Bedknobs and Broomsticks Page #3

- Are you ready, Paul?

- Yes, Miss Price.

Repeat after me.

Take us to

Professor Emelius Browne...

Very good.

Headmaster, Correspondence

College of Witchcraft.

..of Witchcraft, London.

When l say go,

tap the knob three times

and turn it a quarter turn

to the left.

- Left...

- That's it.

We'd better hold on tight.

The behaviour of the bed

is something l'm not sure of.

Let me breathe a little.

All right, Paul. Ready? Go.

One... two... three...

- ls this London?

- Course it is!

- Smell that lovely sooty air.

- Marvellous, ain't it?

- Charles, are you convinced?

- Not yet l ain't.

l don't see no Professor Browne.

Neither do l.

You children look after the bed

while l make enquiries for Mr Browne.

- l told you this bed wouldn't work.

- Don't start that again.

lt didn't work. lt was supposed

to take us to Professor Browne.

- ''Professor Browne.''

- Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen,

gather round, please.

Please note the name:

Professor Emelius Browne.

l am here to divert, to amuse,

and, yes, even to help you.

- There he is!

- lt is not what things are...

lt is what they seem to be.

ls that not so?

That ain't the kind

of professor l expected.

l'm not sure it's the kind

Miss Price expected, either.

What effect a little smoke is...

with a dash of hocus-pocus

and the scent of burning...

and the scent

of burning sulphur in the air.

And now, for my next trick,

may l draw your attention

to this solid piece

of ordinary window glass,

framed in an ordinary

unprepared frame.

May l also draw your attention

to this perfectly ordinary steel nail.

Now l shall place the framed glass

in this brown, unprepared...

Unprepared, mark you...

Unprepared brown paper bag.

l shall now attempt to drive

the steel nail through the glass

without breaking the glass.

''lmpossible!'' l hear you say.

We shall see.

He ain't very good,

even if he is a professor.

l tell you what l'm going to do.

No, please don't go.

Don't leave now

and regret lost opportunities later.

You, young sir. Would you care

to warble like the storied nightingale?

With this inexpensive device,

you can charm the very birds

down from the trees, like so.

- How much?

- For you, sir, one penny.

One copper coin of the realm.

Carrie, l'm very surprised

at you wandering off like this.

We found him for you, miss.

We found Professor Browne.

Don't work. l've been cheated!

ls that Professor Browne?

lt is indeed, my dear.

How may l serve you?

Would you be interested in the mating

call of the Brazilian bird of love?

Very useful, eh?

You are the headmaster of the

Emelius Browne College of Witchcraft?

The late headmaster.

The college, alas, is now defunct.

Professor Browne,

l am one of your pupils.

My dear lady, you are indeed

an ornament to the college.

- Splendid.

- Not at all.

l was shocked when you

closed down the college

without that most important

last lesson.

l'm sorry, my dear. No refunds.

Look at your contract.

But l must have the spell

that comes with the last lesson!

The matter is closed.

l bid you good day.

l have an appointment at my club.

The matter is not closed!

- Don't let him get away.

- Righto!

Here we are.

Will you get this child off my leg?

Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee.

Now l trust you'll behave

more like a gentleman.

Look out!

There goes another rabbit.

What was all that about?

l changed you into a rabbit

with one of your own spells.

My spell? From my school?

Not one of your best spells.

lt doesn't last.

Some of your others are much better.

But l don't understand. My spell?

They were just nonsense words

from an old book.

They worked perfectly well for me.

They work for you?

Good woman! Some kind of destiny

has brought us together.

You got these spells

out of some old book, you say?

l changed them round a bit.

l gave them a bit

of my own style, as it were.

The old sorcerers did have

a bit of a tendency to waffle on.

But dear lady, l never thought

l'd meet somebody like you.

What a treasure.

Mr Browne, will you please

stick to the point.

l would like to see this book

immediately.

Certainly. lt's at my new town house.

Would you care

to join me for luncheon?

We can discuss my ideas

at the same time.

Thank you. We'd be delighted.

We shall all go together.

- On the bed?

- On the bed, Paul. Come along.

You go round the other side.

l always travel on the left.

Will you give the address

to Paul, please?

May l ask how we are going

to get there on this bed? Fly?

My dear Professor,

with your own travelling spell.

The one you gave with the course

as a bonus.

My travelling spell?

That works as well?

Just give the address, please.

Bed, take us to 8 Winchfield Road.

Madam, is this vehicle safe?

Perfectly. A bit theatrical, perhaps,

but then most good spells are.

We're here.

l would never have believed it.

You must have given us

the wrong address. Do you live here?

ln fact, l do.

Temporarily, at any rate.

l found the front door open.

The house was deserted.

Everyone has left the neighbourhood.

Why should they do that?

This probably has

something to do with it.

Merciful heavens!

You should be terrified

at the very idea of living here.

You would have thought so.

l am by nature a little bit of a coward.

But then l pondered.

ln the perverse nature of things,

this diabolical object

is probably the best friend

l've ever had.

lt enables me, for the first time

in my life, to live like a king.

Shall we go in?

Rothschild '26. Noble, worldly-wise,

but with a charming

touch of innocence.

Mr Browne, the book. Where is it?

Dear lady, you are relentless.

The book is in the library. We shall

proceed there after our cheese and wine.

Why do you keep the curtains closed?

So that we may enjoy

the gentle glow of candle light.

More likely so's a copper don't peek in

and catch you hiding out here.

Why don't you

have a look round the house?

- l want to chat with Miss Price.

- May we?

Yes, run along.

But don't touch anything.

Remember, this house

does not belong to Mr Browne.

Mr Browne, where is that book?

l must have that spell

on substitutiary locomotion.

- What is it? A toy shop?

- No, it's a nursery.

- Ain't you ever seen a nursery?

- No. And neither have you.

Would you hold this, please?

What do you think of that?

- Well, l... don't know what to think.

- Miss Price.

Think how successful l could be with

an assistant who can really do magic.

Dear lady, have you ever considered

entering show business?

- The what business?

- The theatre!

Pantomimes, village fairs,

the seaside.

Brighton, Blackpool,

follies on the prom.

l have very important work to do.

Listen to me. We could make a packet.

Let us strike a bargain

You possess a gift

But I can speak the jargon

That will give your gift

the needed lift

You possess the know-how

And I command the show-how

Oh, how successful you could be

With me

l'm afraid we're wasting

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