Behaving Badly Page #6

but given the alternative is

that the mob hired this kid...

I mean, look at him...

I think you'll see

it makes sense to

look into the father.

Do you have any evidence

to back this up?

Well, my father is currently

on business... in Lithuania.

Check his credit card records.

You'll see he's telling the truth.

Ho! Hah!

Well, you and your

client can leave now,

and I'm gonna make some

phone calls... right here.

And if I don't like the

answers I'm getting,

I'm gonna come see you...

I know where you live.

Nice work... by the

time those yokels

get through chasing that line

of bullshit about your father,

this whole incident

will be long forgotten.

Oh, and by the way, I got

your car out of impound.

You can keep it until your

mom's car gets fixed.

You want to give me a ride

home in your new wheels?

Why does it smell

like puke in here?

If I get a speeding ticket, you

can get me out of it, right?

It's a piece of cake.

Oh, can I take a few of these?

I get these tension headaches.

Wait, no, those are ecs...

Those are expired.

Ohhh! Oooh!

Oh, turn here.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Ohh! I love it!

Just touch my hand. Oh, my

God, that feels so good.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!

- Ah.

You're just the nicest

guy I've ever met.

Do you know you're pure,

like a baby, innocent puppy.

Like an angel dog, like a

little sweet puppy angel

coming from the heavens

to save the world.

Do you want to come in and

listen to some trance music?

Don't do it, Rick.

You're this close to

my promised land.

No, we're here, get out.

When I was a kid,

I wished for big b*obs.

- And then I got them.

- Oh, that's great.

- Isn't that cool?

- That's great, thank you.

You want to come in

for some tequila?

'Bye! No! Nope. Thank

you, though. 'Bye!

Huh!

Where the hell have you been?

Just undergoing interrogation

downtown about my mob ties.

Hilarious.

Hi, Cherysh.

Hello.

So you've opened a brothel.

Remember the rules...

they can touch you,

but you can't touch them.

It's perfect. See, they

do it every night anyway.

And this way we make money,

which will be more than

enough to pay Karlis.

So you're already giving up?

No, I just... I want

to cover all my bases,

just in case Nina and I

decide to take it slow.

Oh. OK.

Have they had their shots?

Who cares? We're opening a

strip club, not a vet's office.

They're on the pillows, Rick.

Money don't get

everything, it's true

What it don't get I can't use

I want money...

Hey, Kristen, we should throw a

party to celebrate you leaving.

I mean, you getting into Stanford.

- Yay! Party!

- Exactly.

I can smell her cooter from here.

What the hell are you up to?

Nothing. Steven can invite all

his muscle freaks from the gym.

I guess we could raid Mom's

secret alcohol stash.

Oh, her brain would explode.

We'd be helping with

her road to recovery.

I'm only thinking of her.

Pfft! Steven!

Is this gonna work?

You don't think your

sister is gonna be pissed

that you gave her children's

chewables instead of ecstasy?

She'll be way too wasted to notice.

Besides, she said she'd only

do it if we gave her 10 pills

and I only have two left.

They even f***ed with her land.

She's gonna go f***ing crazy.

We need to get them

to start mingling

or I'm never gonna

make 1,000 bucks.

Hi, everyone.

Billy tells me you guys

are having a party.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

Am I invited?

As long as you don't tell Mom.

Tell her what?

And, uh, honey? I owe you

a bottle of Tylenol.

I took the last two.

- Drinks?

- Oh, yeah.

It's a strip club, Billy.

You don't invite your mother.

Mrs Bender?

Mrs Bender.

Huh!

- I'm not wearing any panties.

- Uhhh.

Mrs Bender, Billy and everyone

are in the other room.

- Oh! I like you so much! Whoo!

- Mrs Bender, Mrs Bender.

- Oh, you're so sexy.

- No, no, no.

Whoo!

Shh! Be quiet. Everybody's

in the other room. OK? Billy...

Shhh!

Whoo, yeah!

Oh, this feels kind of good.

Oh, it feels really good.

Oh! Ohhh!

Oh, I love this dishwasher. Yeah!

Oh! Mr Bender is pulling up.

- F*** him.

- Great idea. Why don't you?

- I want you.

- Oh, no. No.

I want you so bad. I do, I do.

Ah! This is what I'm talking about.

No, no, no.

This could be good.

It's gonna be good.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh!

This is so disturbing.

Oh, Ricky! Oh! Ricky!

What the...?

From the look on Billy's face,

he had apparently never seen his mother

masturbating on the kitchen floor before.

What are you doing to my mom?

- Ricky!

- Nothing!

I wasn't doing it. She

was doing it by herself.

She was just... she was just...

I feel so good!

OK. OK.

- Momma?

- So happy to see you.

She's acting kind of weird, Rick.

Hell, no, that's a mean thing

to say about your mom.

Can you put her in Lucy's room?

And let her lie down.

She's just, you know...

Will you come? Please?

She hasn't bitten me since I

was 10. That's kind of weird.

I love you. I love you so much.

I love you too, Momma.

Here, here...

- I love Tylenol.

- No, no, no.

- I'm f***ing busy here!

- Jimmy, it's Rick.

I need your advice on

something drug-related.

- Shoot.

- This chick downed two E tabs.

Now she doesn't look so good.

Is she gonna be OK?

- Is she hot?

- Uh, yeah.

What does that have

to do with anything?

Why are you asking me that?

- I'll be right over.

- OK, thank God.

You got any lube?

Thank you. Come again.

Not on the furniture.

- Where's the b*tch at?

- Oh.

It's Billy's mom. Are

you sure you can help?

Trust me, I used to be a doctor.

What the f*** is going on in here?

Oh...

- You know Kristen?

- I will totally not gag.

Rick?

Hey, Nina, what brings you by?

Hey, I was just wondering

if everything worked

out with the car.

Yeah, it was all

just a crazy mix-up.

Well, good. I, um...

I was worried about you.

You were worried about me?

Why are all these girls naked?

Yeah, it's weird,

right? I don't know.

Put that in my ass!

Maybe we should go somewhere

more quiet to talk, please?

When I pee... it burns.

- Where's Nina, dick breath?

- Uh, this is a private club.

Tell me where Nina is or

I'm calling the cops,

'cause I doubt that

this neighbourhood

is zoned for a strip club.

How about I give you

50% off a lap dance?

How about I shove another

broomstick up your ass?

How about I give you

a free lap dance?

I'll take that blonde over there.

She looks like a dick wrecker.

But after I come,

I'm coming for you,

and you better tell

me where Nina is.

- Freak!

- Oh! Dick.

I've never been to a

party like this before.

Yeah, me, neither. They're

Kristen's friends, really.

- It's kind of fun.

- Yeah?

Well, I guess, uh, life in my

family is just nonstop fun.

So are your parents ever around?

Rehab always evicts my mom

when her insurance runs out,

and my dad eventually

wants something,

so... he comes around.

My parents are always away too.

Chasing the latest shrine

or Virgin spotting.

They've been at it ever since

my little sister died.

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