcy enjoying a moment.

TOM:

Boy I tell ya what, it really makes ya

proud. I could stay here all day.

An A.T.F. agent comes up and interrupts Tom.

AGENT:

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave...

TOM:

Now wait just a minute...

AGENT:

Now!

NEARBY, Flemming and Bork are showing the police sketch of

Cornholio to Sandy and questioning her.

Bork sees Anderson walk by from a distance.

BORK:

Say chief, isn't that guy whose

camper,...I mean, off in whose...

FLEMMING:

(irritated)

Not now Bork.

EXT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY

From inside the camper we hear THE STRANGEST CORNHOLIO SOUNDS YET.

ANGLE ON the front of the camper. Tom and Marcy walk up.

TOM:

I tell ya what honey, this country's goin'

to Hell in a handbasket.

They get in the front. Tom adjusts the side-view mirror.

TOM (CONT.)

I'm gonna go over right now and talk to my

Congressman about this...

TOM'S P.O.V.:
In the side-view mirror we see the camper SHAKING

and hear Beavis/Cornholio.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (O.S.)

Ooooaaaaaghhh!!! Whack-awhack-aaaaghh!!!

TOM:

What the hell?...Wait here a minute...

Tom gets out and goes into the camper.

HOLD ON THE CAMPER DOOR.

Tom throws Beavis/Cornholio out the door. Beavis is in his

underwear with his T-shirt still pulled over his head.

TOM (CONT.)

And if I ever catch ya whackin' in here

again I'm gonna hog-tie ya! (to himself)

Now I gotta straighten up in here.

Tom goes back in the camper.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

You have offended my bunghole!

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

Bork reports to Flemming. Butt-Head is held by two agents.

BORK:

We just cleared all four floors. No sign

of him.

FLEMMING:

Damn! Where the hell is he? We should've

found him by now.

Bork sees something. It's Beavis, about a hundred yards away.

BORK:

Chief, look!

FLEMMING:

(picks up radio)

Attention all units. We've got him. He's

in front of a camper in the visitor's lot.

EXT. OUTSIDE ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY

Beavis stands, T-shirt still over his head. Suddenly, dozens of

agents surround him, pointing guns at him. Beavis seems oblivious

to the danger.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

I am the great Cornholio! I will lay waste

to your bunghole! Heh heh.

BEHIND THE AGENTS, Flemming approaches and gives orders.

FLEMMING:

OK, nobody shoot. He could still have the

unit on him. Keep your distance. We don't

wanna take a chance on hitting it.

BORK:

Where are his pants?

FLEMMING:

Who knows?

Beavis reaches to scratch his butt. Agents step back, cautious.

Flemming picks up a bullhorn and addresses Beavis.

FLEMMING (CONT.)

This is Agent Flemming, A.T.F.. We won't

hurt you. We just want the unit. Tell us

where the unit is.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

Do you have T.P.? T.P. for my bunghole?

FLEMMING:

We'll get you whatever you want. (to

agents) Get that other kid. We might need

him.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

Do you have any oleo? Heh heh.

BORK:

(on a radio)

This is Bork. We need some T.P. and

some...(to Flemming) What's he say?

ANGLE BEHIND AGENTS. Butt-Head is brought in by two agents.

BUTT-HEAD

Whoa, this rules! Can I have a gun too?

Huh huh huh.

ON BEAVIS. He continues to babble, making the agents nervous.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

You must bow down to the Almighty

Bunghole. (Beavis) Heh heh, this is cool.

(Cornholio, chanting) Bungholio-o-o-o-o-o!

FLEMMING:

(to Bork)

He's jerkin' us off. I think we're gonna

have to take him out. Get ready to fire on

my orders... (on bullhorn) This is your

last chance. Give us the unit now...

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

(Beavis) Why does everyone wanna see my

schlong? (Cornholio, chanting) I am the

one-and-only-almighty-bungholiooo!

FLEMMING:

(to agents)

OK boys. Get ready to fire on the count of

three. (on bullhorn) I'm gonna give you

three seconds...

ANGLE ON AGENTS taking aim, cocking their guns.

FLEMMING (CONT.)

(on bullhorn)

One...

ANGLE ON BEAVIS, chanting.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

Cornholio-o-o-o-o...

ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD.

BUTT-HEAD

Uh, huh huh huh.

FLEMMING:

(on bullhorn)

...Two...

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO

...o-o-o-eieee-ooooeeeooooo...

FLEMMING:

(on bullhorn)

Thrr...

Suddenly Tom Anderson throws open his camper door, holding Beavis'

pants.

TOM:

And take yer damn pants with ya...!

(noticing) What in the hell...?

Rate this script:1.0 / 2 votes