Bedtime Stories Page #7

tavern. And guess who's there?

Led Zeppelin.

Say Led Zeppelin, please.

No. All the girls that were mean

to Skeetacus growing up.

What? Nobody was mean

to Skeetacus growing up.

He was like

the coolest guy in school.

That's not what Mom said.

All right, everybody was

mean to Skeetacus.

He had problems.

All right, tell your story.

Oh, my God...

[Bobbi] They see he's now with

the fairest maiden in all the land,

and they are really jealous.

[Patrick] So jealous they

don't know what to do.

They just start nervously

doing the hokey-pokey.

[All] Put your right hand in

You put your right hand out

You put your right hand in

And you shake it all about

OK.

[Bobbi] So then,

Skeetacus takes his date

out to the beach.

[Patrick] All of a sudden,

a big hairy guy

washes up onshore, passed out.

[Skeeter] Why a hairy guy?

I don't get it.

[Patrick] Just 'cause.

He had something stuck in his throat,

and he wasn't breathing.

- Thanks.

- He's OK.

And then it starts pouring,

so they run into a magical cave.

- Caves are nice.

- And Abe Lincoln's there.

Abe Lincoln?

What, is this a joke to you?

What the heck's the matter with you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I, I didn't mean to yell.

The Abe Lincoln thing, that's,

that's a good idea.

It's just that, uh...

Does Skeetacus get a kiss?

Don't you think he should?

It's... been a long time for him.

His lips are very dry

from not using them.

- Bugsy, you with me?

- [Groans]

We'll see.

- [Violet] Hello?

- Mmm.

Hey, is this the fairest maiden

in the land?

Mr. Skeeter Bronson, is that you?

Yes, it is. Sorry about that Ferrari

confusion the other night.

I'm here at the beach right now

and I had a hunch you might be here too.

What do you say

we get a little lunchsky?

That sounds so delightful.

But I can't. I'm afraid I'm

on my way to Vegas for the day.

Vegas?

Uh, no one talked about Vegas.

Don't tell Kendall.

He thinks I'm in the library.

Yeah, no. But, but, uh, princess,

I, I really thought we

were gonna hang out today.

Oh, well. I will see you

at Daddy's birthday party.

Bye, Skeeter.

Hmm.

So our date's gonna be tomorrow?

I can live with that.

- Hey! Look out! Look out!

- [Both shouting]

- [Skeeter groans]

- Sorry. Are you OK? Hey! I'm so sorry!

What is it about the cushion

of protection you don't like?

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

I'm supposed to be

looking for a job now,

but for some reason I felt like

coming to the beach today.

Huh.

Um, are you hungry?

Yes, I'm always hungry

when I'm in pain.

Good. Because I'm buying.

I'll let you buy me lunch.

Somebody stole my wallet,

- so how was I gonna pay?

- Of course you got your wallet stolen.

- I don't know what that means.

- You. It's always something with you.

- Huh?

- You're wearing my hat.

- Gonna wear that all day?

- I'm not wearing nobody's hat.

- I'm wearing your hat! Oh!

- I'll take it back. Thanks.

[Chattering]

This is perfect for your free lunch.

Oh, my gosh. You guys,

you guys, you guys. Over there.

Is that...

is that Skeeter Bronson?

- Stop it.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- Skeeter.

Hey! Do you remember me?

It's Donna Hynde from high school.

Yeah, I do.

Thought I was going to run into you

shortly. And here you are.

Yeah. Wow, this is so...

weird. Uh...

We were just planning

our high school reunion.

We were totally just talking about you.

It's so weird.

I was just talking about you guys too.

Sure, he was.

Mind pretending to be

my girlfriend for a second?

Yeah, I don't feel

comfortable doing that.

I'll, uh, convert my truck to biodiesel.

- OK, I'll do it.

- Ding-dong.

Uh, this is my girlfriend,

guys. This is Jill.

Hello.

She's your girlfriend?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, I am.

- Right?

- Yup.

She thinks I'm...

You want me to...

Oh. Uh... romantic.

She likes how romantic I can be.

And, uh, "great kisser,"

she likes to say.

Oh, yeah. That's...

a little too much.

- Oh. Sorry.

- Wow, you are really pretty.

- I mean, she's all right.

- Thanks.

I've seen hotter,

but she's pretty cool.

So super skinny.

Skinnier than you.

But... Yeah.

Whatever.

I feel really awful

saying this out loud.

We were really terrible to Skeeter

in high school. Awful. So mean.

My Skeeter?

- They were.

- You had a hard time in high school?

Look at you now.

You turned out pretty... cute.

- [Girls] Yeah!

- You know...

the pimples went away,

and, uh, these came to play.

- You want to touch them?

- Oh, that's OK.

- Later, later.

- They're here for you. Ding-dong.

You put your right hand in

[all] You put your right hand out

You put your right hand in

- And you shake it all about

- OK.

- I think we should leave.

- Yes.

And you turn yourself around

- All right. Bye-bye.

- That's what it's all about

What's happening?

Hey, so I spoke to Wendy.

She's excited to see the kids tomorrow.

This is the longest

she's been away from them.

That's right.

This is my last night with the kids.

You know,

they're gonna be devastated.

They worship you

and those amazing bedtime stories

you've been telling them.

Oh, well, they say all the good parts.

I promise.

Oh, my gosh.

Is he unconscious?

Yeah, yeah.

[Yelling]

Boom! Oh.

Thanks!

Whoa!

- Yeah?

- Check out Mr. Smooth.

- Well, you know, I do what I do.

- [Both laughing]

- Think we should get out of this rain?

- What rain?

[Thunder rumbling]

Oh, shoot!

Where did that come from?

I don't know!

Isn't it amazing?

- Let's get out of this!

- Let's go! Let's get out! Move it!

[Jill screaming, laughing]

I can read the future.

Good God. So...

So... The big presentation's

tomorrow, right?

I know you're not nervous

or anything, but, um...

good luck on it anyway.

- Thank you.

- Yep.

Actually, you can come

if you want. It's like a party.

You know, Wendy's gonna be

watching the kids,

and we could have fun.

You can meet me there.

Yeah. That would, uh...

I could do that.

I could meet you, um...

...after night school or something.

It's you?

It's me what?

You're the fairest maiden in the land?

"Fair" as in

"doesn't cheat at checkers"?

No, fairest as in...

..."beautifulest."

Wait, wait.

Something weird's gonna happen.

Oh.

No, yeah, we don't...

This is a mistake.

No, no, no, not between us.

I mean like, some...

No! No, no!

Oh, here comes Abe!

No!

Ah! Look.

- Wow, a penny.

- No, no, no.

This is the weird thing

I was talking about. Abe Lincoln.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- No, no, no, no.

Abe's not gonna interrupt

this time. That was it.

It's supposed to end better than this.

Stick around. I'm tellin' ya,

you're gonna be missing out.

Nice imagination, Patrick.

- Skeeter?

- Yo.

We've got a little bit

of a shaving situation in there.

Oh, no, no, no.

I took the razor blades out.

Don't worry. Their father ain't around,

I figured someone has to

teach them how to shave.

[Kids giggling]

I'm Princess Leia.

Uh-huh.

So, are you ready

for the big showdown tomorrow night?

Oh, yeah.

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