Bedazzled Page #7

to step outside for a moment...

while we miserable worms

get our drawers on.

I can't say you sounded

very sincere, mate.

Here! What's your game?

I wanted to give him a bit of a turn.

I saw him nestling in your trousers.

Good afternoon, madam.

We're the Froony Green Eyewash men.

Have you, by any chance, got 10 bottles

of Froony Green Eyewash in your house?

Oh, no. I'm afraid I haven't.

Oh, what a pity, 'cause if you had

and could answer a simple question...

you'd have won a beautiful

silver tea service...

and a night on the town

with Alfred Hitchcock.

Oh, what a shame.

Never mind.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Nobody will ever

know the difference.

Why don't you nip down to the shops,

buy 10 bottles of Froony Green Eyewash...

come back here as

quickly as you can...

and I'll pretend you

had them all the time.

You're very kind.

Hurry back now.

Let's get something to eat.

Let's see what we've got.

Very nice.

Raspberries, cream, sugar.

Ideal combination for a

lovely summer afternoon.

Oh, leave her a few.

I need them more than she does.

I'm so depressed.

This job, it's really

getting me down.

What have you... What have you

got to be depressed about?

I mean, look on the bright side.

Think of all your successes.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Short-lived, Stanley. Short-lived.

Besides, as soon as I get a

really swinging scene going...

he butts in with his

fire and brimstone.

He's a very destructive,

unpredictable person.

Is that why you can't insure

against acts of God?

Exactly. As if that isn't enough, I've got

last-minute repentance to contend with.

- That doesn't sound too much of a threat.

- Not much of a threat?

Do you realize I can spend 50

or 60 years working on a client...

making him vain, greedy,

lustful, slothful, the lot...

and then just when he's breathing his

last, he goes and bloody repents?

- I lost Mussolini that way.

- Really?

At the moment they're putting the noose around

his neck, he says, "Scusi. Mille regrette."

Up he goes. Psst!

Here they are. Ten bottles

of Froony's Green Eyewash.

I just got in before they closed.

Well done, Mrs. Wisby.

Now all you have to do is answer

one very simple question.

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

How tall is the Duke of Edinburgh?

Oh, dear.

Let me see. I saw it somewhere.

Six foot one, is it?

Alas, no.

The correct answer

is six foot two...

and this means you've lost 10.

Terribly sorry, Mrs. Wisby.

Better luck next time.

Come on, Stanley. Off we go.

Good-bye!

That poor old lady.

How can you be so mean?

That grasping, greedy old bag?

She didn't mind the idea

of cheating Froony's.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you

something about Margaret Spencer.

What's that?

She's dead.

- No, she's not.

- No, she's not.

She's not?

No, she's alive.

Then why did you say that?

Malice. I'm a liar. I do it the

whole time. I can't help it.

Are you telling me that everything

you've ever said is a lie?

Everything I've ever told you

has been a lie, including that.

- Including what?

- That everything I've ever

told you has been a lie.

That's not true.

I don't know what to believe.

Not me, Stanley. Believe me.

Listen, you tell me one

thing, and it better be true.

What is Margaret Spencer

doing right now?

Scout's honor, Stanley.

She's with that powerfully

built Inspector Clark.

She's very concerned about you.

Oh, I'd like to be in the room with them.

Wish I was a fly on the wall.

Julie Andrews!

You rotten bas...

You've tricked me again!

That wasn't meant to be a wish!

I only did what you said.

Blow a raspberry.

Not yet.

I want to see what's going on.

And why are you here with me?

I want to protect you, Stanley.

I like you.

I'd hate to see you swatted.

Shut up. Here she comes.

Lovely weather we've been having.

Lovely.

Of course, we've been

kept pretty busy.

It's the summer frocks. I've had three

rapes on my hands this morning.

- Is that a lot?

- Oh, round about the seasonal average.

That's a nice dress you're wearing.

I don't like his attitude.

I've always had mixed

feelings about rape.

I mean, half the time,

it's the, uh... the girls...

that have led things on.

I agree with you.

They bring it on themselves,

you know. They really do.

I'm so happy he's not here.

But we must find him

before he kills himself.

She noticed me! She noticed me!

Well.

Thank you, lads.

Not him?

Oh, it's cold in here.

He seemed a cut above the others.

There was something

different about him.

A special quality.

He put so much into

those cheeseburgers.

He was a real artist.

Yes, but like so many of

your artistic types...

unable to cope with life, he

took the coward's way out.

He called me a coward!

The vice squad is having

a bit of a do tonight.

Would you like to come along?

Will I be allowed?

An outsider?

Of course!

They asked us to bring

along a girlfriend.

You'd soon feel at home.

I'm gonna break this up!

But you've never flown before.

You can't go up alone.

Oh, yes, I can.

I'll take him first. You follow.

The Vice Squad is usually having

a first-class get-together.

Flap them, Stanley!

Not your legs, your wings!

You've got lovely lips.

Very tempting and alluring.

"Lorelie lips" is what I call 'em.

Has anyone ever said that before?

No, never.

Here I come, Stanley!

I don't want to alarm you...

but I'd say that lips like that

would be a magnet to sex maniacs.

Really?

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Damn flies!

Oh, it's a whopper!

Oh, let's get out of this fly trap.

Blow your raspberry.

I can't, with these

terrible fly's lips!

Quick, blow your raspberry!

She noticed me, George.

She noticed me.

I must have her before she goes to

that terrible vice party with the police.

- That's what I'm here for.

- I want her to be in love

with everything about me.

Madly in love with me!

Look, Stanley.

I feel terribly bad about the way

I've tricked you in the past.

I want to be nice to you this time. Really

nice to you. I mean it. I'd like to help you.

I've been thinking

about your problem.

What I think you need

is the simple life.

How does this strike you?

You and Margaret are both

warm, tender, loving people.

Picture a little cottage

in the country.

Two beautiful children are

playing in the sunlit garden.

Margaret's in the kitchen,

preparing the anniversary dinner.

She hears you drive up in the car.

She's madly in love with

you and you with her.

She's bursting with the anticipation

of seeing you at the end of the day.

By George, you've got it.

I think you've got it.

Julie Andrews

Darling! Mmm!

Hello, darling. Mmm.

Hello, darling.

Hope you don't mind me bringing Stanley along.

Oh, he's always welcome.

Would you like a drink, Stanley?

Please.

I'll do that. You sit down.

You've been coping with the kids all day.

Go on. Have a good sit-down. Relax.

What are you going to have? Your usual?

Yes, dear.

Right.

You know that, um...

that book I was reading?

The Spinoza Reassessment?

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