Becks Page #4

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- She won't put it down.

- Like ever.

You want something to drink?

Beer, wine?

Wine would be great.

I would have pegged you

more for a beer girl.

Uh, um, no, it's fine.

Wine is good.

So those the husbands?

Yeah, but if you don't follow

the Cards or the Blues,

don't even bother.

BECKS:
The Blues,

that's hockey, right?

I know. No one cared about

hockey till the Rams left.

I guess they needed

something new to talk about.

Ah, thank you.

Becks, this is

my friend Amy.

Amy and I are in

figure-drawing class together.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Great. I'm gonna go

help Mitch. Have fun.

Oh, okay, good,

everybody's going.

It's a great party.

Oh, yeah, like a 1960's

astronaut farewell picnic.

[chuckles]

Does this happen to you a lot?

The super subtle

lesbian setup? Yeah.

But at least you're cute.

You know, usually

it's like, uh...

like some woman

who looks like a fat mayor

from an old cartoon strip

or like Lauren with

the backwards Kangol cap

who makes beer.

- I don't know.

- But we're both lesbians,

so we obviously have

to get married right away.

Yes, yes, oh, God.

I still hate that word

though, "lesbian."

- Really?

- Yeah.

Well, "gay" is no better.

I feel like "gay" is better.

"Gay" is better

'cause it's not like...

'cause "lesbian" sounds like

a mad lizard or like a...

like a Hogwarts house

that nobody wants to be in.

You know? "Lesbian."

You're right, you're right.

"Gay" is a lot better.

So what are you doing?

Why would you ever

in a million years be here?

- Well, I grew up here.

- Oh, okay.

And then I went out to New York

for a while, and I'm here again.

Oh, so you're back.

Yeah, back,

but not for long.

Um, what's the scene

like out here?

Eh, it's, you know,

it's not bad.

There are actual

gay people here.

It's not like you

have to just sit around,

jacking off

to all the L Word reruns

or anything like that.

- There's not shame in that.

- No, I guess not.

- There's a couple places.

- Yeah?

I mean, we can go right now,

if you want to go.

- You wanna get outta here?

- F*** yeah.

- Oh, sh*t, okay.

- Mm-hmm.

F*** it.

Okay.

You good? You're done?

- I gotta pregame.

- Let's go.

[rock]

I'm a musician.

[groans]

Oh, gosh.

Wanna tell me where you were?

Out.

I called you three times.

You couldn't pick up?

My phone died.

I didn't know whether to

start calling hospitals or...

- Jesus, Mom, I'm fine.

- Don't you dare Jesus me.

- Calm down.

- Calm down?

You expect me

to be here for you,

and you can't give me

a flying phone call?

Okay, I'll call you next time.

Are we done?

I couldn't sleep, wondering

where you could possibly be.

Really, Mom? You can't imagine?

Think really hard.

Whoever conceals their sins

does not prosper...

Mom, stop the scripture sh*t.

I'm not Dad.

Well, I don't know

how to talk to you.

- Then don't.

- Look, I'm sorry

if that's not the first place

my mind goes.

We didn't do that kind of stuff

when we were your age.

No, you didn't do

that kind of thing.

Everyone else did.

- Now you're just being mean.

- I'm just telling the truth.

You and Dad didn't even

sleep in the same room.

Don't you dare pretend to know

anything about our marriage.

You have absolutely no idea.

What, that you literally

nagged Dad to death?

Yeah, I have an idea.

But you know what?

That's your sh*t.

That's not my sh*t.

I have plenty of my own sh*t.

And having one night

of ungodly behavior

doesn't even make

my list of sh*t.

- It's a vacation from my sh*t.

- Stop saying that word!

I am not like you.

Jesus f***ing Christ!

[retching]

[toilet flushing]

Good morning.

I made breakfast. You want some?

So, uh, so I thought we could

go have a girls' day,

maybe go shopping.

What do you think?

Mom, I was hungover.

I had too much to drink.

Really? You're gonna use

that excuse with me?

- I was tired.

- I did not deserve that.

Look, you know how I get

when I drink.

Could you at least respect me

in my house enough

not to take the Lord's name

in vain?

I'm sorry.

So, uh, so you gonna

come with me or what?

[door chime]

ANN:
Wow.

- Well, hello.

- Hey, dude, what's up?

How are you?

Hey, Elyse,

this is my mom Ann.

- Hi.

- Mom, this is Elyse.

Oh, this is

Mitch Cunningham's wife.

Oh, my gosh, hi.

So you're the one who's

responsible for all this talent.

Yeah, she got it all

from me.

I've heard so much about you

from Sue.

It's nice to put

a face to a name.

Oh, you know

my mother-in-law.

Yeah, she's a friend.

- This is such a lovely shop.

- Thank you.

It's my little piece of Paris

right here in the Lou.

So what brings you two

in today?

You here to walk around

and not buy anything?

There's a bunch of new stuff in

to not buy.

Oh, ha ha,

but the joke's on you

'cause I'm buying my mom

a whole new wardrobe

from this century.

I like my clothes.

You're such a snob.

- Isn't she?

- Yeah.

Hey, I didn't bring you here

so you guys could gang up on me.

Are you sure? It's free.

It's right in your budget.

- [laughing]

- What?

372.24.

Oh, no, no, no.

Rebecca, please.

- Let me help out, come on.

- No, Mom, stop.

Please, let me.

Consider it back rent.

Thank you.

Wait one second.

What, I spend some cash,

and you think I'm gonna

buy the whole store?

It's on the house.

You don't charge enough

for lessons anyway.

Hey, you know what?

I don't.

- It looks good on you.

- It's beautiful.

Thanks. Here's 300

and five, six...

I can't believe we got my mom

into that miniskirt. Jesus.

I think that's the first time

I've ever seen her knees.

I can't believe

your mom was a nun.

Nuns feel like so from

another era or something.

Sh*t.

My mom's a real

C-U-Next-Tuesday.

Can't you just say "c*nt?"

Can you say "c*nt?"

Can you please say "c*nt?"

Okay, fine.

C*nt.

[laughing]

So how does she feel

about the whole gay thing?

Not great. You know,

she's coming around,

just as long as

I spare her the details.

- Hey.

- Will there be anything else?

No, we're good, thank you.

So you and Amy left pretty fast

the other day.

Oh, yeah, well,

it's not like that.

She's really cool,

but she's not...

- Not your type.

- Ehh.

I like girlier, femmier girls.

Whatever.

Got it.

So does that mean

that you won't be

getting back together

with Dave any time soon?

[laughs]

That was high school.

I didn't really figure it out

until college.

Do you want to know

what happened?

Yeah.

Oh! All right.

Well, I was in love

with this girl,

and I was in total denial

about it,

so to get her

out of my system,

I thought I would

go to a frat party

and just f***

the first guy I saw.

And so I was in the bathroom,

and I was on my knees,

giving this guy a blow job,

and I remember I had

his dick in one hand

and his balls in the other,

and I didn't know

what I was doing,

and he was like,

"What the f*** are you doing?"

And I just remember

I was crying,

and at that moment,

I knew that I was...

a hundred percent,

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