Bedazzled Page #6

You're the first person who's

ever shown any concern for me...

and you're the devil.

I mean, God's never taken any

interest in me, as far as I can see.

Of course not. He never pushes himself

forward. Prefers to work subliminally.

It's the oldest trick in the

game, your soft-sell technique.

Well, I wish he would push himself

forward and help people a bit...

and prove he was there.

Well, in God's view,

for what it's worth...

this would interfere with

your freedom of choice.

Freedom of choice?

What sort of freedom of choice did

I have about where I was born...

and what size I was...

and what a bloody awful

job I landed myself in?

If we really had

freedom of choice...

we should be able to decide who are parents

are, what we look like and everything.

- I couldn't agree more.

- Then why the hell doesn't he

do something about it?

God knows.

Well, that's very

handsome, I must say.

- It's a bit long.

- Suits you down to the ground.

Looks very good on you.

Actually, um, red's

not really my color.

I'm normally a bit

more conservative.

But it's very nice though.

In you get.

You know, Mr. Spiggott...

you're really the first person who's

ever taken the trouble to talk to me.

I like you...

but you keep on doing

these terrible things.

It's nothing personal.

Well, if you say so.

Good night, Stanley.

Good night, Mr. Spiggott.

Call me George.

Oh. Good night, George.

Good...

morning, Mr. Moon.

- Morning?

- I've brought y'all somethin'.

To eat.

Thank you.

It's so hot in here.

Whew!

Would you, uh, help

me with my buttons?

I seem to be all

thumbs this mornin'.

Oh!

I find clothes so constrictin'.

We must allow our pores to breathe.

That's better!

Can you hear my pores breathe?

Listen.

Would you like a nibble?

Why, you must be ravenous.

Would you like orange juice?

Um...

Or...

a succulent, sun-ripe, whole...

pineapple?

But you have to be

careful of the prickles.

Oh, I will.

Do you like it in bed?

Uh, uh, yes.

Good. So do I!

Look up there.

Don't we make a pretty pair?

Yes.

Coffee?

Um, yes.

Strong, black and sweet.

Two mountainous spoons full.

Hot toast or buttered buns?

- Either.

- Oh, I love a man who knows what he wants.

Do you crave marmalade or honey?

Honey.

Ohh!

I do so love the smell of

honey on a man's lips.

Come on now, Lily.

Up you get.

Pick your clothes up. You're due

down at the Foreign Office.

Good-bye, Mr. Moon.

Let's get together soon.

Um, who was that?

Didn't she introduce herself? That's

Lilian Lust, the babe with the bust.

Oh. She's quite nice, really.

She's a very sweet, warm, wonderful

human being. I'll say that for her.

Mmm. You know, I...

You're quite right. I do see things

much more clearly this morning.

Thought you would.

I was... thinking about that girl Lilian.

You know, she's...

Shh! Stanley.

I wouldn't mess around with

married women if I were you.

Oh. She married?

Yes. Tragic business.

Completely incompatible.

You met the husband... Sloth.

So that's it then? She's out?

Afraid so.

But can I... can I be

someone who women...

yearn after and crave

for and lust after?

You'd like to be young

and sexy and dynamic...

and have beautiful women hurl

themselves at your feet.

Yeah, that's it. But most of

all, it's gotta be Margaret.

I want Margaret lusting after me.

I'll tell you what people go mad for

these days. That's your pop stars.

I can just see you, Stanley, standing

there in your skintight pants...

the music pounding, the women

screaming, Margaret laughing...

the drums throbbing out with

their incessant animal beat!

Let me have it!

Julie Andrews!

Oh, Stanley!

Stanley!

Oh!

I love you, Stanley!

Oh, Stanley!

Oh!

And now, this year's most

exciting discovery...

Drimble Wedge and the Vegetation!

Oh!

Oh, hello, Stanley.

Nice to have you back so soon.

I won't be a moment.

Hello. You've just cut me off.

I was talking to Tokyo.

Do you really love me?

Of course I do, you jerk!

Get off my line!

I thought you were

supposed to be my friend.

All that talk.

Your bed and that

girl this morning.

You just put her there to get me all excited

and confused so I'd make the wrong decision.

What happened?

What happened.

It finished before it started.

That's what happened.

They're like that these days, your

pop fans, aren't they? Very fickle.

Mrs. Fitch?

Speaking.

Abercrombie here.

I work with your husband.

Oh, yes?

I thought you'd like to know he's just checked

in to the Cheeseborough Hotel, Brighton...

with his secretary, Fiona.

- Good-bye.

- What a putrid thing to do.

Why did I get myself

into such a mess?

Let me answer that by

asking you a question.

In the words of the great

Zen master, Li Kwi Kwat...

"If you were hanging from a

cliff by your fingernails...

"and above you was a raging

tiger baring his fangs...

"and below you was the tiger's

mate, baring her fangs...

what would you do?"

What a stupid question!

Cliffs and tigers. I wouldn't get myself

into such a ridiculous situation.

Oh, of course not.

You've got the secret.

You're far better off.

Here you are, halfway up

a pole in Berkshire...

damned in the hereafter for

eternity, half your wishes gone.

You've nothing to learn from Li Kwi

Kwat and his tigers, have you?

Hello. Mrs. Phelps?

Hello. Yes?

Mrs.Jonathan Phelps?

Yes.

Mrs.Jonathan Phelps of 8 Puseley

Rise, Hounslow, Middlesex?

Yes.

Did I get you out of the

bath to answer the phone?

Yes, you did.

Sorry. Wrong number.

Your tricks are so bloomin' dismal.

I know, Stanley. Don't rub it in.

I've lost me spark.

There was a time when I

used to get lots of ideas.

I was creative, original.

I thought up the seven deadly

sins in one afternoon.

The only thing I've come up

with recently is advertising.

Blimey! We're due at Mrs. Wisby's.

Hurry up. Let's get changed.

You're so dull, the way

you go about things.

Everything you do is third-rate.

Pass me over me britches.

There's a good chap.

"Pass me my britches." The Prince of Darkness

changing his britches in a G.P.O. van.

What's the matter with you? Where's

your style? Use your magic powers.

I daren't waste those. I've got to save

all that up for my struggle with him.

I thought you were

supposed to be his equal.

Huh! That'll be the day.

For a start, he's omnipresent.

What do you mean?

I only mean he's everywhere, all

over the world, at the same time.

That's all I mean.

I'm just highly maneuverable.

So he's in here right now.

Of course he is.

He's in the van. He's in the can.

He's up the trees.

He's in the breeze.

He's in your hair. He's everywhere.

Spying on you, peering at you,

listening to everything you say.

There's no privacy for anyone. Get out

of here while I'm changing, can't you?

You won't get anywhere by

shouting at him, you know.

You're quite right, of course.

I'll try the humble approach.

Excuse me, Your

Ineffable Hugeness.

I wonder if you'd be gracious enough

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