Bedazzled Page #4

It was terrible.

I was so frustrated.

I had all these words and ideas...

and she listened to them

and agreed with them...

but when I touched her she screamed.

Let me tell you something, Stanley.

As far as sex is concerned,

patience is a virtue.

I wanted her so much

I just couldn't wait.

Let me give you a tip. Come here.

In the words of Marcel Proust...

and this applies to any

woman in the world...

if you can stay up and listen with a fair

degree of attention to whatever garbage...

no matter how stupid it is...

that they're coming out with...

till 10 minutes past 4:00

in the morning, you're in.

Ten minutes past 4:00 in the

morning, and you're there?

It never fails.

Oh, that Margaret's such a...

gorgeous girl.

Isn't she lovely?

I'd like to know what

she's doing right now.

Well, that can be arranged.

Let's just get this out.

What's that?

Galileo's wonderful

little invention.

Have you got sixpence?

Yes.

Have a peer through that.

There we are.

Wha...

Come on, Roberts.

Put your back into it!

It's very good of you to

spend so much time on this.

Shh. Oh, that's why we're here,

Miss Spencer... to help people out.

Or fish people out, rather.

Excuse me, Miss Spencer.

People get the wrong

idea about the police.

We're all human beings

as well, you know.

No, we like the public to

think of us as their friends.

I'm sure we all do, Inspector.

Why don't you call me Reg?

All right, Reg.

And you must call me Margaret.

Here, she told him to

call her Margaret.

I think she fancies him a bit.

Shut up!

Oh, I do hope they don't

find Stanley down there.

He was such a...

Quick, it's run out!

Give me another sixpence.

Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ah! Ooh-ooh!

I haven't got one!

Ohh!

Oh, I know she was gonna say

something nice about me.

Oh, let me have her now.

I must have her now. Please!

Just tell me who, where, when,

under what circumstances.

Margaret is who, of course, but I don't want

to go through courting again... that was awful.

Why not be married to her? Then you'll

be absolutely certain of having her.

Yeah. A-And I'd like to be powerful,

'cause I'd like to give her lots of things.

Rich. Influential. Millionaire.

Multi.

Multi. Good thinking.

Multimillionaire. Yachts, servants,

country estates, a phone in the lav.

Yeah, but I don't want her to be like

she was last time... you know, timid.

I want her to be... physical.

I'll make her very physical,

indeed, for you, Stanley.

Stiffen yourself.

The magic words:
Jackie Kennedy!

Oh, well. Julie Andrews.

Randy!

Afternoon, Seed.

Hello, everybody. How are you, Peter?

Sorry I'm late, darling.

Mmm! Hello, Randolph.

Hello.

Brought you a little

something from town.

Do you like it?

Yes. Isn't it lovely, Randy?

Yes.

We're playing croquet.

Why don't you and Peter go away...

and discuss your affairs?

True enough.

I suppose we ought to... tie

up this Venezuelan business.

Yes.

Lord Dowdy, I wonder if you'd be so

kind as to take over my blue ball...

and double up with Daphne.

C-C-C-C-C-Certainly.

Who is that young Randy fellow?

What?

Oh. Randolph.

He's an awfully nice chap.

He's, uh... He's teaching

Margaret the harp.

Oh, yes.

She's terribly artistic, you know.

Is she?

Yes. Terribly.

Artistic?

- Yes. Yes.

- Yes.

We met Randolph, actually,

when we were in the Bahamas...

forming Margaret's mother

into a limited company.

Very shrewd move.

You ever thought of making Margaret

into a charitable institution?

What a cracking wheeze!

Yes, and then I could get a

depreciation allowance on her.

Exactly. I think the revenue

boys would buy that one.

Yes.

You could probably get her

clothes taken off as well.

Yes, I'm sure they'd be deductible.

Properly handled, I think she could

be a wonderful little asset.

Yes.

I was shopping around for a

wife, actually, the other day.

Mmm. Daphne?

Or something along similar lines.

But my accountant said that in

my bracket it really wasn't on.

Oh, yes... Oh, yes... Come on!

Yes. Excuse me.

I forgot to give you

this, my precious!

Oh, you doll!

There we are. Do you like it?

Oh!

Well!

Feel the fur, Randolph.

Mmm. Beautiful.

How is the old harp...

harp coming along?

Oh, splendidly.

Your wife has extraordinary

sensitivity.

She has, she has. Extraordinary.

Oh, I'm so hot and sticky and...

Randy, we must have a dip!

Your wife has a very beautiful body.

It is nice, isn't it?

You must be a very happy man.

Yes.

Yes, I must be.

I find her...

fantastically attractive.

Hmm.

Thank you.

You don't mind my saying that.

My dear chap. Good Lord.

Not at all. Not at all.

I imagine everybody does.

I imagine they do. Yes.

Sex is a terribly thorny

subject, isn't it?

Mmm. Tsk-tsk-tsk.

Terribly thorny.

Very thorny subject.

I don't really need it.

Yes, please.

I always think it very ironical...

that the male of the species reaches

his sexual peak at the age of 14.

Mmm.

Whereas the appetite

of the female...

continues to increase

with the passing years.

Yes.

Hmm.

It is ironic, isn't it?

Bloody ironic.

Ah.

Of course, monogamy isn't a

natural state for any animal.

Good Lord, no.

Goodness gracious, no. No.

When I say "animal," I mean man.

Yes.

- And when I say "man," I mean woman, of course.

- Of course.

You see, he... or,

for that matter, she...

is, um...

fundamentally promiscuous.

Now.

Yes.

Yes, she probably is.

How does that feel?

Excuse me.

Darling! Darling!

Mmm?

I forgot to give you

this, dear heart.

How exciting. What is it?

Boo-boo-boo-boo!

You shouldn't have.

Is it the original?

Yes. I thought it might appeal.

Thank you, dear. You are sweet.

Oh, good!

And now we must go and get

out of our wet things.

Come along, Randy.

Beautiful collection of books

you've got here, Stanley.

Must be worth a packet.

Yes, I caught a rather nasty

cold in blue chips last week...

and my broker's advised me

to switch to first editions.

They're going up all the time.

Yes.

That one's worth about 10 more

than it was when we came in.

Forgive my ignorance,

B-B-B-Bagshot...

b-but what are y-y-y-you in?

Missiles and munitions, mainly.

Mmm.

How's the market holding up?

Well, we've been very badly

hit by this peace scare.

We fell four points yesterday.

Luckily, I managed to off-load...

a lot of obsolete rubbish...

on the freedom fighters.

Yet things still look rather dodgy.

S-S-S-Surely i-i-i-i-it's...

only a t-t-t-temporary...

s-s-s-s-setback.

That's very easy for you

to say, Lord Dowdy.

But it only takes two lunatics...

to sit down and sign

a piece of paper...

and we could be plunged into a

nuclear peace so devastating...

that my company, for one, would

be wiped out completely.

Where's that harp coming from?

It's probably Margaret

playing with Randolph...

in the music room.

They're very good

together, aren't they?

Yes, they certainly are.

I often wish I'd been forced to take up

an instrument myself when I was young.

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